Extreme Makeover: Chrissi edition

Well.


Umm.


Yeah...


I have no idea where to start.

I honestly don't.


There's just so much...*sigh*


Alright, here's the deal. Last year, I used this blog as a way to vent, to get my feelings and thoughts outta my brain and down somewhere so I could sort them out. Then things got better. I didn't have as much to vent about. So I stopped. Then things got bad again...so bad that I couldn't even write about it because it hurt too much. Times were confusing and painful. I would write every now and then but it wasn't good, it wasn't helpful. It was just too much.

I would hide behind forced smiles and stained laughter. I don't know if anyone else noticed this but I stopped looking people in the eye. I didn't want them to see what I was hiding and I didn't want to see their pity or concern. I cried easily and snapped even easier. It didn't take much anymore. Ask my fiance...he got the burnt of all that. It was awful and terrible and, pardon the Relient K reference but, who I am, who I truly am inside, hates who I've been. It's like I've been trapped inside myself. I've been looking out, seeing, feeling, hearing everything I've been doing all this time. Yes, I have been doing all that BUT there was always a part of me, small and scared, resisting, shuddering at everything that happened.

I can't really describe to you what it was like. Imagine if Dr. Jekyll was fully concious while Hyde was running around killing people. He would experience everything Hyde did as if he were doing it himself but he wouldn't have the ability to stop him. He would be an observer of his own self without any control. That's about what I've felt like the past...oh...I don't even know...3 years? Maybe only 2. But still...yeah. I have done and said things I wouldn't have. At least the old me wouldn't have me. I've become that monster. That thing I told myself I would never become.

It's wrecked my life. It isolated me, made me bitter and hopeless. It almost destroyed my relationship. I honestly hate looking at myself in the mirror anymore, even just to brush my teeth or check my hair in the morning. I hate seeing what I've become. I can't even look myself in the eyes anymore. I have failed.

I can't live like this anymore. No more quick fixes or forced happiness. I'm done. Pardon my French but...it's time to get my shit together. I have been broken and dead inside for too long.

So get ready, self. It's time for Extreme Makeover: Chrissi edition. This baby's getting remodeled inside and out. Mostly inside...I'm not going on some ridiculous body make over thing...though I am going to work on that a bit too...more on that later. Anyway. I need your help, blog. I'm going to use you. Every day I am going to write here. Even if it's just a paragraph. I'm going to do it. I'm going to vent, I'm going to rant, I'm going to explain, I'm going to think things through...and I need your help to do it. It helped last year. I hope it does this time too. I just need to get it all out...my worries, my fears, my memories, my depression, my exhaustion, my hopes and dreams...all of it. I need to process it in some way other than rolling it all around in my head. There's not enough room up there right now.

Anyway. I fill you in as we go along. There's a lot to say and honestly, I don't want to say any of it. Everything I write is going to be raw and honest and most of it isn't going to be pretty. But this needs to happen. And it's going to. Even if I have to go through this with just God and my blog, I will do this. I have to. Or I could lose everything I have ever cared about. And then life really wouldn't be worth living anymore...

So here I go. Wish me luck!