That song lyric lies....
I'm tired of feeling pain....
Emotional, physical....any of it.....I'm tired of it...
......plugging into my headphones was not a smart idea....thank you, Taylor Swift, for ruining my pathetic attempt to start the morning off happy.....thank you for awakening the memories.....
Though it's not really Taylor's fault.....everything about this campus awakens some sort of a memory.....I didn't realize that was going to happen when I got up here....I was probably too excited to be getting out of that house finally and being able to breathe again....add that I'd be living with my best friend and my boyfriend would be right across the way? Perfection...
But not really....
I still love the school itself, even though the homework is already killing me, and I absolutely love how the campus feels like home...the freedom is unbelievable....
But I still have almost no privacy...which for the most part, I am okay with. The girls on my hall are great....we're all like long lost sisters. But when I've had a really bad headache all day and I feel sick and all I want to do is lay down on my bed and crash...but I couldn't.....because there were girls and papers strewn all over my bed...a couple girls hanging with my roommate, talking and working on homework. Well, seeing as how they were there first and they were working on stuff for school, I didn't want to be a jerk and tell them to get out. So I grabbed my book, my pillow, my mp3 player and a blanket and headed outside to find a good spot to chill. Later, I went back for my sketch book and Sharpies. They weren't there anymore. But I didn't feel like moving back inside...it was too pretty outside. Plus, out there I could be alone...sure, I had a couple drop by to say hi and ask what I was doing...but for the most part, I was left to myself. It was glorious.
I ended up falling asleep at some point...next time thing I knew, I was checking my phone and an hour had passed...my face had an imprint on it from laying on my book....
I put my things away and glanced out the window to see him building a sandcastle....the adult side of my brain looked at him and thought he was being ridiculous and obsessive....but I went out to see him...I sat and watched him....made faces of my own....looked up in time to see her walk by....
That was the end of my sand playing,.....seeing her brought back all the memories of last fall when all he seemed to talk about was making sandcastles with a group of friends...and how one night, it was so cold and she got him this goofy looking sweater to wear and took a picture and sent it to me. I wondered at the time if that's what she was thinking of...if she was seeing him build another sandcastle and remembering that one....after seeing her, that's what i was thinking of....I even had to make the excuse of going to the bathroom so he wouldn't see me start crying....thinking about last fall hurts....because that's when he was drifting away and I didn't even know why because he wouldn't ever tell me....just thinking about it is making me cry again....and shake....i'm making so many typos and having to retype.....have to leave for class soon....and I don't want to go....
All I can think about is him and how it feels like we're drifting apart again.....and I don't even know why.....or how to fix things.....I'm working on my temper and trying so hard not to take my stress out on him....all I really want to do is spend time with him....alone....
I just want to go for walks, or eat a meal together, or run to the store....just something that's me and him....
It doesn't have to be something big....just something...
He says we won't get to see each other every day....but I say why not? That's all we talked about all summer it seemed....how I'd be free and he'd be home and we could see each other every day, whenever we wanted. Yes, I know we each have our own schedules. His is just about to get busier because of the play, but that just means it takes more a little more effort and planning to make the time for each other....
I want to do that....
I honestly don't know what he wants....
And that's what scares me....
I'm usually so good at reading him....but not lately.....
Curse this shaking....stupid hands....type what I want you to....
And yes, I know he reads this blog and is probably going to confront me with all this...but in all honesty, it's nothing I haven't tried to tell him before....well, except the thing about her....but he doesn't like it when I bring her up....so I try not to....when I do, it just slips out....like yesterday when I mentioned that her leg does that bouncy thing that mine does....we found that out in choir yesterday....well...the girl sitting between us did hehe....I'm sorry for that, by the way....it's just sometimes it amazes me how alike she and I can be....it's kinda scary....but it just makes me even more curious about her....and since I can't talk to her....well, he's the only other one who knows her.....
So, I'm stuck....
Ach.....this is NOT how I wanted to start my morning....it was already bad enough, with that dream....
I woke up crying for the first time since February.....
But when you've been put in the role of key to the resistance (think Katniss) and while they're trying to sneak you out to a safe place, your best friend is shot to pieces right before your eyes...your mentor is captured and tortured in front of you to try to get information from you....and when you're finally rescued, it's by the person who turned you in in the first place who had to fly a plane into the building to cause a big enough distraction to steal you away.....and as you jump out of the building, a bullet finds it's way to your vertabrae, and then...you wake up.....gasping, crying, sitting up and feeling for the hole that should be in the middle of your chest....
Even a thirty mintue shower has not been enough to wash away the images from my mind....it all just felt so real....it wasn't like I was living a movie or a book....I was actually living....it was the reality....I woke up feeling remorse for losing my best friend and mentor....and mixed feelings for the man who saved me....my back hurts right on the spine between my shoulder blades as if I'd been hit there....
In that dream, I had lost everything that I held dear...my friend, my mentor, my family had been killed to get to me as well....even I'd been shot....
But why did I dream that?
I didn't watch any sort of action movie before bed...I watched Ella Enchanted with him and his roommate (hehe that was fun).....and I was reading a romance before I went to bed....the boy had finally confessed his love for the girl....
....so where did that dream come from??????
Ach....confusing....
And now....I must end this....or I'll be late to class.....
If you'd looked on the ground you would have seen the trail of blood and known that was what I was thinking of.
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I remembered how I sent said photo to you playfully, went on about how much fun you and I would have the following year, of how we'd be so crazy and team up against him, of how he and I planned to make a map of Middle Earth in the sand, of bringing hot chocolate to them, being glad that I had a guy friend, etc.
...of how I got quiet and changed the subject when he acted weird after I mentioned you.
I wanted to help him, but I didn't want to pry.
I suppose we just took a roundabout way of accomplishing what I'd planned on over a year ago ;)
I find it absolutely fascinating that after everything, we're finally able to...not forget prehaps but move past what happened and be friends. Part of me wishes we hadn't gone through the hurt and betrayal and such but I think in part it was necessary...part of a growing process in some way. Whatever the meaning, it is all better now :)
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