Fine. You win.

I give up.


Fine. I'll be the evil one, the one messing up your new life. I'll be the one who hurt you.

Being abandoned for another man' woman, a new family, a "fresh start"...yeah, that didn't hurt at all. The phone calls and texts would have made it easier except...wait, what are those? A rarity. The last I heard from you directly was on my birthday. When is my birthday? March 6. What day is it? December 13.

You couldn't even text or call me to tell me you didn't like what I thought of your new wife. You tried with a Facebook message but that left no room for my own feelings. It's all about you and your happiness now.

And now one of your new daughters is cussing me out on Facebook. Seriously?


1. That's really classy. Let's put "family" drama on Facebook. Sure, I have a blog but you wanna know who reads it? My fiance, my aunt, my roommate, and apparently you. Wow...like all of those people don't already know about this crap. Her post however recieved comments from other people. That's just trashy. You don't put shit like that on Facebook.

2. How dare you show her kids what I have to say?? This shit is between you and me. I don't tell Mom what I write on here so when you text her all upset about what I've said, she has to call me and ask me what I said. Way to put her in middle, jerkface. Leave her out of this crap. If you don't like what I'm saying or it upsets you, contact me. I might answer. Then again, I probably shouldn't because the 4th commandment will be thrown out the window. You haven't acted like my father for quite a while now...I'm not going to hold anything back.

3. I know you're going to be at Grandma's for Christmas. Please, whatever happens, do not bring this crap up around her. She doesn't deserve that. It's a holiday with family. Keep all ya'lls tempers on a leash and I'll control mine. This is my last Christmas at Grandma's for awhile and I don't want it ruined by this shit.

4. I will continue writing whatever the hell I want on this blog. Only 4 people read it and they already know what's going on. This is for me to work out my own anger without resorting to violence. Don't like it? Don't read it. And tell little miss thang that I'll get over this when I want. My family fell apart. I'm still trying to put the pieces together. If she doesn't like the pace at which I'm going, she can suck it up and get over herself. She doesn't know shit about me so she should back off.

I'm really tired of finding out you're mad at me through Mom. Grow a pair and tell me yourself. That may sound disrespectful but so is putting Mom in the middle. Quit that.

I was hoping to maybe be okay with you by Christmas but this last incident just threw that out the window. I ended up with your temper and stubborn streak, Dad. So you of all people should undestand I need some time to get used to this crap. If you have patience with me, I'll try to be nicer. I'll at least stop calling your wife a whore. It's a knee-jerk reaction really. But I'll do my best to control the urge.

Now go back to your new life and leave me alone. You obviously didn't care enough to stick around in the first place. You don't get to stick your nose in my business now.

My ghosts are coming back to haunt me

I'm at a loss for words. I mean, I can type out what I'm thinking...but I'm in such a state of shock anytime I try to speak, tears well up and fear grips my tongue.


Christmas Day is going to be hell.



My favorite day in the entire year...something I look forward to with all my heart...a tradition I'm loathe to give up...

And it's now ruined.


Today has already been draining. I'm on my period (2nd day), I'm exhausted both physically and mentally, I just want to take a nap but I have work in 20 minutes...it's just been a long day.


Then it just had to get worse.


I went to check the time on my cell phone in my last class when I noticed I had a text from my mother. I haven't enjoyed getting a text from her in awhile since they're usually all about her wedding (which I dread) or about how much she "misses her baby girl and how things used to be between us". Gag me. This text wasn't any better. In fact, it was much worse.

"Just letting u know, from the text I just got, your dad will be at gma's on christmas day."

Aside from the terrible grammer and the use of text langauge (which, as an English major, drives me up the wall), this text was the worst thing that could have possibly happened to me.


My father, the one who left us for some woman he met online, the one who disowned me after reading my post about my true feelings concerning the divorce and his remarriage, the one who hasn't spoken directly to me in almost a year, he's coming to my grandma's during my favorite celebration of the year. The one time a year I see all of my favorite family members in one day where we spend the day sharing news and presents and good food and laughter and Bingo prizes and he's going to be there.

If he was the only one I was going to have to deal with, I might...MIGHT be able to handle it. But 10 bucks says he's bringing his whore...I mean, his new wife. And she's pregnant. Goody.


On top of that, my mother is getting married a week from tomorrow and I still can hardly stand her chosen signficant other either.


So I'm going to have to deal with it on BOTH sides!!! And the whole time I'm going to be expected to smile and be happy and pretend like I'm not dying on the inside.


I'm not going to be able to do it.





And now I'm sitting here trying to piece myself back together so I can go to work...


Just four more hours and then I can completely break down...if I survive that long. If you're reading this and you see me in the next couple days, please do not bring up Christmas or the fact that I look like a kicked puppy. You might lose your head. Fair warning.