Fine. You win.

I give up.


Fine. I'll be the evil one, the one messing up your new life. I'll be the one who hurt you.

Being abandoned for another man' woman, a new family, a "fresh start"...yeah, that didn't hurt at all. The phone calls and texts would have made it easier except...wait, what are those? A rarity. The last I heard from you directly was on my birthday. When is my birthday? March 6. What day is it? December 13.

You couldn't even text or call me to tell me you didn't like what I thought of your new wife. You tried with a Facebook message but that left no room for my own feelings. It's all about you and your happiness now.

And now one of your new daughters is cussing me out on Facebook. Seriously?


1. That's really classy. Let's put "family" drama on Facebook. Sure, I have a blog but you wanna know who reads it? My fiance, my aunt, my roommate, and apparently you. Wow...like all of those people don't already know about this crap. Her post however recieved comments from other people. That's just trashy. You don't put shit like that on Facebook.

2. How dare you show her kids what I have to say?? This shit is between you and me. I don't tell Mom what I write on here so when you text her all upset about what I've said, she has to call me and ask me what I said. Way to put her in middle, jerkface. Leave her out of this crap. If you don't like what I'm saying or it upsets you, contact me. I might answer. Then again, I probably shouldn't because the 4th commandment will be thrown out the window. You haven't acted like my father for quite a while now...I'm not going to hold anything back.

3. I know you're going to be at Grandma's for Christmas. Please, whatever happens, do not bring this crap up around her. She doesn't deserve that. It's a holiday with family. Keep all ya'lls tempers on a leash and I'll control mine. This is my last Christmas at Grandma's for awhile and I don't want it ruined by this shit.

4. I will continue writing whatever the hell I want on this blog. Only 4 people read it and they already know what's going on. This is for me to work out my own anger without resorting to violence. Don't like it? Don't read it. And tell little miss thang that I'll get over this when I want. My family fell apart. I'm still trying to put the pieces together. If she doesn't like the pace at which I'm going, she can suck it up and get over herself. She doesn't know shit about me so she should back off.

I'm really tired of finding out you're mad at me through Mom. Grow a pair and tell me yourself. That may sound disrespectful but so is putting Mom in the middle. Quit that.

I was hoping to maybe be okay with you by Christmas but this last incident just threw that out the window. I ended up with your temper and stubborn streak, Dad. So you of all people should undestand I need some time to get used to this crap. If you have patience with me, I'll try to be nicer. I'll at least stop calling your wife a whore. It's a knee-jerk reaction really. But I'll do my best to control the urge.

Now go back to your new life and leave me alone. You obviously didn't care enough to stick around in the first place. You don't get to stick your nose in my business now.

My ghosts are coming back to haunt me

I'm at a loss for words. I mean, I can type out what I'm thinking...but I'm in such a state of shock anytime I try to speak, tears well up and fear grips my tongue.


Christmas Day is going to be hell.



My favorite day in the entire year...something I look forward to with all my heart...a tradition I'm loathe to give up...

And it's now ruined.


Today has already been draining. I'm on my period (2nd day), I'm exhausted both physically and mentally, I just want to take a nap but I have work in 20 minutes...it's just been a long day.


Then it just had to get worse.


I went to check the time on my cell phone in my last class when I noticed I had a text from my mother. I haven't enjoyed getting a text from her in awhile since they're usually all about her wedding (which I dread) or about how much she "misses her baby girl and how things used to be between us". Gag me. This text wasn't any better. In fact, it was much worse.

"Just letting u know, from the text I just got, your dad will be at gma's on christmas day."

Aside from the terrible grammer and the use of text langauge (which, as an English major, drives me up the wall), this text was the worst thing that could have possibly happened to me.


My father, the one who left us for some woman he met online, the one who disowned me after reading my post about my true feelings concerning the divorce and his remarriage, the one who hasn't spoken directly to me in almost a year, he's coming to my grandma's during my favorite celebration of the year. The one time a year I see all of my favorite family members in one day where we spend the day sharing news and presents and good food and laughter and Bingo prizes and he's going to be there.

If he was the only one I was going to have to deal with, I might...MIGHT be able to handle it. But 10 bucks says he's bringing his whore...I mean, his new wife. And she's pregnant. Goody.


On top of that, my mother is getting married a week from tomorrow and I still can hardly stand her chosen signficant other either.


So I'm going to have to deal with it on BOTH sides!!! And the whole time I'm going to be expected to smile and be happy and pretend like I'm not dying on the inside.


I'm not going to be able to do it.





And now I'm sitting here trying to piece myself back together so I can go to work...


Just four more hours and then I can completely break down...if I survive that long. If you're reading this and you see me in the next couple days, please do not bring up Christmas or the fact that I look like a kicked puppy. You might lose your head. Fair warning.

Beautiful Things

I wrote this for a reflection paper but it ended up being an outlet to allow my feelings to escape. Until I started actually writing this, I didn't realize how badly I needed to get all of this out on paper and out of my head. God, I miss her so much somedays it hurts. She didn't deserve any of it. Brenna, angel, I thank God every day that I knew you and that you are not suffering. In memory of you, Brenna Leann Morgart...you beautiful girl.

            “You make beautiful things. You make beautiful things out of us!” This meaningful worship song will always hold a special place in my heart. My friend, Brenna, loved this song and she sang it proudly at all times. It was the theme song for her life, or so she would say. Ask anyone in the community; Brenna was definitely a beautiful thing.

            Brenna Leann Morgart and I grew up around the corner from each other. She was just a year younger than me. I actually met her older sister, Arianna, first because she was in my gifted class, but I met Brenna the next year. Even when we were innocent little children, Brenna was a bright, shining light. I remember her as a sweet, fun girl who always shared the swings and never said anything mean to anyone.

            As we moved on to middle school, Brenna’s demeanor never changed. If anything, it only burned brighter. We were never the best of friends, but we passed each other in the halls, and she always smiled at me. If we weren’t in a hurry, we would make small talk with each other just to check in on how life was treating the other. I remember when she told me she had accepted Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior. Her face was just shining with happiness, and the smile I never thought could be more genuine was absolutely stunning.

            My favorite memory with Brenna took place my senior year in high school. I had finally worked up the guts to audition for the school musical, Thoroughly Modern Millie. Brenna and I auditioned in the same group, and she could tell I was nervous. She put a hand on my shoulder and said in her sweet voice, “Girl, you got this. Actually, God’s got this so there is no need to worry. Everything is going to be alright. Just go out there and sing your heart out and He’ll do the rest.” So, that’s what I did. A week later, when the cast list went up, my name was listed for the part of Alice. In a funny turn of events, my character and Brenna’s character were good friends in the play. So we spent copious amounts of time running lines, practicing the choreography, and rehearsing the songs. I still look upon those days with a smile in my soul.

            After I graduated, I did not see Brenna again until we met at a mutual friend’s graduation this past May. Brenna was graduating as well, and excitement practically bubbled from her as she spoke of her rowing scholarship to K-State. I wasn’t surprised to find her the same Brenna we all had known and loved for years. Little did any of us know how quickly things would change.

            May 25^th was the Friday before Memorial Day. My family, including my fiancé and my best friend, were spending some much needed rest at the lake. Our rest would not last long. Even now, I don’t know how to start this part of the story other than being obnoxiously blunt. Around six o’clock in the evening, I received a text message from a friend back home asking if I had seen or heard from Bren. She had gone for a jog in our neighborhood around 11 that morning and hadn’t been heard from since. This was so unlikely of her that a group of friends was getting together to go look for her.

            With the help of a police helicopter, one search group found her body in a field a mere four miles from my house. Evidence showed she had been hit by a car and dumped in the field like yesterday’s trash. After she made the news, a man was turned in by his parents as a suspect. He had told his parents he had hit a deer with his car but after being checked out, the data was definite. This man, a boy really, had killed Brenna. After more digging, the police found Dustin Leftwich had been stalking Brenna for months; he had followed her in his car while she went on her jog, and ran her down once she was far enough from the neighborhood. He then put her in the trunk of his car, drove to the dump site, took advantage of  Bren in her injured state, and left her for dead. Brenna, my sweet, beautiful Brenna was treated like trash, and tossed aside like a broken doll. To this day, I cannot even wrap my mind around what she suffered.

            There were over a 1,000 people that came to her funeral. Her sister and her father spoke to us about how Brenna lived her life. Her pastor talked about how she always swung for the fences; she did not live in fear or regret, but lived each day for Christ. She had such an impact on our school, our community. In remembrance of her life and how she lived, we were all given whiffle balls to carry in her memory, to remind us all to swing for the fences like Brenna did. I carry mine with me in my backpack; on days when I cannot get her out of my head, I take it out and hold it in my hands just to feel closer to her again.

