*shout of happiness* times a billion

I AM ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



TO THE MOST WONDERFUL MAN IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





My cheeks hurt...I can't stop smiling once I say that...I am engaged...*sigh of happiness*


Thank you, Abba...for everything...I am so blessed...

Ever sighing, ever dying...

Thank You, Abba...for staying by my side throughout the night...


Sweet dreamless sleep...


Now, Abba...I ask you to be with me over the next hour...keep me focused and give me the trust in myself I need to remember the answers...please?


*sigh*

Just one more day...

Curse my overactive imagination...

I don't even have to close my eyes and I can picture the nightmares waiting for me tonight. They hide in the shadows of room, they call out to me from every corner and cervice. They're waiting, arms open to greet me like old lovers seeking a warm reunion...


But they will not win me tonight...


I truly hate how my imagination plays games with my sanity. I know I had an imaginary friend growing up and my friends and I would spend hours upon hours creating games and acting out stories...but geesh...nothing was ever taken this far...


No...the Shadow Man enjoys visiting me...he enjoys waiting in the darkness of my mind, giving me hope that he has left only to reappear at my highest (or most stressed) point in life...

He's like a stain upon my conciousness...or unconciousness I should say...since I only see him in my nightmares...though his presence lingers on in the daytime...


Is it sad that part of me finds it funny how, if someone who didn't know me very well read this...what would they think? That'd I'd lost my marble, gone off the deep end, my lightbulb burnt out or my hamster stopped running...something along those lines...


Ahh, my friend, you would be close to the truth...except that I have never been sane...just basking in my own type of insanity...but that's normal these days...Ha! Normal...normal is just a setting on a washing machine...


Abba, I know You're with me...I know that's why the Shadow Man keeps his distance. I am safe in Your arms...no matter what. So I ask you, Abba...no, tonight I beg...hold me closer than ever...let me fall into a dreamless sleep tonight so that I may be rested for my final in the morning...so that the Shadow Man may once again disappear...


Can I bring my angel into this? He's so wonderful...so amazing...I don't know how I got so lucky...

Yet another thing to prove to me that You are good and You will always take care of me and give me what I need, Abba...I've known him almost my whole life, he's been right in front of me this whole time...and You've just been bidding your time...waiting to show me that he was mine and I am his...


Somehow he puts up with my crazy outbursts...mhm...


I love sleeping by his side...the few occassions when we've napped next to each other or when one or the other has fallen asleep on the other's lap...no matter what the circumstance is, it's always the best sleep I've had in ages...when I'm with him, I feel safe...and the Shadow Man shrinks deeper into his corner...my angel protects me...just by holding me while I sleep...just an added bonus for the wonderful feeling of being in his arms...mhm...


I wish he could sit with me tonight until I fell asleep...I would feel so much safer, Abba...though I do not doubt Your power...but alas, it is not meant to be...the rules would not stand for it and neither would decorum...no, it is not time for that yet...


It should be time for sleeping though...but I still cannot rest easy...


So I'll lay here and watch The Prince of Eygpt, letting the beautiful story and gorgeous music lull me into a peaceful bliss so that I may sleep...

"Hush now, my baby. Be still, love, don't cry. Sleep as you're rocked by the stream. Sleep and remember my last lullaby and I'll be with you when you dream..."


*sigh of relief*


Thank You, Abba...for everything...

You have GOT to be kidding me

So...3 bombs and 2 fire alarms later...the entire freshman girls' dorm is awake and out for blood...



Dear boys who decided to be jerkwads last night,
For real??!?!?!! What the HELL were you thinking??? No, they weren't threatening but that was still the stupidest thing you could have done. Whoever you are, be warned. Once we find out who you are, you will be sorry. Somehow you managed to not wake me up but you woke the rest of the dorm...and you will pay for stupidity. Easy as that.



