Well, well, well...

That was unexpected *grins*



I would never have thought that she and I would have bonded with a two hour conversation about him...yeah there were times it was awkward and times i was sort of left speechless...but that was...awesome!

It still blows my mind how much she and I have in common...so strange...

I can't speak for her but our talk really helped me...insecurites from that time have been resurfacing plus I never really got the whole story anyway (it's not something he likes to talk about...he's not proud of it and wishes it hadn't happened) so hearing her side of what happened and how she feels...it helped me a lot. Part of that is just the way God made me...I love stories...especially true ones that I can relate to. But overall, that was probably my favorite part of the weekend.


I do feel bad for him though...his ex and his fiance becoming good friends and talking about him? Poor boy...ahh well, suck it up. I'm not going back now.


Speaking of going back, I need to talk to her about going to Brahm's or Jason's Deli some time...add it to my to do list.


After hearing her side of the story and knowing his, I really feel the two of them need to sit down and talk. She can say everything she has wanted to scream at him or anything she wants to say and he will listen. Then he can say whatever he has to say and she will listen. I'll even ref if needed. Actually I'd probably need to be there...to hold his hand to give him strength (I honestly think he's a little scared of her) and to make sure they each get a chance to say what they need to say without the other interrupting (that'd be more to keep him quiet while she talks than the other way around, I think). I think that would be good for the both of them...allowing both to forgive each other for any hurt the other might have caused (again, more for him to apologize...I'm not sounding biased at all, am I?). I think that would help a lot in the healing process for both. I know she says she's over it and he obviously just wants to forget it happened...but I think both of them are still being effected by that situation way more than they need to be...take that back...I know they are.


And now that I've gotten to truly know her and can call her my friend...I don't want to see her hurting over this anymore...even if it's telling the whole campus to stop talking to her about him if need be. She doesn't deserve to hurt for that anymore. She's refered to herself as a butterfly who people (him included) have tried to pin on a wall...well, it's time she is unpinned and set free.


Hmm...you know...for her having been spoiled for me...I really like her. I admire her. She is not afraid to be herself. I know she calls herself an introvert but once you get her talking, it's quite delightful. I felt like I won a prize when she started opening up to me. Wonderful. She has so many interesting things to say.


I like where this friendship is going...

86 miles

....86 miles....


86 miles from my best friend who is hurting and texted me today saying that he missed being able to drive down to my house just to get a hug from me because then he felt like he could take on the world

86 miles from my best friend, one of the few people that I can tell anything to, who knows me better than almost anyone, who I miss every day I'm at school

86 miles...distance-wise, it's not that far...only about 90 minutes of driving time...but it's so far when all you want is to hold your best friend while he cries on your shoulder because his world is slowly falling apart and there's nothing you can do except give him the comfort he yearns for...especially when you're the only true friend he has left because everyone else has become so wrapped up in their own drama that they fail to see him crumbling before their eyes. I knew it was coming; I could read it in his messages, hear it in his voice...I knew it...yet there's not a damn thing I can do about it...I can't even be there to let him cry on my shoulder...

I used to pride myself on being a good friend. It didn't matter what you got yourself into, I was always there with you, laughing, crying, whatever the occasion called for...I was there for you. Now that I've gone off to college and tried to start over, I feel like I've become selfish...all I care about is that I'm happy. No, that's not entirely true. I do care about everyone the same still...it's just...I feel like I haven't...done anything about it. I feel like I've walked away from everything that was once so important to me.


I'm ashamed that it took a death, a suicide attempt, a melt down, and a text message that made my heart hurt to get my attention...


Abba...who have I become? Being the best friend who was always there was so much a part of my identity...now who am I? Am I really a selfish jerk who turns her back on her friends? No, even on my worst days, I am never that. Lost? Yes. Confused? Most definitely. Trying each day to change the things I don't like? Always. 

Abba, help me...I'm lost...help me find my way...

It's that special day...

Is it just me or are people making a bigger deal out of Valentine's Day this year than normal?

I mean, geez...everywhere you turn there's red roses and balloons and candy and PDAs...and wow...


I'm engaged and haven't made that big of a deal with about it...I don't even get to see him today because of our schedules...plus we're both broke so we couldn't really do anything special anyway...sure, I want to spend time with him or at least do something special for him but I can't...