            Some days are easier than others. There are days where I swear I can see her smile in the sunshine, or hear her singing in the breeze. A few days after school started, I met a girl named Brenna, and my heart clenched painful memory at the sound of her name. No matter how low I feel, I always remember Bren is in a better place now. She is with her Jesus; she suffers no longer. Her words from the musical audition still ring in my head: “You got this. Actually, God’s got this so there is no need to worry. Everything is going to be alright.” I know she’s right. God does have me in His hands, and even though this situation is tragic and bleak, He will make certain some good comes of it. “You make beautiful things. You make beautiful things out of dust. You make beautiful things. You make beautiful things out of us!” Truer words could not be said, and I will always remember them in Brenna’s name.

Mother Nature hates me, I swear.

I have always had a very high tolerance for pain...but when it comes to my "time of the month" I am a big baby.


I do have these pesky things called ovarian cysts but those only happen a couple times a year at most. Other than that...it's just pain...excruciating pain...blargh...and on top of the pain, hot/cold flashes, headaches, backaches, shakiness, and dizziness. Sometimes, if I don't eat soon enough, I get really weak and have issues staying concious (like today in American Lit). Other times, if I do eat, then I get sick...


I'd rather pass out in class than throw up, thank you very much. Bleck.



So here I am, yet again a slave to my heating pad, hiding in my bed, because the ONE time I need to be able to count on my high pain tolerance, it fails me. Every time. I hate it.



My kids better appreciate me. Because I'm going through this for them. See, future children? I love you before I even know you.

It's been a long time...

It has been...quite a long time since I've written on here. Not that I haven't had things to say...I just haven't wanted to say them. I haven't wanted my thoughts down on paper.

As a writer, I know that's just...wrong. Thoughts become stories...stories become real (at least, to the author).

But...my thoughts aren't...pretty. At least not right now.


I haven't written anything since May. I just...can't. I'm even struggling to get this down and it still, somewhat, make sense.

There's just been so much to deal with. So much that my mind is just now letting me think about. So much has happened. Too much.


I realize I need to start putting my thoughts down again...maybe that will clear my head.

I'll try, at least...

My name is not Atlas; I cannot carry the world on my shoulders anymore

...I've never been one for confrontation or stirring the pot...


But I just can't take this anymore...and I feel like no matter what I would say to you, you're too wrapped in your newfound "happiness" to actually hear what I'm trying to tell you...



It's not often that my feelings about people are wrong...it's like my very own Spidey sense...and boy, is it tingling right now...


Anytime I'm around him, it's like the world is shaking and the lines are blurring...and not in a good way.


And it's not just me! Most of the people I know who have met him say he just rubs them the wrong way or they get a bad or creepy feeling from him.



I can't escape him...he's always around. It's almost like my Shadow Man has come to life...in the form of my mother's new boyfriend...


Now, I'm fighting myself. I want my mother to be happy...and this man makes her happy. He dotes on my sister and gets along with my brother. He helps around the house and gives my mother the laughter and company she's needed for so long.


But I can't handle being around him for long periods of time...which is all I'm stuck with since he's pretty much living at our house. I don't say that lightly. He sleeps at our house. He eats at our house. He leaves for work from our house and comes back to our house after work. The only he hasn't done is actually move all his stuff in...which we don't have the room for.


I know I need to talk to Mom about how I'm feeling but I also know her...she'll just discredit everything I say because they're "just feelings" and "I'm happy now and you should be happy about that"...I bet she'll even go so far as to use the whole "I'm still your mother and you have to do what I say" argument.



But I'm 19 now. I've been taking of myself for over the past year without any help from any of my family. And it's not like I don't have a place to go. I do. I've actually been urged to move in tomorrow..."don't take it slow; move out now and treat it like a Band-Aid". But I just can't do that to my mom. And I need to give the people I'd be moving in with more notice than that. This really can't be something I do just because of some feelings I have about my mom's boyfriend. I need to talk to my mom first...and my siblings...I need to explain this to them. I don't want my kids to think I'm abandoning them like Dad abandoned us. I wish I didn't have to leave them there to deal with my mom's mess all on their own...they're too young.


...I can't do this...


I just...can't...



Abba...

...much better...

It's amazing sometimes what a good cry in the arms of someone who cares about you can do for you...



First, falling apart in the arms of two of my best friends on my hall...they knew I just needed to let it all out...


Then later, breaking down in his arms while saying a lot of things that I needed to say out loud...



...I feel better...



Thank you...

My brief (and ridiculous) hysterics

Why do you keep asking me to help with your sandcastle making when you know how I feel about it?


Yes, I have moved passed everything that happened last year...befriending your ex helped out with that a lot.

But I told you...it's just not my thing.



I'll do it...and sometimes I'll enjoy it...when I'm in the mood.



But not finals week when I have so much to worry about and get done. Yes, today is my down day but I'm using that to make sure everything else is ready for the rest of the week and to catch up on sleep...9 hours in the past three days is not healthy...



And I find it ironic how your sandcastle making always seems to coincide with the week I'm PMSing...so I'm already on a hormonal, emotional roller coaster as it is. Then you ask me to do something, which means I could spend much wanted time with you...doing something I really don't care to do.


I keep trying to come up with reasons why I don't want to do sandcastles...

I don't want to get all sandy and messy right before I go to work (which is valid and very true)

I don't want to do something you used to do with her (not valid anymore...so not a good reason because I really don't care)

I have other things I should be doing (not completely true today...though I should be studying for my LSD1 final tomorrow)


...I'm sure I could up with more but they're just stupid. They all are. I just don't want to build sandcastles. I dunno why. I just don't.



And that really bothers me.


You enjoy it so much. I want to enjoy it too. I want it to be something we can enjoy doing together (and one time we did, when we made the pod racing arena).


But any time you ask me to help, my gut reaction is to say no and run away, crying.


And I have no idea why.



Take me away now, while I'm still sane enough to hold still while the strait jacket is put on because I must be crazy.


What normal person cries at the thought of building a sand castle?


Bleck...


I am a mess. How do you put up with me?



Add this hysterical weirdness on top of everything else going on and it's amazing I'm out of bed, dressed, and talking coherently...


I'm going to eat and then take a nap...hopefully that will help me keep my insanity under wraps long enough to help you with the dang sand castle and then go to work...then promptly collapsing afterwards...

I cannot believe you

Since this is my blog and I can say what I want...



Fuck you.



Take your whore and your new life and leave me in peace.




I thought things were changing, improving...


Then you dropped off the map again...only to show up again newly married (in Vegas, no less...yeah, that shows true commitment...you hate Vegas, asshole, remember?) without telling anyone and you expect us to be happy for you???


And I quote: "Been married a week and only 1 family member has said congrats, WTF??"


Yeah...because we're all so thrilled you finally married the skank you left my mother for...the one who's done so much damage to the rest of us .



"She's my new wife and your step mom and you just have to deal with it."



Fuck that.



(I hate you for making me break my non-cussing streak...just add that to the long list)




She will never in any way be a mother figure to me...she will always be the lying slut you abandoned us for.



I don't have to deal with it, you know why?



Because you have no say in my life anymore.


Not only did you walk away but now I'm an adult, living on my own, taking care of myself. You assist me in no such fashion...I get no money from you, I get no support from you. The most you've done is said you're proud of me. Damn right you better be. Because I didn't end up like you, with a baby fresh out of high school. I've already attended college longer than you did. Great role model you are.


The only thing...the ONLY thing you can claim to have done for me...is that because you left us, causing us to live in such a level of poverty we hadn't reached before, I was able to recieve more money from the government through my FAFSA.


But really...that's just because you weren't making any money and neither was Mom at the time we filed.



"Your mother just needs to get over it too."



Guess what, dumbass? She has! Sure, what you did to her has left her insecure and fragile but she's found a man who treats her like you should have, who wants to marry her, take care of her and us, and grow old with her. He wants to sacrifice for her, wants to make her smile. Did you ever want to do that?



Doubt it.



You're a damn good actor, Dad



But stay away from me.


You have no part in my life from now on.



Oh, and consider yourself officially uninvited to my wedding.



Don't think you can make me change my mind this time.



Get the hell outta my life. You're done hurting me.

Progress

It's a wheel turning,
A tripping trot up a hill.
It's the colors of the world
Brightening, sharpening.
It's journey not just from A to B,
But from A to S or even T.
It's a raging crowd
Pushing, extending the boundaries.