And dear firefighters,
I apologize for having to come to the dorm twice within an hour for nothing. Especially since Campus Safety has NO idea why it went off either time. It went off in two rooms next to each other but they said there was clear evidence that all the occupants were sleeping and not doing anything to cause the alarms to go off.


Ugh....I'm ticked and I don't even have any finals today...I feel awful for those who do have finals...the past 12 hours have been hell....perfect... *grimaces*



And today was supposed to be my easiest day this week...cool story, bro...


Didn't even get to go back to sleep...might as well start the day now...I can get some packing done...



ONLY 2 MORE DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Thank God...

And the rain rain rain came down down down...

Woke up this morning and really didn't want to move...



I'm really getting tired of these restless nights (no pun intended). I don't even know what's causing all of it.



It could be finals...but I'm not stressed about any of them. They're all going to be cake. I'm just counting down the days til I can go home and rest...have a REAL break...


So long as I get through today, I'll be okay...


Class at 8, chapel at 9:30, enrolling on my break, New Testament final at 12:15, work from 2 to 4, then a very short break, work again from 5 to 8, 8:30ish...bleck...after that a shower and hopefully seeing mein Engel...*smiles*...mhm...


It amazes me, how after all this time, my heart still flutters at the thought of getting to see him...I've seen so many couples where their love dissipated over time...my love for him is only growing...every day I look at him and think "how did I get so lucky?"


Thank you, Abba...for everything you have given me...but especially for giving me him...



Mhm...and now my short break is over...off into the rain and away to chapel and then the rest of my day...goody...Abba, give me the strength to get through today...I can collapse tomorrow...

HOW DARE YOU!

How dare you jump all over her for my choices?! How dare you make her feel like pure dirt when she has done nothing, NOTHING to deserve it??!! HOW DARE YOU!!!!!



If I didn't hold to my upbringing when it comes to respecting my elders, so help me...I would actually punch you.


Say what you want about me. I am strong enough to handle whatever you throw my way. I honestly don't care what you say anymore. She, on the other hand, is weak when it comes to self-confidence. You have drilled into her since she was small that she will never be enough for you. Never. Really?


No one is perfect. Everyone has their own issues. But you set yourself above the rest of us and  put us down constantly. We're not good enough.


Guess what.


I don't care if I'm not good enough for you.


I am good enough for my God and for others. I don't need you if all you're going to do is tell me how wrong I am, how much I'm messing up my life.


Screw. You.

T G I F!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!



I GET TO GO HOME FOR THE WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



*happy dance*




So while I wait for my guy to get out of choir so we can leave, I sit and listen to German pop music....I believe they call that a win *grins*

Dear Mother Nature, I would like to cancel my monthly subscription...

There are days I really hate being a girl...5 days out of every month to be exact...




Curses....bleck.....



I tend to have a pretty high pain tolerance so the cramping and backaches really don't bother me...they're just uncomfortable...


And the bleeding constantly is really annoying...especially in the summer...causes trips to the pool to need careful planning...


But what I hate most are the freaking mood swings...


One minute, I'll be just fine, super happy and everything...next minute something miniscule will annoy me and all I can see is red. In my mind I'm thinking, "okay, Chrissi, it's just such-and-such, nothing to get so pissy about, just calm down and forget it." Meanwhile, my brain is screaming, "Must. Be. Pissed!!!!"



Sounds like fun, right?




Makes me feel like...ultra bipolar or something...geez....or even a tad schizo....it's a right party in my head...




It would be easier if it would stay under control...but it seems no matter what I do, I end up losing control...



And I get really, REALLY sick of the people who tell me "Oh, you're just reacting like this cuz you're on your period."


Umm...not totally....




I usually react that way...you just don't see it because I'm very good at hiding what I truly think when I want to be. It just happens that when I'm on my period, my hormones are going wonky, so my control over my reactions is not as good...so I seem to be angrier......but really, I'm just actually showing my anger instead of hiding it so that it doesn't cause any extra problems.




