Saying goodbye should be a crime.

I know, I know...it's been a long time since I last wrote.


Part of that is I really just haven't had the time. The past couple weeks have been full of papers, projects, presentations, extra shifts at work, and lots of catching up. My spare time has been very limited and I've been using it to spend precious time with my fiance and friends.


Deep down, I know part of the reason I never forced myself to write on here again is because I didn't want to look back at those terrible words I had written. I have a very bad habit of not being able to forgive myself. Especially when it comes to hurting the ones I love. And I know I hurt him the last time I wrote something. And I didn't want to see that again.


Especially since my mindset with him and the whole summer thing is so fragile right now.


Ugh. I hate Mother Nature and her control over my hormones and feelings and stuff.


I was really proud of myself. I've been very positive about this whole separated-for-the-summer thing the past week or so. I hadn't brought it up in conversations. I was going out of my way to make plans with friends and family. I'm going to spend a weekend with a friend in Emporia. I'm making plans to go see my dad for the first time in almost two years. My fiance and I have even thought of some things we want to do together when I come visit. I was actually starting to get excited for this summer.


And then everyone started counting down to graduation. And Mother Nature decided now would be a good time to visit (even though she hasn't even truly arrived yet...she's still wreaking havoc upon my state of mind *pouts*).


So I now have 13 days until I say goodbye. Just that thought can make me cry (which I am...in the middle of work...CURSE YOU, MOTHER NATURE!!!!!)


13 days filled with hours that will fly by too fast for my liking. Especially since this weekend I won't even be here. I have to go home to help at a wedding and work a shift at DollarTree. I'm half hoping they won't be able to put me on the shift just so I can come home sooner.


Now please don't think it's just leaving my fiance that's doing this to me. I'm not that super obsessive girlfriend. Chill. I love him more than words can express, yes. He is my best friend whom I can trust my life to, yes. But it's not just him I'm saying goodbye to. Quite a few of my friends are graduating this year. I am so proud of them for all that they have accomplished and I hope their lives are fantastic and they find everything they're searching for.


But I hate saying goodbye. Especially when I don't know how soon I'll be saying hello again.


I guess that's why long-distance relationships were never my thing.


I may be introverted and sometimes even anti-social but really, I like being around the people I love. I like surrounding myself with the people I have fun with. So this whole long-distance thing...nope.


So I was already struggling with having to tell friends goodbye and now I'm going to be separated from my fiance, my best friend for the whole summer. Ugh.



I was so proud of myself for having such a positive attitude about it...but Doubt and Worry, the little imps, like to whisper and gossip. And now, in my moment of weakness, they're reminding me of all my insecurities, all my fears and worries...they're on replay in the back of my mind. I can't laugh loud enough to drown them out today.


My roommate suggested sitting down with my fiance and having a serious talk about this summer and how we both feel about it. Part of me wants to but a larger part of me doesn't. I don't want him to see my worries. I don't want him to brush them off like he's done sometimes before. I don't want him to feel guilty or
get mad at me for being a silly emotional girl. I don't want him to see all my fears and worries because he needs this summer, he needs these internships, these jobs, this chance to be on his own. I don't want to stand in the way of that.


I'm just going to miss him so much.


I know he worries I can't be independent without him. Honestly, that hurt the first time he told me that. Because it's not true. I know I'm independent without him. I just prefer to be around him. Because, as I've said before, he's not only my fiance. He's my best friend. He's the one I can always count on. We have our moments but he's always there. Even on the night when we had our huge discussion thing and ended up moving the wedding, even when he wasn't sure what was going to happen between us that night...as soon, as soon as he saw me crying, he pulled me in his arms, held me tight, and told me everything was going to be alright. He's my person...the first one I call when I'm in trouble, the first one I let see me cry about something bothering me, the first one that can get me to smile after crying, the first one I tell good news to...


*breathes deep*


God, you did that on purpose.


Thank you.



I've been in a country mood today so I'm listening to my country love song playlist on Spotify. I was listening to "Check Yes or No" by George Strait, which is one of my all-time favorites. The next song to play was "Carrying Your Love with Me" also by George Strait.


If you haven't heard the song, here's the chorus:

'Cause I'm carrying your love with me
West Virginia down to Tennessee
I'll be moving with the good Lord's speed
Carrying your love with me
It's my strength for holding 
Every minute that I have to be gone
I'm carrying your love with me

*sigh* I needed that.


Ha! And now it's "God Gave Me You" by Blake Shelton...


Keep it coming, Abba...I need to hear it...


That wonderful moment when God hears your silent prayer, laughs to himself, then gives you an answer in an unconventional way...like songs on a playlist.


Now I have goosebumps...thank you, Abba.