Some stand and curse the skies,
Crying out in anger, saying
What good is this thing called "progress",
What is gained from this trouble?
Is it worth the tumult caused?

And then, the top of the hill,
That sweet curve, sits under our feet.
Our journey is over; progress reached.
The shining green life surrounds us all
As we stand in the midst
Of all we had dreamed.

Is This Love?

I was unexpected
But you still sacrificed,
You still fought for me,
You still love me.

Never once in my childhood
Did I doubt that you cared;
There was nothing I could do
To make you not love me.

Then you left; you walked away.
Nothing said could change your mind
Yet you yelled over your shoulder
As you disappeared: "I still love you!"

How is that possible
How can you say you still love me
As you abandon everything
That you worked and sacrificed for?

I don't understand, Daddy,
You fought so hard to be in my lfie
Then you walked away,
Leaving me alone out in the cold

How is that love?
How can you say you still care?
I don't know if I believe you;
I don't think I do...

No, I don't want to think about that right now

As I sit writing my Lifespan paper, I'm listening to my It's Your Love radio station on Pandora. All the good, classic country love songs make me think of him...I miss him. We've barely been able to spend time together lately...our lives have just gotten so busy. So I've been letting my mind wander...remembering some of my favorite times with him (like when we were at his aunt's house for the 4th of July and we rode out across her land on a 4-wheeler...or that day we used our SHARP passes to skip school and we went to the zoo and the trails...). Each song that played just made me miss him more...made my heart skip a couple beats as I thought about how much I love him and how I can't believe God gave him to me, especially since we're both still so young.



And then Tim McGraw's song "My Little Girl" came on...and all my happy memories disappeared...



That was the song Mom and I had always talked about being the song for the daddy/daughter dance at my wedding...



It was one of the few country songs that my dad was okay with...and that was only because of what the song talked about...not the artist or the actual music.


I couldn't skip that song fast enough.



You know what song came up next?


"Stay" by Sugarland



That's a cheating song... and not just any cheating song. A cheating song from the point of view of the other woman.



Now I know how the song ends...she decides she's not going to be the other woman anymore, she's done asking him to stay.


But still...




Yeah...because I totally wanted to go from my mushy gushy lovey dovey thoughts to...remembering my life, at least when it comes to my family, is broken and will never be the way it used to be. It's been two years since Dad cheated on Mom with Shannon...but the pain is still so fresh, there are days it takes my breath away.




Back when my parents first got married, and they were still in love...I used to look at them, at my dad stopping to buy my mom purple roses after work, my mom making dad apple crisp in the summer because it was his favorite, the two of them sitting on the back porch, mom's head on his shoulder, dad's arm around her as they just sat and enjoyed nature and the company of each other...I used to look at them and hope someday I would have a love like that...



I don't want a love like that if it just leads to where I am now.



But my Abba gave me my man...and even though we've had our ups and downs, I know our love is different than that of my parents...our love is the kind that I truly wanted...the kind that does all those things...but doesn't sour. Instead, my love for my man grows stronger each day...I swear when I die, it's going to be because my heart burst because it couldn't get any fuller...hehe


*sigh*



Okay, I feel better now...back to my Lifespan paper.

And on that day...

Watching Friends with my roommate while I finish up my lesson plan for tomorrow...
It was the episode where Chandler and Monica get married.



The butterflies returned to my stomach as I realized...



That's going to be me and him next year...




That will be him standing at the front of the room, waiting for me to enter and walk down the aisle. That will be us saying our vows, exchanging rings, being announced man and wife, kissing in front of everyone before we walk back down the aisle together...married...together until the Lord calls us home...



*shivers*



How insane is that?



It's the best kind of insanity though...and I can't wait!

Rain, rain go away

I wish he was here with me to ride out this possible storm...



It never fails...whenever my family is not together during a storm scare like this...the bad part of the storm always hits wherever they are...


Like the last time we were separated...I was at his house and the rest of my family had gone out to dinner. The funnel cloud passed right over the restaurant they were at; I watched it on television.

Like right now...the red part of the radar is headed straight for them.

Abba, watch over them...please....they're all I have left. Them and him.



Even if we aren't in danger right now, I wish he were here to hold me close and tell me everything is going to be okay. But no...stupid open dorm rules...

He's not even answering his phone right now so I can't even hear his voice. He's probably gone to bed...even though I asked him to text me tonight while we at the gala. Bet he forgot...


I can't wait until we're married and I can fall into his arms whenever I need comfort...his embrace always makes me feel better...even those times when I don't want to admit it.



*sigh*



All in good time...


Now to ride out this storm with my best friend on the hall and the entire first season of Criminal Minds...


...is it tomorrow yet?

And just like that...with a long walk and deep talk...all better...



*sigh of relief*


Goodness gracious I love this kid...

I am a walking heartbreak

I feel numb.



I didn't get the position and scholarship I wanted/needed desparately...



A close family friend is literally days, if not hours from dying...



And now that needling little doubt in the back of my mind that I thought was just my insecurities?


Nope...it's a real problem...whatever it is. Something is wrong with our relationship.



I want to talk to him about it and fix it. Out of the three things, it's the only one I CAN fix. But it's guys weekend...he's surrounded by all his buddies and I don't matter. At least that's how it feels right now...I'm not saying I have anything against guys weekend because I don't. I think it's a great idea and it's good for him to spend time with all his friends. But I don't like the person he becomes around his friends....



It seems like ever since we got back to school after being engaged, when he's around his friends, he's different. He treats me different.


I've really only noticed it in the past week or two...but hindsight is twenty-twenty so I'm remembering other little things too.



The reason I haven't said anything before is because he's been taking everything I say the wrong way lately. Ever since she and I became better friends. He blames her for how I "treat" him now. She has nothing to do with it. I just figured that since we were engaged now I could point out the little things I thought he might want to fix or at least examine his reactions without him jumping down my throat. I just want him to be the best man he can be in every possible way. Before I never said anything because it wasn't my place to change him. That was between him and God. It still is. But if we're going to share a life together, I want to help make him a better person. I can't do that if pointing out a flaw causes such a vicious reaction everytime. I'm not going to put myself through that everytime.


The reason I'm saying this now is 1) I'm hoping he won't read this because he'll be busy with the guys and 2) because I need to get it all out somewhere before I go to the hockey game tonight so I don't bring all this up and ruin the night for him.


I'll tell him that we need to talk once we get back to school...if he can make room in his schedule for some alone time with me.



That's another thing...I really just want to spend some alone time with him. Time without his roommates or our other friends. I just want to go on a walk with him and talk...like we used to do.



There are so many things we used to do together that I miss now. We used to watch movies wrapped up in each other's arms. Now, it seems like he never seems to be content to just hold me until it's time for me to leave and I don't want to stand there in the middle of the hallway or doorway. When we sit and watch tv or a movie, I just want to crawl into his lap and hold me again. We used to go for walks on the trails at the community center and we would just talk...about so many things. I miss that so much...when we tried to do that over the break, it just wasn't the same. We used to play MarioKart and SuperSmash together. He used to buy me flowers. Every morning, I would wake up to a "good morning" text message and every night, he would tell me goodnight and sweet dreams. Those things are becoming a rarity, something he only thinks about once in awhile.


What changed?



You wanna know why else I haven't said anything?




Because I'm terrified you'll think I'm just a nag and you'll leave me just like my dad left my mom.



I would never be able to survive that.




So I sit in silence, hoping you'll figure this out on your own. Now I'm realizing you won't and I"m trying to do something to change things. I'm even making a concious effort to change what you have pointed out as my flaws. But when I point out your flaws, you just snap.



I know hearing these thing can't be easy. It wasn't for me when you pointed out a couple of my flaws. But I knew you were just trying to help...even if I did get angry. I apologized though, for lashing out at you.


That is something you haven't done.



You know something else you haven't done?



It suddenly clicked with me today.



You've made me feel wanted...but not so much needed or truly loved.



I know you love me. I know that. But remember, dear...I have two love languages.



And while you're very good at appealing to one, the other has been seriously lacking...



And because that love language isn't being fulfilled, I feel as if I'm not significant anymore.



I have a gigantic green rock resting on my ring finger right now...so I know that's not true. But a rock, no matter how gorgeous or important, is cold...your arms around me, your smile, your laugh, your love are warm and filling.


I hate crying...I especially hate crying because of you...it makes me feel so awful...my stomach is twisting itself into all sorts of knots at the thought of telling you we need to talk. It's not going to be like when you surprised me with my bike...this is for real.



This is something serious...even if you don't realize it. I need to just sit down with you and talk about this.





