Peace is a Mystery and Love is a Four Letter Word

I'm sitting here on this lazy Saturday morning with my window open, my 80s music playing in the background, and I just love it.


There's that tiny voice in the back of my mind saying I have more important things to be doing right now and it's probably right but I just don't care. I feel a sort of sleepy peace just sitting here.


Peace.


That's a five letter word that I haven't spent much time with lately. Between all my schoolwork and papers, working two jobs in two different cities, and all the wedding planning I had done...I didn't have much free time left. The free time I did have I tried to spend with my fiance. When he was unavailable (which was actually pretty often), I would be watching movies or making random Walmart trips with my roommates and friends on my hall. I kept myself so busy I honestly did not have the time to just sit and stare out the window.


But now, the schoolwork is slowing down, my jobs are more manageable, and I don't need to plan the wedding anymore. At least not for another couple months.


Let me be frank here real quick.


I know the decision my fiance and I made to move the wedding to next year was the right one. We were not going to be able to handle it. Not with all the stress of money on top of just getting married and moving to a new city and trying to find jobs. It just wasn't going to happen. And I know that.

That doesn't mean I like it.


There is nothing I want more in the world right now than to be his wife. Even with all the stress of planning the wedding and making preparations for this summer, I knew it would all be worth it because he would be my husband and I would be his wife. Now it's all been pushed back. I feel as if all the hard work I put into planning was for nothing. It's not like he was that involved to begin with but it didn't matter. All that mattered was the fact that we were going to be married.

Don't give me that damn speech about how one year won't matter because we'll still love each other. I know that. It may sound cheesy and ridiculous but my love for my fiance will never diminish. It just grows stronger every day (even when he makes me feel so exasperated and frustrated...even then). I know the time itself won't matter because we're still together and all that jazz.


Maybe it's just my old insecurities about not being good enough coming back but...I feel as if I've failed (at least a little bit) by not being ready to get married this summer. I feel as if I should have been ready. He'll argue like he always does but I can't help the way I feel.


And it's not all the time. Usually those kinds of thoughts stay quiet and just creep up on me in the calm moments I have with myself. Those kinds of thoughts are the reason I don't like silence. Anyway...they're not always present.


Most of the time, I'm just sad. I was flipping through my planner and I saw the date, June 22nd, and the note I had written there: A day I will treasure always. It made me cry. That won't be my wedding day anymore. It won't be the day I marry the love of my life, my best friend. I'm going to be an emotional wreck that day this summer.


I went from excited, ecstatic really, to not wanting to hear or see a single thing concerning a wedding. This was especially hard since I was in charge of creating an 8 page layout for a wedding section in my school newspaper. Me and two other girls got all the ads (from businesses in the wedding industry), wrote all the stories (about dresses, stress, and commitment), and took all the pictures (of dresses, happily married couples, and brides-to-be). That was killer.


It was really hard to explain our postponed wedding to family and friends. Everyone's first thought was that there was something wrong and we were second guessing ourselves. While not entirely true, we were having some relationship problems. Lots of fights. Lots of crying (on my part, at least...no one can make me cry like he can...but then again, no one can make me smile like he can either). We were struggling.


And then we postponed the wedding. His face...he looked so relaxed after our talk. He looked at peace. I couldn't stop crying. I came so close to losing him...in fact, I thought I had.


So...I have two reasons why I agreed to postpone the wedding. One, because I knew it was the right decision. We would never make it if we didn't. We would end up bitter and probably divorced like my parents and I couldn't do that. I couldn't even imagine losing him like that or putting us through that situation. Two, because I will do anything to make him happy, to make sure I never lose him. I love him. Plain and simple. He is my other half. We weren't made for each other. Honestly, you can probably find people (actually I can name a few) who would tell you we're not good for each other or that we'll never make it. God did not make him to be mine or make me to be his. He gave us the opportunity to meet each other, to befriend each other, to fall in love with each other, to choose each other. My angel...he is my only choice. Not because there is no one else out there for me. Because I choose him and no one else but him. We have worked hard to make this relationship what it is today. By the time we get married, we'll have been together four years, engaged for two and a half. It wasn't easy. But it was worth it. I can tell you, without a doubt in my heart, that I love him. I would do anything for him. I would lace your shoe, paint my face bright blue, catch a kangaroo, or even go to Timbuktu. I'd risk everything for one kiss. I'd do anything. For him.

So now I'm doing something for him. I am waiting. I am healing. I am learning. I am doing whatever it takes to be the woman he deserves because God did not make me his perfect woman. I have to do that myself.


Darling, I know you're reading this (eventually...you're at play practice right now) but I want you to know...I love you.


I tell you that all the time, I know. And it's not to fill a lull in the conversation or because I'm afraid you forgot. I tell you that because I cannot say it enough. Those three little words are not big enough or complicated enough to explain my feelings, to get you to understand how much you mean to me. So I tell them to you...over and over and over again. And I plan to do that for the rest of my life.


I may be impatient and, honestly, sad that I will be your wife yet this summer...but it doesn't really matter. Not truly. All that matters is you. You being with me and me being with you. I love you, and nothing is ever going to change that.


*sigh*



Two heavy posts in two days...my soul is weary. Time to shower and clean myself up...the day is young and there is much to do. Now that my mind and heart are at peace, I feel as if I can take on the world. I'll start with the art museum this afternoon with my fiance and friends. Today will be a good day, if for nothing other than the beautiful weather outside.