I'm still struggling with all this. I really am. But I trust in my Abba and I believe in the strength of my love for Jake. It's going to be rough, at least in the beginning, but it will all work out. Besides, he'll only be an hour away if I truly need to see him.


All I'm saying is thank the good Lord I am not marrying a military man. That would just kill me. Those women are so strong and they sacrifice so much. I could never do that.


Anyway...I'm gonna stop here. I should probably try to stop crying too, before any customers show up. That could be awkward.


13 days...I have 13 days (technically 11 since I'll be gone Friday night through Sunday afternoon). I'm going to make them count. I'm going to hug him tighter, kiss him more often, tell him I love him whenever I can, laugh with him at every chance, and savor every last bit of time we have together. I'm going to hug all my friends goodbye and tell them I'm so happy for them as they go on to have great lives. I'm going to be okay.

A new leaf has turned over; the sun is coming out again

Well...that was a mess.


But we talked through it and things are going to change.

I started writing on here again and said I was going to change. But change hasn't really happened. Not any good change anyway.


Looking back through my posts, I see a lot of ranting and hurt and anger and jealousy and insecurity and that's going to stop. That was poisoning me from the inside out. But I was blaming him.


No more.


That's done.

This time, I mean it when I say things are going to change. I won't have it any other way. Lord knows I can be as stubborn as they come. This will be one of those times. No more negativity.


I have some plans.


I'm going to get a notebook. Each morning, I'm going to write at least one positive thing down to think about during the day and, before I go to bed at night, I'm going to write down one positive thing that happened during the day.


I'm going to start reading my Bible every day again...and doing a devotion. I started doing that a few months ago and it was glorious. I don't know why I stopped but I'm going to start again.


I'm going to make it a conscious to laugh at something every day. Like a real laugh. I've missed laughing...and smiling...I'm going to do those again.


These are just some little things I've thought of. I think they'll help. They have in the past.


I'm also going to get the number of my school's counseling center. I know there isn't much time left in the school year but maybe I can work a session or two into my schedule...we'll see. I'm going to try. If not, next year. It's happening. I might try to find a place somewhere back home.


Anyway...I need to change. I almost lost him again because I had let myself get so lost in my own feelings and insecurities. That's dumb. I'm not going to lose him to that. I"m changing. Because I love him and deserves so much better...I deserve better too. I don't deserve to be lost inside the darkness anymore...I'm climbing out into the sun.


A new leaf has turned over, my friends, my world has begun again.

My heart hurts...

I finally told him how I've been feeling about our relationship. Finally.


Well, I sent it to him in a message on Facebook because he wanted to go to bed and wouldn't stay up to wait to talk face-to-face.

But whatever.

It's done.


And I'm terrified. I'm terrified he'll decide it's not worth it, that I'm just a naggy, pathetic mess who isn't worth it.

And that thought breaks my heart.


So I'm scared.

I've been crying now for almost two hours straight. My roommate is more than a little concerned but she also knows how this whole thing has been effecting me.

Abba...give me strength to hit the send button. Give me hope that he won't leave and that we'll fix this. Give me peace that everything will work out.



Well...I hit sent. That was a long message...I wrote it out in Microsoft Word first...roughly 1500 words...I just hope he understands.

I don't want to lose him. I can't go through that again. So I will anything to fix whatever is poisoning our relationship...whether it be him, me or a combination. I will fix it.



Abba...you know how much he means to me...please...don't take him from me...

There's No Room Left in My Brain

Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it to live in this world anymore.

Every day people die in gruesome ways, families are broken, faith is lost, hope is broken, grief and sorrow spread...



It's amazing that anyone is able to get out of bed, let alone go about their daily lives with smiles on their faces.


I know how hard life is. I know how hard it is to fake a smile. I've lived that way for the past...four years. I got really good at it. Apparently, I'm a better liar than I thought.


But the past week, God is breaking me of that way of thinking. So I apologize if I seem exceptionally emotional for awhile. I've seen things, heard things, and read things that have really gotten to me...there are people out there suffering more than I have...and they're living better lives than I am now.



How is that even possible?



I watched an interview the other day about a man from North Korea who had been born in one of the prison camps. He lived there until he was 23 years old. 23. That's only 3 years older than I am now. He turned his own mother and brother in to the guards to save his own skin and then did not feel sad when they were killed in front of him. One day, he met someone who told him about the outside world. He realized it could be better, different. So he escaped. 7 years later and he's made a new life for himself. He will always be haunted by his life in the camp but he's not letting that get him down. He's doing something about it.



What am I doing? Crying in my room at night and trudging through the day with a mopey look on my face.




I just can't take it anymore.



It's going to be a struggle. Especially with this summer coming up. Ugh.