I know this whole thing probably sounds like so negative and terrible. That's not how it is all the time. When we've gone on those bike rides this week, I wish we could've just stayed there, exploring those beautiful trails, just the two of us together. Going to the zoo over spring break was a blast...and taking that afternoon to just nap next to each other...I don't think I've slept that well since. When I met you after Ladies Night and we walked down the mall and we danced...I felt like I could have flown to the stars and back, I was so happy.


You make me happy, angel...you really do. And I love you so much I swear my heart could burst sometimes.


But there are also times where I just want to cry and scream and punch the wall because I feel so hurt and frustrated and you don't seem to care or understand.


I want to change that. I don't want that to be between us, especially seeing as we're supposed to get married next summer.



I want to fix our problems, whatever problems I feel I have with you and whatever problems you feel you have with me. I want to sit down, share those, hash it out, fix it.

I have been broken for so long...with all that I've been through in the past two years. I'm tired of being broken and I don't want to drag you down with me. I want to make things better.



I want to build on our relationship, making it bigger, better, stronger...just because we're getting married does not mean our relationship has stopped growing. If anything, that means it should be growing by leaps and bounds. We should be comfortable with each other, but the little things we did for each other shouldn't stop. I realize I've been lacking in these areas as well and I'm going to change. But I want you to see and to change too.



So please, if you've been reading this...don't get mad at me when I ask to talk to you and start pointing these things out. Don't interrupt me, let me get it all out. Listen to what I have to say, don't just hear me talking. I'm not going to do this to hurt you. I'm going to do this to help you, to help us.


It's all about us now, angel. We have to realize that. We're going to have life together. We can't be selfish or think only of ourselves anymore. We two are going to become one in a year. We have to get used to a different kind of thinking.



I'm going to stop talking now, okay? Please, try to understand what I've been trying to say. I'll talk to you about all of this when we get the chance. I need to go wash my face and make myself look presentable so that when Sky picks me up, I don't look like I've been crying for the past two hours.



No matter what, angel...please remember that I love you. I will always love you. God gave me you...and I plan on doing whatever is necessary to make I don't abuse that gift again.

 I blame this song right here for my mushy gushy mood lately...my student manager had it playing the other night at work. It stuck in my head so I came home and created a Pandora playlist from it...and now I've had country love songs of all kinds running through my head ever since...

I am definitely not complaining...

Just saying...*grins* 

Floating on air

"So baby, why don't we just dance down the hall, straight up the stairs, bouncing of the walls, floating on air, baby. So why don't we just dance?"



That man I danced with on the mall, the one who quoted that he would lasso the moon for me, the one who held me close and kissed me so sweetly my heart nearly broke...the man who prayed, thanking God for the woman He had given him when He gave him me...



That's the man I said yes to...



*happy sigh*



It's moments like this that I turn to when other memories threaten to overwhelm me...that is the man I lean on when the world is spinning too fast for me to handle...



That is the man I love with every beat of my heart. That is the man I am marrying in one year, two months, and twenty-six days...and I cannot wait!



Abba...You have blessed me so, so much...I never knew what I wanted in a man until You gave me Jacob... and now...I have a man who is more than I could ever dream of...he may not be perfect (nobody is) but he's just right for me. Thank you...so much. He's absolutely wonderful. You found the right guy for me, Abba, though I always knew You would. Thank you, Abba...thank you...

Memories...monsters with a bite

Last night was quite nice indeed.


Since he left before I could come back and say goodbye, I decided to stay with my new friend (hi Lindsay!) while she closed down Bell Center. Afterwards, we took a walk around campus, ending up in the rocking chairs on the front porch of the dorms. We just talked...a lot! Yes, we talked about him but we talked about me and about her too.

In the end, I think we talked about him most. But it wasn't in a way that he should ever be afraid or worried. We talk about him to each other because the both of us understand him...whether he thinks we do or not.


She sees that he has his flaws and she points them out, honestly not wanting to hurt him but because she wants to help be a better man. I see his flaws but I also see everything good and wonderful about him.


I see his passion, his faith, his loyalty, his intelligence, and his talent. I see his mushy, romantic side that he shows from time to time. I see his honesty and his sense of humor. I see how he cares, how he loves. I see him, plain and simple. I see everything about him, good and bad, and I still love him with all my heart.


My friend and I, we talk about all these things. I quite enjoy talking to her, honestly. I just wish it didn't cause him such strife. She and I understand each other. We've both been through the same thing with him...I think that's part of the reason why I like talking to her so much. I can talk to her about the "stupid time" and she doesn't withdraw the way he does. It's not something any of us want to remember, let alone relive, but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be something we talk about. If we don't talk about it, everything we feel about that time is just going to build up inside of us, and one day it will explode. That is a mess  none of us need to deal with. So why not get it all out now, especially seeing as he and I are getting married next year? I don't want any of this hanging over our heads once we're married.


You know the saying "Forgive and forget"? He's forgotten...but he hasn't forgiven.


I'm not even saying he needs to forgive her...that's not what I mean at all. He needs to forgive himself.


I've lost count of how many times he's apologized to me for abandoning me, letting me down, hurting me. I've forgiven him. I forgave him the first day I saw him again after all that time.




My facebook is changing over to timeline and I had the opportunity to go through everything and edit it today. Going back through and reading all my statuses and notes from those three months...each one felt like a knife in my gut again. It's not even just because I lost him anymore...but because there was so much hurt all around (as I am learning now).


You say you don't want me to be friends with her, that you don't like the reminder of what happened...but I like being friends with her and I don't see her as a reminder. I see her as someone who understands and empathizes.



All the memories are like little monsters with big bites...but they're easy to conquer...it just takes time...and forgiveness...

I have been adopted into a new family...and I am so excited!!

Omigosh!!! Tonight was an absolute blast!!

It was just...fantabulous *grins*



I feel like I have finally found a true friend here at college (not that my other friends here aren't true...but that they don't seem to really "get" me...wow, that sounded...really lame *facedesk*)...and ironically enough...it's her (hi, Lindsay!).


Now, Abba...you know I don't believe in coincidences...coincidences are just your way of staying anonymous...but...DANG!!!! You sure put a lot into this one!

My new friend just HAPPENS to be my fiance's ex...


Yeah...



About that...



That is the only thing that ever bothers me about this whole thing...not that she's his ex but that I can't share my excitement about that with him. Anytime I mention her, he shuts down (more so than usual). But this is something that I have wanted and now I've been blessed enough to have it happen and it really is a great thing...


Yet, he can't share in that happiness...



I'm not even sure why he's so upset anymore. He claims he's over everything that happened, that it doesn't matter to him. But he never talks about it. He brings it up or mentions it (usually when I bring up talking or hanging out with her) but he never talks about that time. She does. She does a lot, especially with me. Most people would probably think that's awkward but it's not, at least for me. I rather like it. I can talk to her about that time and she understands! Because she's been there! I can mention something about him and she nods in understanding because she knows what I'm talking about! I think it's because she talks about it so much that she's come to terms with what happened better and faster than he has. Maybe at first he thought he didn't care, but as time goes on, it seems to bother him more and more.


I wish he would talk about it with me...it would help me understand him just that much better (though i can already finish his sentences and answer his questions before he's asked them).



I'm worried that the friendship I have with her could put a rift between him and I if we don't address the problem now.


I want to be friends with her. I like being friends with her, talking with her, hanging out with her, talking "short" walks with her. But I love him and would never want to do anything that hurt him, especially if I knew it was going to hurt him.


I don't think being friends with her is going to hurt him. But I don't know what he thinks.



This is one thing about him that I don't know...



Ach...mindless blathering...I really need to talk to him...IF I COULD SEE HIM!!!! stupid schedule...ugh...



On a happier note: I have been adopted into a new friend family! *happy dance*


After watching Harry Potter and the Philospher's Stone with some new friends, I have been officially adopted into the family.


HOORAY!!!!


FINALLY!!!! Someone to geek out over all the little Potterhead facts and fantasies and such....someone who understands my English writing nerdiness...so wonderful!! I look forward to new adventures with my new family *grins*


Okay...I have blabbered on long enough...it's almost 1 o'clock and I have a paper to finish and a 9 o'clock class looming ahead...but then choir with my friend from work visiting and Psych night to look forward to after work...


Off to bed! *makes swooshing noises*

Raindrops keep falling on my head

I love rainy days and all that they entail...after a few days of rain, I just feel sleepy. My initial excitement of puddle jumping and running barefoot through the wet grass ceases and all I wish to do is curl up by the window with a good book and a playlist of Jack Johnson, Josh Wilson, or even some Celtic Thunder.



