There's No Room Left in My Brain

Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it to live in this world anymore.

Every day people die in gruesome ways, families are broken, faith is lost, hope is broken, grief and sorrow spread...



It's amazing that anyone is able to get out of bed, let alone go about their daily lives with smiles on their faces.


I know how hard life is. I know how hard it is to fake a smile. I've lived that way for the past...four years. I got really good at it. Apparently, I'm a better liar than I thought.


But the past week, God is breaking me of that way of thinking. So I apologize if I seem exceptionally emotional for awhile. I've seen things, heard things, and read things that have really gotten to me...there are people out there suffering more than I have...and they're living better lives than I am now.



How is that even possible?



I watched an interview the other day about a man from North Korea who had been born in one of the prison camps. He lived there until he was 23 years old. 23. That's only 3 years older than I am now. He turned his own mother and brother in to the guards to save his own skin and then did not feel sad when they were killed in front of him. One day, he met someone who told him about the outside world. He realized it could be better, different. So he escaped. 7 years later and he's made a new life for himself. He will always be haunted by his life in the camp but he's not letting that get him down. He's doing something about it.



What am I doing? Crying in my room at night and trudging through the day with a mopey look on my face.




I just can't take it anymore.



It's going to be a struggle. Especially with this summer coming up. Ugh.


My roommate asked me if I would go on a three day cruise in the Bahamas with her this summer (she found tickets for only $179) and I told her I'd love to...if I had the money. It would be amazing to go off on an adventure with friends and just forget what I was dealing with.


After learning about the Korean man's story, I don't look at my problems the same. They are so small and so insignificant when it comes to the world...but they effect me greatly. I can't ignore them but I can't let them control my life anymore either. I have to face them. The cruise this summer would be a nice escape...just to give me time to breathe before delving back into the real world. But I can't let myself hide my problems or feelings anymore. That's why you'll probably see me cry a lot for the time being. My life is changing and it's scary and I feel alone and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this summer...but I'm not hiding that inside. I'm not going to fake that smile anymore. I'm going to be upfront and honest. If something makes me sad or angry or upset in any way, I'm going to show it. No more of this namby-pamby stone cold statue stuff. I am a human being who hurts and feels and loves just like everyone else. And it's time to show that.




So forgive my slightly melancholy mood for the time being. It's part of the healing process...even if it's not pretty. It's necessary. And I said I was going to do what was necessary to make myself better, didn't I? So here I go...




*deep breath*



I'm hoping that getting this all out on "paper" will ease my mind a bit. My head has felt quite full since I talked with my fiance yesterday about this summer...so many feelings and thoughts and concerns and I just bundled them all up away into the dusty corners of my brain. After going over my notes on the Korean guy and then seeing the coverage of the Boston marathon bombing, I realized life is too short to act like it's perfect. It's not perfect. It's messy and terrible and painful and crazy and awesome and wonderful and beautiful...but that takes feeling and honesty and realness. So here I am...late at night once again, writing about this, hoping it will make it easier to sleep tonight.



Here's hoping.




Now that my fingers are slowing down and my eyelids are falling down , I think it's time to stop for the night. I shall see you when I rise, world. I pray sweet dreams find us all tonight. Until next time...