My roommate asked me if I would go on a three day cruise in the Bahamas with her this summer (she found tickets for only $179) and I told her I'd love to...if I had the money. It would be amazing to go off on an adventure with friends and just forget what I was dealing with.


After learning about the Korean man's story, I don't look at my problems the same. They are so small and so insignificant when it comes to the world...but they effect me greatly. I can't ignore them but I can't let them control my life anymore either. I have to face them. The cruise this summer would be a nice escape...just to give me time to breathe before delving back into the real world. But I can't let myself hide my problems or feelings anymore. That's why you'll probably see me cry a lot for the time being. My life is changing and it's scary and I feel alone and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this summer...but I'm not hiding that inside. I'm not going to fake that smile anymore. I'm going to be upfront and honest. If something makes me sad or angry or upset in any way, I'm going to show it. No more of this namby-pamby stone cold statue stuff. I am a human being who hurts and feels and loves just like everyone else. And it's time to show that.




So forgive my slightly melancholy mood for the time being. It's part of the healing process...even if it's not pretty. It's necessary. And I said I was going to do what was necessary to make myself better, didn't I? So here I go...




*deep breath*



I'm hoping that getting this all out on "paper" will ease my mind a bit. My head has felt quite full since I talked with my fiance yesterday about this summer...so many feelings and thoughts and concerns and I just bundled them all up away into the dusty corners of my brain. After going over my notes on the Korean guy and then seeing the coverage of the Boston marathon bombing, I realized life is too short to act like it's perfect. It's not perfect. It's messy and terrible and painful and crazy and awesome and wonderful and beautiful...but that takes feeling and honesty and realness. So here I am...late at night once again, writing about this, hoping it will make it easier to sleep tonight.



Here's hoping.




Now that my fingers are slowing down and my eyelids are falling down , I think it's time to stop for the night. I shall see you when I rise, world. I pray sweet dreams find us all tonight. Until next time...

I sing in the silence to keep the darkness at bay

My eyes are dry, my eyelids heavy. My brain is tired and sluggish. My body is just...exhausted.


But can I fall asleep?


No. Of course not.


Why?


Because I can't stop thinking about this summer.



It's going to be rough. And I'm not looking forward to it. This summer, of all my summers, was supposed to be the best. I was to be married to the love of my life. I wouldn't have to deal with my mother and her constant pushing to move back in. I was supposed to work and save my money to pay for school. It was supposed to be fun and wonderful and now...


Now I'm no longer getting married. Instead, I get to be separated from my fiance for the entire summer. I now have a summer class I have to take or my entire school schedule gets thrown off but I don't have the money for it. My mother has already started nagging me about moving back in even though there is no room for me (no matter what she says).




I don't want summer to come.




The past three summers have been awful. Just plain awful. First, my dad left. Then my mom got super clingy and I just couldn't wait to go to college. Last summer, it got so bad I moved out of my house and into my in-law's basement. It was finally supposed to get better.



Guess I was just hoping for too much.




All of this wouldn't be so hard if my fiance was going to be there for it all. But he won't. He'll most likely be living an hour away, having a fantastic time living on his own and doing what he likes. Meanwhile, I'll be stuck at home with all the drama and crap and I'll be alone.



I just...I know he needs this job. And I know it will be good for him to live on his own and see what the world is really like without being pampered by his parents. But I need him. I need his arms around me after a long and stressful day. I need his voice in my ear telling me he loves me. I need to see the smile on his face. I just need him.



God, this is going to be so hard.




I've been crying pretty much most of the afternoon. Just because I can't stop thinking about this freaking summer. I hate it. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to feel this way. I want to be happy for him without anything else to poison that. But I can't. I just...I feel like there's a hole inside me and it just keeps growing the closer it gets to summer time. I know I'm counting down the days until school is out but really I'm keep track of how many days I have left to see him each night...27, by the way.



Abba...I need some strength right about now. I'm struggling. I can't do this alone but the physical shoulder I usually cry on won't be by my side for much longer.



God...I just hate the sound of that. I hate it. I hate that I've been crying so much and I hate how we've hardly seen each other the past couple months and I hate how we seem to be struggling and I hate how we're going to be separated.


I hate it.



Do you understand that?


I hate it.



Damn it...now I can't stop crying. No wonder I can't fall asleep.



I really just want to curl up against his chest and cry this whole thing out...but it's late, open dorms are over, and he'd probably just try to talk it out and get me to calm down. That's not going to work right now. I really do just need to cry it out...I just...I can't.



I heard this song on the radio earlier and now it's stuck in my head:

Just give me a reason,
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second, we're not broken, just bent
We can learn to love again.
Oh, it's in the stars,
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken, just bent
And we can learn to love again.


"It's been written in the scars on our hearts. We're not broken, just bent."