Currently I have my Celtic Thunder playlist...but I have a paper to write due tomorrow that I meant to write last night but I got distracted (and I am not complaining!) and I need to get it written now so I can enjoy movie night tonight.


I hate these kinds of papers..."analyze your adolescence and discuss your reactions to important events at that time."


Let's see...my adolescence started out normal...then I was diagnosed with ovarian cysts, dated someone who cheated on me 3 times in our 4 month relationship and then he later on called me an "unfeeling bitch" because I wouldn't give him another chance, junior year I was diagnosed with chronic migraines in Novemeber only to have my dad diagnosed with a brain tumor in January, started dating my fiance, my dad's affair was found out and my parents got divorced, my relationship ended, then it got back together, and my mother used me as an emotional crutch so that she could curl up in a ball and cry every day and starve herself while I took care of the kids and when I wanted to get away from it all, I had to go to college an hour away...and it's still not far enough...


yeah....



Because I really want to talk about all that in a 3 page paper to my least favorite professor...


Totally...


That gives me so much motivation to write this paper...



NOT!



Breathe, Chrissi...just breathe...listen to the beautiful Celtic music and relax...it's all going to be okay...



Until I remember that the whole reason I love Celtic music so much is because of watching Riverdance with my Poppie and Tante like a billion times as a child...


*sigh*


I hope he's hanging in there okay...second treatment today...


Abba...please...


No, Chrissi...stop thinking about it or you won't even go to class...you must go to class...you can do this...



Ach...

I feel like I have entered an alternate reality

It must be "Become Best Friends With All Your Fiance's Exes" week...



Rooming next year with one ex, becoming very good friends with another ex (the most recent one, in fact...by the way, I need to check and see if we are actually watching Harry Potter 1 tomorrow night...I'm excited), and now I have met and am being Facebooked by another...



Weird...


I don't mind...I honestly don't. This is just...weird...


There's no other word for it.


Nor am I complaining...



It's just...weird!


I thought guys didn't like it when their current significant other became friends with any ex...? Well, there is one of those girls I mentioned he's not too happy about but...ya know what? Oh well! She and I get along exceptionally well and I like that. *grins* The other two, however, are ones that he has introduced me to and the latest one is one he seems to want me to befriend pretty badly...maybe it's more of a "he approves of my friendship with her but not my friendship with his newest ex" sort of thing.


Oh well...that sucks...for him *grins devilishly*


Now, babe...I know you're going to read this eventually so don't take anything I say too seriously. But honestly, I am quite enjoying my new friendship with your last ex even if you aren't. I will be friends with her no matter what you say. But this other friendship that you seem to be pushing...please don't. The circumstances are awkward enough with how we met anyway...you're not really helping. For some reason, I seem to be really struggling with trying to be friends with this one. Not because I don't like her...but because of my insecurities. So be patient and let the two of us become friends at our own pace.


Like now...we're currently having a lyric war on Facebook...though you're to blame for that...*gives look*


Anyway...this whole post was just something I realized...and it strikes me as really...weird...


*shrugs* oh well...


There's nothing really wrong with weird.

Time is running out...and I can't find the words to say goodbye

Met you for coffee today. It's been far too long since we last sat and talked like we used to. We used to do that a lot actually. You were the first person I ever had deep, theological discussions with. You've been one of the rocks in the foundation of my faith, leading me, guiding me, helping me throughout my entire life. You've been there since the very beginning.

Sure, relation-wise you're my grandfather...but family dynamic-wise? No...you've been my father.


Mom, Erika and I figured this out a couple summers ago. I'm not the oldest grandchild, I am the youngest sister. I'm the baby. You have raised me as your own child.


I think...no, I know...that's why you've always been so hard on me. You've been treating me the way you treated my mom and Erika when they were growing up. You even refer to my grandma as my mother and my mother and aunt as my sisters.


I used to get mad when you'd get on me about school work or some behavioral issue when I was growing up. Ask Mom, I'd complain to her all the time. But now I realize it was because you held me up to a different standard then you ever did for my little siblings. Because, to you, I am your daughter. If we ever brought this up to you, you would probably argue, saying that you know I'm your granddaughter and that's how you treat me but...that is an argument you would lose (which would be new for you *wink* you are so "right" all the time...my finace's like that too...you really do have a lot in common...oh dear...). Grandma, Mom, and Tante would all agree with me...and four against one doesn't look like very good odds...even if you are the great Bob Fay. No matter what you come up against, you always seem to win, don't you?

You've been battling leukemia for how long? How many times have you been through chemo? Yet you've still been playing golf, walking all 18 holes while carrying your own bag...you've been fishing for however long...at one point you were training to run marathons...after retiring at age 50, you created your own janitorial service so that I would have a job and you could teach me all I need to know...you turn 62 in June...


But you've finally come up against something you can't win, haven't you?


Those tumors...spouting mucus into your 'gut sac', as you called it...tiny cysts all over your abdomen...stage 4 cancer...


The doctors always said it wouldn't be the leukemia that killed you...


Instead, you have to wait...wait for these snot tumors to pour enough mucus in your system before your intestines will collapse and create a bowel obstruction...causing you great pain...while the mucus continues screwing everything inside up until...until you're gone...


Your doctor here gave you two choices: surgery or chemo. When you went to Houston to see MD Anderson, they told you the cancer had progressed too far for surgery to be effective. They also said that the chemo was dangerous...without it, you have less than a year. But with it, you could have two to three years...or it could kill you now.


You chose the chemo.


So far, so good.


The doctors are doing this as you feel you can handle it. When it becomes too much for you, they'll stop giving you the treatments.


I saw the tears in your eyes when you said you didn't know if you'd be around to see me walk down the aisle next summer...it took all the strength I had left to not start bawling outside of Starbucks right then and there. You promised you were going to try your hardest to be there; you said you didn't want to rain on my parade and ruin my special day.


I don't give a flying flip if you're there on my wedding day. I just want you to be here. Period. I've already pretty much lost my father because he's a jackass and he abandoned us (though he is making progress...he's trying to stay in contact better...but still). I just lost a major father-figure in my life in a motorcycle accident less than two months ago.


And now I have to figure out how to say goodbye to you...


At least you gave me a warning...I know it's coming...I just don't know how soon...


Oh, Abba...


On the way home from Starbucks, I had KLOVE blaring from my speakers as I sped down the highway with my windows down and tears streaming down my face...all those tears I held back at the coffee shop.


"Love Has Come" by Mark Schultz came on...I remembered hearing it before but it was the second verse that caught my attention:

For anybody who has ever lost a loved one
And you feel like you had to let go too soon
I know it hurts to say goodbye
But don't you know it's just a matter of time 'til the tears are gonna end
You'll see him once again and in that moment

Every knee shall bow, every tongue confess
That God is love and love has come for us all
Every heart set free, everyone will see
That God is love and love has come for us all

Now, I don't believe in coincidences. Coincidences are God's way of staying anonymous. And those words did give me some comfort...but I'm not ready say goodbye...not yet...not again.


I guess that's why, when the topic of kids' names came up the other day, I mentioned wanting my son to have the middle name of Robert. It was good enough for my great grandpa...who served in the Navy, was a semi-pro wrestler, and one of the sweetest men I have ever met in my life. It was good enough for my grandpa, my Poppie...who, while he's gruff and stern, is one of the greatest men I have ever known. He has been through so much yet his faith has never wavered. He's never given up on anything. He's diligent, respectful, honest, straightforward, brave, and brilliant...with a bit of orneriness thrown in there. He has high expectations but that doesn't mean he's not loving in his own fashion. I would be proud to have a son bear his name. I would tell him where he got the name, too. I would tell him all about his great grand-daddy that he'll never get to meet.


Oh, God...I hadn't thought about that yet...


Abba, why?


Why now? Why not years ago...or years in the future? WHY NOW????



Why are you taking everyone away from me?


Have I not lost enough?


I know you have this all planned out but God, I can't understand it at all. I still don't understand why you let my dad do what he did. So how am I supposed to understand this??


Abba...help me...



I can't say goodbye again...my heart can't take it.

Sometimes the things you say scare me...even though they shouldn't...I have other things, bigger things to worry about

You know how people always say that girls grow up to marry men exactly like their fathers? I swore to myself I would never do that...not after what he did to my mother.


Now here I am...set to get married next summer...and...I'm not saying you're going to do what my dad did but...ach! YOU ARE SO LIKE HIM SOMETIMES!