Bleck...



A part of me really wants to have the dang surgery someday so I don't have to have my period anymore....but that would mean no kids as well...and I very much want the chance to be a mommy some day...



If I can even have kids...



Stupid ovarian cysts...





Why must my lady parts hate me?






On a sidenote, I kinda sorta (not really) feel bad for any guy who reads this post...it's probably grossing him out...but at the same time, dude, if you're going to be married someday...you have to get used to period talk. Heck, you can even come up with a code name for it. My boyfriend calls it "Shark Week". Yeah...I know....he's special...but *shrugs* I love him...


Besides, if you're a REAL man, you would buy your girl tampons or pads...just to show how much you care...


Also, due to the discomfort brought on by cramping and backaches, it is much harder to fall asleep at night...like right now...I've been about ready to pass out for at least an hour...but no....can't get comfortable to sleep...even now i'm not comfortable....bleck...i want sleep!!!





On another (happier) sidenote...tonight, while hanging out with my man i was listening to my favorites playlist on youtube. Toby Keith's song "Huckleberry" came on...my man proceeded to hold me close and sing the song to me...I cried...for real...*sigh*...best part of my day...I love him...

Mhm...I love that song...so much...it always makes me think of him...




I really do need to get to bed...actually in all honesty, I need to do my science homework that is due at 8 tomorrow morning...but I have decided to say screw it...I have my B for the class, that's all I care about...besides, my neck is starting to ache now as well so i'm going to try, once again, to find a comfortable position to fall asleep in...7:30 is going to come sooner than I want it...


Is it Christmas break yet?


Only 17 more sleeps til Christmas...only 8 more til Christmas break...hooray!!!!


So close...


Just like Dreamland...must...go...



Goodnight, world...I'll see you bright and early in the morning...

There are some people who just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.

One person in particular at the moment.



I'm not usually a violent person


But this person is pushing me closer to that edge...




Sir, you do NOT hurt my friends. You do NOT make them fear your actions. You do NOT make them believe everything you do to them is what they deserve. You do NOT follow them around to "talk" to them.



You know what you do?





YOU LEAVE HER THE HELL ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




I swear, boy...you maybe be buff and all that jazz...but do NOT EVER underestimate a well-placed kick in your family jewels. I know I'm "just a girl" but I'm warning you...



You better watch it.

Baby, it's cold outside...

"I really can't stay..."

"Baby, it's cold outside..."


Mhm...



that song has been running through my head ever since we went to Crown Center last night...sure, I shelled out the three bucks to strap on skates...but I was so frozen by the time I actually got up the courage to go out on the ice (I kinda sorta majorly clung to him the entire two rounds...but yeah...) that I really didn't care about skating anymore. The fact that my least favorite person almost ran into me as she rushed by didn't make it any better. Way to make me feel inadequate because of my crappy skating skills. Bleck. But whatever...I don't care.

The whole night was a blast. Even though I spent the majority of the time a frozen statue on the sidelines, I got to hang out with some friends that I don't get to see often outside of choir or work. That was fun...talking about boy problems and stupid profs and finals...the usual. Watching my guy showing off his moves on the ice...mhm...I'm glad he had fun...I know he's missed the ice...I just wish I was a better skater so I could skate with him...instead of looking like an idiot every time I'm on the ice *frustrated sigh* something to work on...




Overall, yesterday was great! Busy, but great...


Mom has started planning my wedding *giggles* even though he hasn't even asked yet...but it's her way of preparing for the Big Day...emotionally and mentally. She's a character. We spent 2 hours talking about it yesterday...every time I answered one of her questions, she popped up with another one...it was insane. Some of the things I'd never even thought of before...when he and I headed back to school, I was talking to him about some of them. Mhm...just talking about our future makes my heart all...fluttery *grins* I knew love was awesome...but I didn't know it felt like this. Everytime I think of him, it's like my heart just sighs with happiness...I can't believe he's mine. Thank you, Abba...for giving me this chance with him. He's not perfect (no one is) but he's perfect for me and I couldn't ask to be loved by anyone else.