All the memories, all the pain from the last time we were separated and all that happened...it's written on my heart. I had forgotten it all...but with the probablities of this summer looming over our heads, it's all coming back. At one point, I was broken. I was fixed...but everything it's just all too much. I'm not broken, just bent...



It's going to take me quite some time to reconcile this whole summer in my heart. I go from getting married to being separated from my fiance. That's a big change, a heartbreaking one.


I know that, with my Abba's help, I will get through it. I just have to keep telling myself that. Right now, it's just too hard...unbelievable. Hopefully someday, soon, I will believe it wholeheartedly.


I wish I could stop crying. Maybe I'll cry long enough or hard enough that I'll cry myself to sleep. That may be the only way I get some sleep tonight.


Tomorrow brings another day. Hopefully I can be a little more positive. Doubtful...but I'll try.


Goodnight, world...enjoy the rain outside.

I feel a little cross-eyed...but it's all good

My head feels fuzzy...and my eyelids feel super heavy...


But it's all good, bro!


You know why?


Because I'm done with my eight hour shift at DollarTree!


Woot. Woot.




Seriously though...I love working there...except when certain people are working...and they all seemed to be working tonight. *facepalm*

Oh well...I'M DONE!!!


Spent sometime with some friends from high school tonight...that was fun! Had some stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut and watched The Raven. All in all, a good night.


Now just one more sleep...one more church service...one more moment of packing...and then I'm off to home...off to him. Yays :)



Anyway...I really should probably go to sleep. I'm actually surprised I'm making complete sentences so far. That's how out of it I am . Time for bed.


Goodnight, world! See you when the sun rises!

Keep the Dream Alive. Dreaming is Still How the Strong Survive

You see, this is why I really shouldn't write at night. My last few posts? Negative or whiny. Because the past couple days have been super long and by the end of it, I'm exhausted and frustrated and in a mood to rant. While that's okay and honestly what this blog is for, to get my thoughts and feelings out of my head and into words, it's not always a good thing.


Like the past couple nights.


This is hell week for me. One of three in the 5 weeks I have left of school. I don't have much homework to do, but it doesn't matter. I wouldn't have time to do it even if I did. I have almost no free time until this weekend...and even then I'm going home so I can work my alloted shift a month to keep my job for the summer. *sigh* Wanna see what my schedule looks like today?


6:30-10:30: working
11:00-2:50: classes, 4 in total with only roughly ten minutes between each...so that means no lunch.
3:00-4:00: naptime. I need this or I might kill someone. Also, it's my first break all day.
4:30-8:00: more work
9:00-10:30: Kairos (a sort of youth group thing)

Yeah...yay. I have two hour-long breaks. One between class and my second shift and the other between my second shift and Kairos. Trust me, if I wasn't so desparate for chapel points, I wouldn't bother with Kairos. But whatever.

Anyway, sorry. I didn't mean to start complaining again. I'm just trying to make a point. This week is going to suck.


What I was saying at the beginning of the post is, by the time I get home for the day, I am worn out and frustrated and just want to get it all out. It has to be a fandamntastic day for me to still feel chipper at 11 or midnight or whenever I get to writing this.


I really should write in the morning because I usually have a more positive outlook on life. Not today because I'm dragging...though I did have some sweet dreams last night...


One of them I almost thought was real. In it, I was laying on my bed watching a movie when I heard a knock at my window. I opened it and there was my fiance, all dressed up in one of his suits, holding an umbrella (it was thunderstorming outside) and a bouquet of purple roses (my favorite). Somehow I managed to pop the screen off my window and he clambered into my room. After putting his umbrella down and taking off his shoes and jacket, he climbed into bed with me and held me until I fell asleep in his arms.


It was beautiful...


Until I shot straight up in bed at 2:10 in the morning and I was groggy enough that I was trying to figure out where he went...then I realized it was just a dream...


Yeah...my brain has not been nice to me when it comes to dreams lately. I either get the really uneasy ones, the creepy ones, or the ones that are so beautiful but realistic that when I wake up, it breaks my heart.



So I guess just anyway I look at it, I'm going to be very positive today. I'll try. But right now, I feel like it's a miracle I'm even awake. My eyes hurt...that's how tired I am. And it's not even 7:30 yet. Gross.


Whelp...I'm just going to stop here. Before I go on yet another rant of some sort. Also, I'm technically "open" at work in 10 minutes. Everything's already ready to go (I've been here since 6:30) but I don't really want to be writing on my blog while people are walking around.



Toodles, friends. You might hear from me later...but don't count on it. I plan to crash hardcore once I get home from Kairos. Unless I get the chance to see him. I just...I miss him. A lot.

Anyway...peace out, Girl Scouts.