Let those prayers roll down your cheeks...

I both love and hate coming home...


I love it because that means seeing so many faces that I've missed terribly...eating delicious homecooked foods...showering in water that stays warm...






But then I hate it...because it means crying and remembering and dealing with everything I've pushed away for the past couple months as I've tried to start fresh...


It means listening to the worries and sorrows that I've tried so hard to ignore...it means seeing the looks of pity....the hugs meant to be comforting but really just anger me...


I hate it because when I'm home...I become the stronger one...the who's made her own way so she can take care us one...the one who plays the devil's advocate and listens to all sides and questions and tries to come to a conclusion...

But I can't do that anymore...I just can't handle it...I reached my breaking point months ago...how I've still managed to hold on is just...all God...my Abba is the only reason I haven't crashed yet...


Sitting here, the song "7 x 70" comes to mind...


I've been living in this house here
Since the day that I was born
These walls have seen me happy
But most of all they've seen me torn

They've heard the screaming matches
That made a family fall apart
They've had a front row seat
To the breaking of my heart

7 times 70 times
I'll do what it takes to make it right
I thought the pain was here to stay
But forgiveness made a way

7 times 70 times
There's healing in the air tonight
I'm reaching up to pull it down
Gonna wrap it all around

I remember running downt the hallway
Playing hide and seek
I didn't know what I was searching
For someone to notice me

I felt alone and undiscovered
And old enough to understand
Just when I'm s'posed to be learning  to love you
Let me doubt again

7 times 70 times
I'll do what it takes to make it right
I thought the pain was here to stay
But forgiveness made a way

7 times 70 times
There's healing in the air tonight
I'm reaching up to pull it down
Gonna wrap it all around

I lost count of the ways you let me down
But no matter how many times you weren't around
I'm alright now

God picked up my heart and helped me through
And shined a light on the one thing left to do
And that's forgive you
I forgive you

7 times 70 times
If that's the cost, I'll pay the price
7 times 70 times
I'll do what it takes to make it right
I thought the pain was here to stay
But forgiveness made a way

7 times 70 times
There's healing in the air tonight
I'm reaching up to pull it down
Gonna wrap it all around
Yeah, I'm gonna wrap it all around

I've been living in this house here
Since the day that I was born...

I'm afraid I'm only at the verses, Abba...I guess my heart and mind are still so wrapped up in all the suffering I've been through the past couple years...I've spent so much time trying to make others feel better or trying to forget...that all those feelings have just grown and festered inside me...and now they're eating me alive from the inside out...


Every song I hear, every place I go...something somehow reminds me of some memory from the last two years...even the bad times that have been made right...even those still haunt me...



I just want it all to go away, Abba...



I want to forgive and forget so I can move on with my life...can You show me how? Will You stand by me and help me through it all?


I know it's going to hurt, Abba...but it will be like walking on clouds compared to what I've already been through...


Please, Abba...that's all I want...come into my heart and clean it out...make it fresh and new and all for You...make me white as snow again...please...










You don't need to run
You don't need to speak
Baby, take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheeks.
It may be tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight, it's alright...

Just cry...













*sigh of relief*