All those random times you catch me starting to cry...and I brush it off? It's not because you've upset me or done something to hurt me...it's that you've done or said something exactly like my father would have...and it just...sorta shocks me into a memory of some sort. Even more terrifying is when you channel my grandfather...the other man that I swore I would never marry the same type.


I guess I am just like every other girl out there...marrying a man like the two father figures in my life...

Ach...


My mother says this whole thing is just me finally freaking out about divorce...she says I'm finally letting my fear show through. Well, too bad! I don't want to fear anything, let alone be afraid of gettign married to the love of my life! That's just...STUPID! Bleck...stupid suppressed feelings.


I don't think I'm afraid of getting married...or even the chance of divorce (though that's not going to happen). I'm just afraid of being hurt...again...


So much has been going on...first dad's tumor, then dad leaving, then the break up (or "stupid time" as he calls it), then all the stress of college (needing money, not having it, working two jobs to get it, still not having enough) including classes and work, losing Ken, losing Todd, and now my grandpa, my Poppie...he's so sick...much sicker than I first realized. I'm not blind...I see it, no matter how good of an actor he is. If it was just the cancer, I could handle that...I think. But no, this is the tumors caused by something else...he's doing chemo...but...I have two years...two years, tops, to say goodbye...


I am so tired of saying goodbye...


Damn it...I hate crying...



Today was supposed to be a good day...we got the church reserved, he's almost a shoo-in for the apprenticeship he wanted,  I got to visit Todd, and Psych was on tonight (guest starring Wayne Brady)...yet now...all I really want to do is sit here and cry until I fall asleep...instead what I'm doing is writing this, watching The Proposal, and trying not to fall apart...

...and failing...

yellow Gerber daisies and missing you

I visited you today. We were out that way and I wanted to stop by and say hi. I stopped at Dillion's to get you some flowers first. There was the bouquet of bright yellow Gerber daisies that just screamed 'Todd'.


Finding your grave was a little difficult...your headstone isn't up yet but the cemetary was nice enough to put out a plague with your name on it. The dirt they covered you with hasn't sunk all the way back down yet so that helped too. I put the daisies in the vase attached to the plague...wiped the leaves off the plague so your name could be read easier. The sun was high in the sky and beating down. I really just wanted to stretch out on the grass next to you like we used to do in the summers when you, me, and Danielle used to watch the clouds and look for shapes hidden among them. All those memories came rushing back...



Along with the realization that not only will you be missing out on important times left in my life but so will he...


One to two years...



Oh, Abba...



How are we going to handle that?



*sobs*



I don't want to have to...I don't want to...



Haven't I lost enough people already???

Physical beauty has never been a priority in my life...but wow...

Due to the gorgeous weather outside, I decided to change into shorts after choir. Digging around in my bottom drawer, I unearthed the few pairs I still had up here. Much to my surprise, as soon as I fastened the button and zipped the zipper, the shorts promptly proceeded to fall off!!


Honest!!

They slid right back down my legs...to keep them up, I had to pull my belt as tight as it would go. It is fastened in the last hole...


I just bought these shorts at the beginning of last summer...


Here it is, not even a year later...and they are two sizes too big!!!


What?!?!?!



I weighed myself the other day, due to the curiousity of someone who has pointed out they've noticed the change in my physical shape.


25 pounds....


I am 25 pounds lighter than when I started college...


It's not like I've gone on some health craze, only eating fruits and veggies and exercising every day. I don't even eat regular meals like you're supposed to! But I have cut down dramatically on the sugars I used to gorge myself on (with the exception of pop...can't live without my Dr. Pepper and Vanilla Coke) and I do eat better balanced meals. Until this semester the only exercise I got was walking or biking across campus...now I work out three days a week (or at least I try to).


Is that really such a radical change from my old habits?


I don't think so...



But I am not complaining about the results...*grins devilishly*

Words of Wisdom

"Writing is the socially acceptable form of schizophrenia."




Oh, you have no idea...

This is my rebel yell

So today in my LifeSpan Development class, we had a presentation. Four boys, two baseball players and two basketball players, gave a presentation on family diversity. Eventually the topic turned to divorce, something I still have a hard time talking about...


It's like a knife stuck deep in my heart...any mention of the subject just twists it a little more...someday I know the knife will be gone and I will be healed...but not yet...no, not yet...


The topic of divorce ended up quite heated, due to several students from broken homes getting riled up when the presenters started saying their facts were hard facts, nothing to be done about them.


Umm, wrong.



Just because there are a lot of people who, after seeing their parents lose their love for each other, immediately go out and seek a relationship, vowing to love and cherish that person forever then end up divorcing and continuing the cycle their parents started...well, that does not mean we're all like that.


It was pointed out that my parents got divorced a year ago and here I am, engaged and planning my own wedding for next year. Since I'm "following a statistic" by getting married so young, it's only "logical" that my marriage to the man I've known most of my life, who I have loved, still love, and will always love...it is only "logical" that we will get divorced less than 5 years after we are wed.


I don't think so, buddy boy.


I will not repeat my parents' mistakes. I've done a good enough job so far...haven't had sex, haven't gotten pregnant twice out of wedlock, I've made to college and I will graduate.


I will not marry, only to divorce in a few years. What I have with my fiance is real...I wouldn't have agreed to marry him if I didn't want to spend the rest of my life loving him, living with him, going through all life's ups and downs with him.


Just because statistics and trends predict early marriages will end in divorce does not mean they will.

I will not let statistics and trends tell me how my marriage will end. That is a covenant between me, him, and our God.


So you boys who tried to tell me and the others in my class that we have no control over our married lives, that because of our parents' mistakes our love life will end in pain and divorce, you can just take your statistics and shove them where the sun don't shine.


You don't know what you're talking about

Bzz bzz...I am a busy bee...

Wow...that title idea...plain evidence that my brain is fried and I really should go to bed...


Started off my morning with recovering from yesterday...woke up sweating and shaky and couldn't figure out why...my stomach soon reminded me that I hadn't eaten any solid food but for a few bites of a Nutri Grain bar in the past twenty-four hours...fixed that situation

Got started on my research for my five page paper...by 3 o'clock had the entire paper done...

Ran to Taco Bell for lupper for me, my roommate, and our friend from down the hall...


Choked down the food while I got started on my second paper of the day...got distracted by my RA and some of my friends asking me to watch Baby Mama with them. Put aside paper...


Watch Baby Mama, She's All That, and Never Been Kissed with those girls....gorged ourselves on Papa John's...I think I've had enough greasy fast food to last me quite awhile...my poor ulcer...ugh...Hooray for Tums and a tall glass of milk...but the food tasted so good!

After movie time with the girls, I finished up my second paper and watched The House Bunny with my roomie and our friend from down the hall. Now they've gone to bed and I'm still up, watching episodes of Criminal Minds...


I've never seen these before...Shemar Moore's character is so much deeper than I thought...wow...unbelievable...yet it explains so much!


Have I mentioned I love this show? Absolutely fascinating...then again, I am one of the weirdos who find the psychology of serial killers absolutely fascinating...fascinating enough to do a research paper over them for my senior English class...though I probably scarred my sweet teacher for life...but the information was just so...enthralling! The serial killer's brain is just...wow...so much going on...so many reasons why...so many stories...insane...


And now Psych...


Watching Dule Hill for the second time today...completely didn't realize he was in She's All That... wow...


*gurgle gurgle*

Shh, tummy...I already took care of you today...quit being so persnickity...


Holy crow! It's almost one in the morning?


What?!?!?


I know I got a lot done today but...where did the time go?


Meine Gute...


At least both of my papers are done...now all I have to do tomorrow is meet with my group to put together our presentation powerpoint...and then go to the play...then Mock Rock...but those will be fun *grins* I'm excited...



Then begins the week of hell...something major going on every day...


Though Tuesday is my birthday...yay!


Technically, I'm not going to be celebrating it...I mean, I have classes all day and work that night...won't really get to see him or any of my friends outside of class...though I will get Chik fil A for lunch...yummy...

Let's see...


Monday - night classes and choral union

Tuesday - my birthday, Old Testament paper due, study for Lifespan exam

Wednesday - Lifespan exam, study for Old Testament exam, meet for staging

Thursday - Old Testament exam, study for Brit Lit exam

Friday - Brit Lit exam, GO HOME!!!!!!!

Saturday - BREATHE!!!!!!!



Okay...okay...I can do this...just a few more days and then everything will be alright...I can do this...I can get through this...


Abba, help me get through this...please...

One of my favorite poems ever...

