I feel numb.
I didn't get the position and scholarship I wanted/needed desparately...
A close family friend is literally days, if not hours from dying...
And now that needling little doubt in the back of my mind that I thought was just my insecurities?
Nope...it's a real problem...whatever it is. Something is wrong with our relationship.
I want to talk to him about it and fix it. Out of the three things, it's the only one I CAN fix. But it's guys weekend...he's surrounded by all his buddies and I don't matter. At least that's how it feels right now...I'm not saying I have anything against guys weekend because I don't. I think it's a great idea and it's good for him to spend time with all his friends. But I don't like the person he becomes around his friends....
It seems like ever since we got back to school after being engaged, when he's around his friends, he's different. He treats me different.
I've really only noticed it in the past week or two...but hindsight is twenty-twenty so I'm remembering other little things too.
The reason I haven't said anything before is because he's been taking everything I say the wrong way lately. Ever since she and I became better friends. He blames her for how I "treat" him now. She has nothing to do with it. I just figured that since we were engaged now I could point out the little things I thought he might want to fix or at least examine his reactions without him jumping down my throat. I just want him to be the best man he can be in every possible way. Before I never said anything because it wasn't my place to change him. That was between him and God. It still is. But if we're going to share a life together, I want to help make him a better person. I can't do that if pointing out a flaw causes such a vicious reaction everytime. I'm not going to put myself through that everytime.
The reason I'm saying this now is 1) I'm hoping he won't read this because he'll be busy with the guys and 2) because I need to get it all out somewhere before I go to the hockey game tonight so I don't bring all this up and ruin the night for him.
I'll tell him that we need to talk once we get back to school...if he can make room in his schedule for some alone time with me.
That's another thing...I really just want to spend some alone time with him. Time without his roommates or our other friends. I just want to go on a walk with him and talk...like we used to do.
There are so many things we used to do together that I miss now. We used to watch movies wrapped up in each other's arms. Now, it seems like he never seems to be content to just hold me until it's time for me to leave and I don't want to stand there in the middle of the hallway or doorway. When we sit and watch tv or a movie, I just want to crawl into his lap and hold me again. We used to go for walks on the trails at the community center and we would just talk...about so many things. I miss that so much...when we tried to do that over the break, it just wasn't the same. We used to play MarioKart and SuperSmash together. He used to buy me flowers. Every morning, I would wake up to a "good morning" text message and every night, he would tell me goodnight and sweet dreams. Those things are becoming a rarity, something he only thinks about once in awhile.
What changed?
You wanna know why else I haven't said anything?
Because I'm terrified you'll think I'm just a nag and you'll leave me just like my dad left my mom.
I would never be able to survive that.
So I sit in silence, hoping you'll figure this out on your own. Now I'm realizing you won't and I"m trying to do something to change things. I'm even making a concious effort to change what you have pointed out as my flaws. But when I point out your flaws, you just snap.
I know hearing these thing can't be easy. It wasn't for me when you pointed out a couple of my flaws. But I knew you were just trying to help...even if I did get angry. I apologized though, for lashing out at you.
That is something you haven't done.
You know something else you haven't done?
It suddenly clicked with me today.
You've made me feel wanted...but not so much needed or truly loved.
I know you love me. I know that. But remember, dear...I have two love languages.
And while you're very good at appealing to one, the other has been seriously lacking...
And because that love language isn't being fulfilled, I feel as if I'm not significant anymore.
I have a gigantic green rock resting on my ring finger right now...so I know that's not true. But a rock, no matter how gorgeous or important, is cold...your arms around me, your smile, your laugh, your love are warm and filling.
I hate crying...I especially hate crying because of you...it makes me feel so awful...my stomach is twisting itself into all sorts of knots at the thought of telling you we need to talk. It's not going to be like when you surprised me with my bike...this is for real.
This is something serious...even if you don't realize it. I need to just sit down with you and talk about this.
I know this whole thing probably sounds like so negative and terrible. That's not how it is all the time. When we've gone on those bike rides this week, I wish we could've just stayed there, exploring those beautiful trails, just the two of us together. Going to the zoo over spring break was a blast...and taking that afternoon to just nap next to each other...I don't think I've slept that well since. When I met you after Ladies Night and we walked down the mall and we danced...I felt like I could have flown to the stars and back, I was so happy.
You make me happy, angel...you really do. And I love you so much I swear my heart could burst sometimes.
But there are also times where I just want to cry and scream and punch the wall because I feel so hurt and frustrated and you don't seem to care or understand.
I want to change that. I don't want that to be between us, especially seeing as we're supposed to get married next summer.
I want to fix our problems, whatever problems I feel I have with you and whatever problems you feel you have with me. I want to sit down, share those, hash it out, fix it.
I have been broken for so long...with all that I've been through in the past two years. I'm tired of being broken and I don't want to drag you down with me. I want to make things better.
I want to build on our relationship, making it bigger, better, stronger...just because we're getting married does not mean our relationship has stopped growing. If anything, that means it should be growing by leaps and bounds. We should be comfortable with each other, but the little things we did for each other shouldn't stop. I realize I've been lacking in these areas as well and I'm going to change. But I want you to see and to change too.
So please, if you've been reading this...don't get mad at me when I ask to talk to you and start pointing these things out. Don't interrupt me, let me get it all out. Listen to what I have to say, don't just hear me talking. I'm not going to do this to hurt you. I'm going to do this to help you, to help us.
It's all about us now, angel. We have to realize that. We're going to have life together. We can't be selfish or think only of ourselves anymore. We two are going to become one in a year. We have to get used to a different kind of thinking.
I'm going to stop talking now, okay? Please, try to understand what I've been trying to say. I'll talk to you about all of this when we get the chance. I need to go wash my face and make myself look presentable so that when Sky picks me up, I don't look like I've been crying for the past two hours.
No matter what, angel...please remember that I love you. I will always love you. God gave me you...and I plan on doing whatever is necessary to make I don't abuse that gift again.
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