I honestly don't know what to say...
I've been sitting here, staring at this screen, willing myself to start pouring everything out on paper...all the pain, the fear, the hurt, the insecurities, the anguish...everything that has just accumulated inside me since the last time I wrote...
But I just...can't...
Usually writing is such a release for me...but now, I can't even find the words to describe what's going on inside my head...
I can cry though...been crying for the past 20 minutes or so...
It all started with this song...made me miss you, Todd...
When I was home this weekend, someone told me that I would always feel your loss. "You'll never get over it; you'll only learn to live with it." I know now that is true...in so many different ways...
Things hadn't been very good between us the last time I saw you and I regret it more than I could ever say. You've been like a father to me for as long as I can remember. When I needed encouragment or comfort or guidance, you were always there, willing to help. You were a role model when it came to living a life after God's own heart. Even when I found out your dark past, I was still amazed at the faith you had every day to continue, to live, to try again. Losing you was like losing my actual dad...who I have lost in a way as well, seeing as he has almost no part in my life whatsoever. I can still see your face when you found about him leaving. You gave me a bonecrushing hug and promised I was welcome in your home whenever I needed an escape. Up until about 6 months ago, I always did feel welcome. I'm not even sure what changed but something did...and that something grew into a rift that separated us until February 2, when you were taken to a place I cannot go yet. You were the reason I wanted a motorcycle in the first place. Now, you're the reason I will never ride on one again. Anytime I hear "Cheeseburger in Paradise" or "Breakfast", I'll think of you and the good times we had...whenever I hear "How Great Thou Art", I'll cry because that was the first song we sang as we told you goodbye. I plan on visiting your grave when I'm home for spring break. I hope you're enjoying your rest now. You truly have earned it. I just wish you hadn't been called home so soon. I'm gong to be missing you so much for a long time....
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