The Sugarplum Tree

Have you ever heard of the Sugarplum Tree?
'T is a marvel of great renown!
It blooms on the shore of the Lollipop Sea
In the garden of Shuteye Town;
The fruit that it bears is so wondrously sweet
(As those who have tasted it say)
That good little children have only to eat
Of that fruit to be happy next day.

When you've got to the tree, you would have a hard time
To capture the fruit which I sing;
The tree is so tall that no person could climb
To the boughs where the sugarplums swing!
But up in that tree sits a chocolate cat,
And a gingerbread dog prowls below ---
And this is the way you contrive to get at
Those sugarplums tempting you so:

You say but the word to that gingerbread dog
And he barks with such terrible zest
That the chocolate cat is at once all agog,
As her swelling proportions attest.
And the chocolate cat goes cavorting around
From this leafy limb unto that,
And the sugarplums tumble, of course, to the ground ---
Hurrah for that chocolate cat!

There are marshmallows, gumdrops, and peppermint canes
With stripings of scarlet or gold,
And you carry away of the treasure that rains
As much as your apron can hold!
So come, little child, cuddle closer to me
In your dainty white nightcap and gown,
And I'll rock you away to that Sugarplum Tree
In the garden of Shuteye Town.

- Eugene Field



Someday I hope to be able to read this poem to my children as I tuck them in at night...my grandma did the same for me...I will always remember those nights when she would hold me in her lap as she sat in her rocking chair and read me the greatest stories or sang me sweet lullabies...I want to pass that on to my children...

I feel older than my years...and I don't mean that because it's almost my birthday

My mom popped up a chat with me on Facebook. I was excited because I haven't talked to her in awhile and while we do have more than our share of issues, I do miss her. But after this conversation...?

"I'd appreciate more than you know if you could babysit that night for me!"
"I think I can...why?"
"Because I have a date"
*facepalm*
"Actually I have a fourth date"
"With who?"
"Someone I know from high school"
*Facebook stalks* *shudders because he looks like my grandpa*
"He's being very gentlemanly. Hasn't tried to touch me at all! We're taking things very slow."
"That's what you said about the other three guys you've had relationships with..."
"But this time is different"

Glad it's different just because you have decided not to have sex...maybe this relationship will last longer than a couple months...or maybe there will be less ex drama involved...


Ugh...


This is one of those times which I feel like I was born in the wrong era. I am all for the kind of relationship where the guy asks permission to hold your hand or to kiss you, where he gives you flowers just because, where you sit on the porch swing (or couch if necessary) just talking and getting to know each other...where you give each other time to have true feelings for each other, deep feelings that last.

Not this new kind of relationship where after a week, you must be meant to be together and that makes it okay to have sex. After a month, you're left broken and feeling used and you "can't believe I wasted all that time with him".


Thank you, Abba...for giving me a relationship like the first option...even if others think otherwise (you're wrong!!)

It's really disturbing to hear about your mother's sexual activity. I'm one of those kids who believes her parents had sex three times...and that's how me, my brother and my sister got here. That's it.

Yet here she is, searching for the need and love that she once had when she was married to my father, finding it in all the wrong places...acting like a dude who thinks with his...well...not his brain.

I shouldn't be surprised seeing as she told me that if I wanted to become sexually active before I got married then to let her know so I could get started on the pill or she could get me some condoms. Yes, she did add that she didn't want me to have sex but that she couldn't tell me know. So instead, with each new boyfriend in high school, I got the same talk...*shivers* that would be a HELL NO! Waiting until I'm married, thank you very much.


She says she's looking for someone to make her happy again and that she wants someone to make happy again.


After being up here at school and going through everything I have in the past couple years, I have realized something.

You don't need to be happy.


No matter what people say, it's not necessary. Yes, it's nice...quite wonderful actually. I love being happy.

But you don't need to be happy.

Trying to make sure you're always happy in life can actually cause you to be very unhappy.

I have learned that instead of needing to be happy, you need to be content. Being content does not always mean you're happy. It means you take what you have and make the most of it. Once you have mastered the art of being content (which I'm getting really very good at), I think you will be truly happy. If you take what you are given and make the most of it instead of worrying, complaining, arguing, despairing or anything of the life, then you can be happy.

Being content can lead to being happy.


So, be content with the job you have, the family you have, the friends you have...the life you have...instead of going out and causing yourself unhappiness and regret and anger and depression and all that just to be "happy"


Doesn't seem very happy to me...

Mushy gushiness

"That means it goes on forever.

Not five-ever, because that's dumb

But forever, because that's how long and how much I'll love you.

Got it?"


*happy sigh*



You know there are days where I worry...worry because we spend so little time together and rarely see each other and maybe the whole "out of sight, out of mind" might come back...which I know is pointless...hello, we're engaged! But my stupid insecurities...they have loud voices...

But, most likely unconciously, you always stop those insecurities right in their tracks with some sweet thing...like the message at the beginning...

Mhm...I love you...

Curses...

Abba, you're just showing off today, aren't you?

It's so gorgeous outside...the sky is so blue, the grass is becoming green again, the breeze is warm on my skin...


If only I weren't confined to my room, a slave to my heating pad...ach...I hate being a woman...


Curses...



Curses upon curses...


I WANT TO BE OUTSIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!


Bike riding, strolling...oh my goodness today would be the perfect day to go to the zoo...oooooooo...*sigh* i'll save that for a nice Saturday later on...get a group of people together and explore the awesomeness that is the Kansas City Zoo...*grins*


But for now....confinement inside...blargh...


I just hope today doesn't become a repeat of last month though...I especially don't want to miss another day of work since I'm already missing next Friday...ugh...stupid uterus...

Well, well, well...

That was unexpected *grins*



I would never have thought that she and I would have bonded with a two hour conversation about him...yeah there were times it was awkward and times i was sort of left speechless...but that was...awesome!

It still blows my mind how much she and I have in common...so strange...

I can't speak for her but our talk really helped me...insecurites from that time have been resurfacing plus I never really got the whole story anyway (it's not something he likes to talk about...he's not proud of it and wishes it hadn't happened) so hearing her side of what happened and how she feels...it helped me a lot. Part of that is just the way God made me...I love stories...especially true ones that I can relate to. But overall, that was probably my favorite part of the weekend.


I do feel bad for him though...his ex and his fiance becoming good friends and talking about him? Poor boy...ahh well, suck it up. I'm not going back now.


Speaking of going back, I need to talk to her about going to Brahm's or Jason's Deli some time...add it to my to do list.


After hearing her side of the story and knowing his, I really feel the two of them need to sit down and talk. She can say everything she has wanted to scream at him or anything she wants to say and he will listen. Then he can say whatever he has to say and she will listen. I'll even ref if needed. Actually I'd probably need to be there...to hold his hand to give him strength (I honestly think he's a little scared of her) and to make sure they each get a chance to say what they need to say without the other interrupting (that'd be more to keep him quiet while she talks than the other way around, I think). I think that would be good for the both of them...allowing both to forgive each other for any hurt the other might have caused (again, more for him to apologize...I'm not sounding biased at all, am I?). I think that would help a lot in the healing process for both. I know she says she's over it and he obviously just wants to forget it happened...but I think both of them are still being effected by that situation way more than they need to be...take that back...I know they are.


And now that I've gotten to truly know her and can call her my friend...I don't want to see her hurting over this anymore...even if it's telling the whole campus to stop talking to her about him if need be. She doesn't deserve to hurt for that anymore. She's refered to herself as a butterfly who people (him included) have tried to pin on a wall...well, it's time she is unpinned and set free.


Hmm...you know...for her having been spoiled for me...I really like her. I admire her. She is not afraid to be herself. I know she calls herself an introvert but once you get her talking, it's quite delightful. I felt like I won a prize when she started opening up to me. Wonderful. She has so many interesting things to say.


I like where this friendship is going...

86 miles

....86 miles....


86 miles from my best friend who is hurting and texted me today saying that he missed being able to drive down to my house just to get a hug from me because then he felt like he could take on the world

86 miles from my best friend, one of the few people that I can tell anything to, who knows me better than almost anyone, who I miss every day I'm at school

86 miles...distance-wise, it's not that far...only about 90 minutes of driving time...but it's so far when all you want is to hold your best friend while he cries on your shoulder because his world is slowly falling apart and there's nothing you can do except give him the comfort he yearns for...especially when you're the only true friend he has left because everyone else has become so wrapped up in their own drama that they fail to see him crumbling before their eyes. I knew it was coming; I could read it in his messages, hear it in his voice...I knew it...yet there's not a damn thing I can do about it...I can't even be there to let him cry on my shoulder...