Mhm...yay mushiness!!!!



........................and now for a commercial break in this program...aka...I have to go to work......



*roughly an hour later*



.....................and we now return to our usual paid programming....................



*sigh*


Pinterest is not helping me at all. He hasn't even asked yet but every time I get on, I look at the wedding ideas...

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!?!??!?!!!???!!


1. I am a freshman in college, I should NOT be this worried/nervous/excited about my wedding.

2. I've never been much of a girly girl but this stuff just makes me squee

3. HE HASN'T ASKED!!!!!!



I see #3 as the major issue here. Why am I so dang excited for this? Sure, we've talked about it but technically, it is not a done deal yet. When we have talked about it, he's said like 4-5 years away...so why am I so caught up in it now? This is ridiculous. Get it together, Hurd. You have other things to worry about, to take care of. Get your head in the game!


*sigh*


I'm hopeless...




Very hopeless...



I guess the reason I'm so excited for something that's so off in the distance is because it's my dream coming true...for as long as I can remember I've wanted to find the man my Abba had chosen for me and to stay with him for the rest of my life. Well, I've found my man...it's been one heck of an adventure finding him and keeping him (God, I think you had a bit of fun writing our love story, didn't you?.......Uh huh, that's what I thought.) but every step of the way has brought us to where we are now and I couldn't be happier. I honestly cannot help getting mushy when I talk about him anymore...I think I've actually found a whole new level of mushiness...but I'm okay with that *grins* It's just so amazing...I can't even describe it...


I guess what I'm saying is that I've found my man...now on to the next part of the plan...


Mhm...but that part is his job and so I'll wait...it'll be worth every minute...


...And whenever he does ask (if he does), I know it will be perfect...he wouldn't let it be any other way *winks*


Okay, okay...enough is enough...no more talk of this subject...


Must.


Resist.


Pinterest!



.....*clicks Pinterest link*



I am so weak....

Blargh...

It's after one o'clock in the morning...and I can't fall asleep...


Ugh...


It's a good thing I don't have to be up until 10:30 tomorrow...

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

It's December 1st and i am so excited!!! *grins* Christmas is in the air!

All my favorite things about the season are already starting...lights on houses, Salvation Army bell ringers at stores, 25 Days til Christmas on ABC Family, smiles on everyone around...


Christmastime always makes people...nicer, more loving, more helpful, more hopeful...it's beautiful...


Just today, when I went to Wal-Mart, the man parked next to me emptied his cart at the same time I did. I turned around just in time to see him pushing MY cart along with his to the cart thingy without even being asked. Upon returning back to his car, I told him thanks and he replied with a no problem and merry Christmas!
 


Mhm...how wonderful *smiles*



I'm so ready for Christmas with my family...yes, we're broken and still healing...but Christmas is always the time of year we manage to forget everything else and just enjoy being with each other. We laugh and talk and play Bingo and Apples to Apples and stick to our silly traditions but we all enjoy it.



Also, at Christmas, we seem to do things we wouldn't usually...for instance, I just texted my father and am now holding a real conversation with him for the first time since September...all because I felt like it. And he's replying! *sigh of happiness* Sure, I'm still angry at him behind all meaning but he IS still my dad...even if he doesn't really act like it...and honestly, I'm over the whole fact that he left. I'm angry becuase he still treats my mom like a piece of crap and he makes almost no effort to make contact with me or my siblings. I do miss him...I miss the sound of his voice calling my name, talking to him about bands and upcoming concerts, smelling the sawdust that always seemed to linger on him after a long day working in his shop, eating orange cinnamon rolls on Saturday mornings...*sigh*



..............okay..............I'm done for now.........the subject change kinda killed where I was going....oh well....i think i needed to say all that....really....