On a side note, I just realized that in the entire two years we've been together...we've never celebrated Valentine's day together as a couple...this would be a third (it just happens that way because of when we started dating...) but still...wow...on the other hand, when we dated for the very first time, he went all out for Valentine's day...he gave me chocolate, a dozen red roses, and a necklace...which I still wear to this day...that makes it...four years old today....wow....


Where has the time gone? It still seems crazy to me that this man that I will be marrying in 16 months is the same boy I've known since second grade...the same boy who became one of my best friends in junior high then my second boyfriend...and then after that try failed, we sorta separated ways but grew close again thanks to choir and after much prodding on both sides from the man Upstairs, we gave it another go...and after all that time, we're still here together...and I can't see myself loving anybody else...he is the love of my life...and he always will be...

Big girls do cry

Those people who say crying is worthless, stupid, useless...they really have missed out on what a good cry can give you...

I hate crying but even I know that it's good for me sometimes.

My grandma tells me that crying is a way to cleanse the darkness in your soul. Many wise words have come from my grandmother and she always knows just what to say. I love her so much.


Today was one of those days where I apparently just needed a good cry...


If I'm honest with myself, the need to cry had just been building since Saturday night when I just felt frustrated...add to that the heartwrenching phone call I got this afternoon and the frustration of the most annoying writer's block...and you have a recipe for a bawlfest...


Thank God for my fiance...I hate crying in front of him but...it always helps when he holds me...he always tells me to just let it out...but when he holds me, everything just seems to melt away in the warmth of his embrace...when he holds me, I forget why I was crying in the first place...

Though today was one of the rare occassions when him holding me sort of egged on the tears...ahh well...I needed that...and I did feel better after...


And now I really should be going to bed but I'm not really that tired...I suddenly have this urge to just stay up and write...though honestly I have no inspiration or story to tell currently...I barely got through writing my next article for M Magazine tonight. I could just hit the keys at random...


aksdkoiwuo djghjhgjh ioeuri ueihtui gjhkdh fmcgyivuiu uweikfjkdgi uviiowuof oiujionjg wuer hfuehgjgghug



I feel better... *giggles*


I really should go to bed...or at least get off my computer...I suppose I will...my book is calling my name anyway...


Goodnight, world...I'll see you bright and early...in about...seven hours...

A bone deep sorrow...

I honestly don't know what to say...


I've been sitting here, staring at this screen, willing myself to start pouring everything out on paper...all the pain, the fear, the hurt, the insecurities, the anguish...everything that has just accumulated inside me since the last time I wrote...


But I just...can't...



Usually writing is such a release for me...but now, I can't even find the words to describe what's going on inside my head...


I can cry though...been crying for the past 20 minutes or so...



It all started with this song...made me miss you, Todd...

When I was home this weekend, someone told me that I would always feel your loss. "You'll never get over it; you'll only learn to live with it." I know now that is true...in so many different ways...


Things hadn't been very good between us the last time I saw you and I regret it more than I could ever say. You've been like a father to me for as long as I can remember. When I needed encouragment or comfort or guidance, you were always there, willing to help. You were a role model when it came to living a life after God's own heart. Even when I found out your dark past, I was still amazed at the faith you had every day to continue, to live, to try again. Losing you was like losing my actual dad...who I have lost in a way as well, seeing as he has almost no part in my life whatsoever. I can still see your face when you found about him leaving. You gave me a bonecrushing hug and promised I was welcome in your home whenever I needed an escape. Up until about 6 months ago, I always did feel welcome. I'm not even sure what changed but something did...and that something grew into a rift that separated us until February 2, when you were taken to a place I cannot go yet. You were the reason I wanted a motorcycle in the first place. Now, you're the reason I will never ride on one again. Anytime I hear "Cheeseburger in Paradise" or "Breakfast", I'll think of you and the good times we had...whenever I hear "How Great Thou Art", I'll cry because that was the first song we sang as we told you goodbye. I plan on visiting your grave when I'm home for spring break. I hope you're enjoying your rest now. You truly have earned it. I just wish you hadn't been called home so soon. I'm gong to be missing you so much for a long time....