I used to pride myself on being a good friend. It didn't matter what you got yourself into, I was always there with you, laughing, crying, whatever the occasion called for...I was there for you. Now that I've gone off to college and tried to start over, I feel like I've become selfish...all I care about is that I'm happy. No, that's not entirely true. I do care about everyone the same still...it's just...I feel like I haven't...done anything about it. I feel like I've walked away from everything that was once so important to me.


I'm ashamed that it took a death, a suicide attempt, a melt down, and a text message that made my heart hurt to get my attention...


Abba...who have I become? Being the best friend who was always there was so much a part of my identity...now who am I? Am I really a selfish jerk who turns her back on her friends? No, even on my worst days, I am never that. Lost? Yes. Confused? Most definitely. Trying each day to change the things I don't like? Always. 

Abba, help me...I'm lost...help me find my way...

It's that special day...

Is it just me or are people making a bigger deal out of Valentine's Day this year than normal?

I mean, geez...everywhere you turn there's red roses and balloons and candy and PDAs...and wow...


I'm engaged and haven't made that big of a deal with about it...I don't even get to see him today because of our schedules...plus we're both broke so we couldn't really do anything special anyway...sure, I want to spend time with him or at least do something special for him but I can't...


On a side note, I just realized that in the entire two years we've been together...we've never celebrated Valentine's day together as a couple...this would be a third (it just happens that way because of when we started dating...) but still...wow...on the other hand, when we dated for the very first time, he went all out for Valentine's day...he gave me chocolate, a dozen red roses, and a necklace...which I still wear to this day...that makes it...four years old today....wow....


Where has the time gone? It still seems crazy to me that this man that I will be marrying in 16 months is the same boy I've known since second grade...the same boy who became one of my best friends in junior high then my second boyfriend...and then after that try failed, we sorta separated ways but grew close again thanks to choir and after much prodding on both sides from the man Upstairs, we gave it another go...and after all that time, we're still here together...and I can't see myself loving anybody else...he is the love of my life...and he always will be...

Big girls do cry

Those people who say crying is worthless, stupid, useless...they really have missed out on what a good cry can give you...

I hate crying but even I know that it's good for me sometimes.

My grandma tells me that crying is a way to cleanse the darkness in your soul. Many wise words have come from my grandmother and she always knows just what to say. I love her so much.


Today was one of those days where I apparently just needed a good cry...


If I'm honest with myself, the need to cry had just been building since Saturday night when I just felt frustrated...add to that the heartwrenching phone call I got this afternoon and the frustration of the most annoying writer's block...and you have a recipe for a bawlfest...


Thank God for my fiance...I hate crying in front of him but...it always helps when he holds me...he always tells me to just let it out...but when he holds me, everything just seems to melt away in the warmth of his embrace...when he holds me, I forget why I was crying in the first place...

Though today was one of the rare occassions when him holding me sort of egged on the tears...ahh well...I needed that...and I did feel better after...


And now I really should be going to bed but I'm not really that tired...I suddenly have this urge to just stay up and write...though honestly I have no inspiration or story to tell currently...I barely got through writing my next article for M Magazine tonight. I could just hit the keys at random...


aksdkoiwuo djghjhgjh ioeuri ueihtui gjhkdh fmcgyivuiu uweikfjkdgi uviiowuof oiujionjg wuer hfuehgjgghug



I feel better... *giggles*


I really should go to bed...or at least get off my computer...I suppose I will...my book is calling my name anyway...


Goodnight, world...I'll see you bright and early...in about...seven hours...

A bone deep sorrow...

I honestly don't know what to say...


I've been sitting here, staring at this screen, willing myself to start pouring everything out on paper...all the pain, the fear, the hurt, the insecurities, the anguish...everything that has just accumulated inside me since the last time I wrote...


But I just...can't...



Usually writing is such a release for me...but now, I can't even find the words to describe what's going on inside my head...


I can cry though...been crying for the past 20 minutes or so...



It all started with this song...made me miss you, Todd...

When I was home this weekend, someone told me that I would always feel your loss. "You'll never get over it; you'll only learn to live with it." I know now that is true...in so many different ways...


Things hadn't been very good between us the last time I saw you and I regret it more than I could ever say. You've been like a father to me for as long as I can remember. When I needed encouragment or comfort or guidance, you were always there, willing to help. You were a role model when it came to living a life after God's own heart. Even when I found out your dark past, I was still amazed at the faith you had every day to continue, to live, to try again. Losing you was like losing my actual dad...who I have lost in a way as well, seeing as he has almost no part in my life whatsoever. I can still see your face when you found about him leaving. You gave me a bonecrushing hug and promised I was welcome in your home whenever I needed an escape. Up until about 6 months ago, I always did feel welcome. I'm not even sure what changed but something did...and that something grew into a rift that separated us until February 2, when you were taken to a place I cannot go yet. You were the reason I wanted a motorcycle in the first place. Now, you're the reason I will never ride on one again. Anytime I hear "Cheeseburger in Paradise" or "Breakfast", I'll think of you and the good times we had...whenever I hear "How Great Thou Art", I'll cry because that was the first song we sang as we told you goodbye. I plan on visiting your grave when I'm home for spring break. I hope you're enjoying your rest now. You truly have earned it. I just wish you hadn't been called home so soon. I'm gong to be missing you so much for a long time....

Just when something's fixed, something else breaks...

Just when I finally get used to my new schedule and everything else up here...


My stomach starts acting up...


Every night for almost the past week, right before I go to bed, my stomach starts rolling...not like I'm going to puke, not like I'm hungry...just all bubbly and blecky...not exactly a pain but uncomfortable enough to keep me awake for at least an hour after I try to go to bed...


What is wrong with me??


Bleck...


I hardly ever get sick...in any way...with the exclusions of my cysts and migraines...so this whole stomach thing is really worrying me...


I don't like it...



Just had to get that out on paper...was tired of mulling it over and over in my head... *sigh*


Watching Smurfs with my wondeful roommate (she's taking good care of me, making sure i drink lots of water and have Tums) then going to try to sleep...

He's gonna catch 'em all cuz he's Danny Phantom!

I'm totally loving watching all the episodes of Danny Phantom...


Day made!


P.S. I forgot how much I love the theme song...it's been on replay in my head since Tuesday...

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

I've only been back a couple days and I'm already sick of this new schedule...

My days consist of class after class broken up by hour-long breaks...long enough to eat or catch up on reading but not really long enough to take a much needed nap or get a much needed hug. After classes, I head to work til 8 o'clock, with the exception of Mondays, when I have a night class and choral union instead. By the time I get back to my dorm, all I want to do is curl up in his arms and fall asleep...unfortunately, that's not an option. Not just because of the rules around here but because he has practice and when he's done with that, he goes to bed because he gets up so early for work. *sigh*

It's like we're living at completely different times...and honestly, it's frustrating the hell outta me...if this is how the rest of the semester is going to be...*shakes head*...


I'm really worried about him anyway...a couple Sundays ago, he seemed like he really need to hear God say something...then he had some BIG questions a few nights ago...and now, he's asked me to be praying for him...he doesn't do that unless something is really wrong...but I don't know what it is! I really just want to take him somewhere so we can talk...I want to help him, to support him, to be there by his side as he walks the path the Lord has set before him...even if he can't see where the path leads. Part of the reason why I so look forward to being his wife...I'll get to do all that...mhm...I can't wait...anyway...I'm really, really worried about him...

I can't ever seem to tell him that though because I never see him...and he's not very good about answering his phone...or text messages...which can be rather frustrating when I'm trying to have a conversation with him.


I was so excited to get to see him tonight...I didn't even care that I'd have to share him because he wanted to get a Tripoley group together. I was even more excited after my day at work because of everything that happened there. I just wanted to share it with him. But he got out of play practice late and then went straight back to his place...all I ended up getting was a "goodnight" and "pray for me" sort of text...talk about mood killer...for one, I miss him like crazy and for two, now I'm concerned about him. But no...he's probably sound asleep by now and if I do see him tomorrow, it'll be during chapel...yay...


*sigh*


Abba, please...give me patience and strength to deal with whatever comes my way. And please, be with him. Give him the knowledge he's looking for and peace to deal with what he can't. Wrap him in your loving arms and shine your light upon him. Keep him safe. And help me to support and help him in any way possible and help me to show him how much he means to me. Help me be the woman he deserves. And please, Abba, be with us as we journey forth into the uncharted (for us) territory of engagement and eventually, marriage. Guide us, lead us, watch over us, and love us as we journey along. Thank you, Abba, for everything you've done for me, for him, for the both of us. You are truly amazing. Amen