86 miles

....86 miles....


86 miles from my best friend who is hurting and texted me today saying that he missed being able to drive down to my house just to get a hug from me because then he felt like he could take on the world

86 miles from my best friend, one of the few people that I can tell anything to, who knows me better than almost anyone, who I miss every day I'm at school

86 miles...distance-wise, it's not that far...only about 90 minutes of driving time...but it's so far when all you want is to hold your best friend while he cries on your shoulder because his world is slowly falling apart and there's nothing you can do except give him the comfort he yearns for...especially when you're the only true friend he has left because everyone else has become so wrapped up in their own drama that they fail to see him crumbling before their eyes. I knew it was coming; I could read it in his messages, hear it in his voice...I knew it...yet there's not a damn thing I can do about it...I can't even be there to let him cry on my shoulder...

I used to pride myself on being a good friend. It didn't matter what you got yourself into, I was always there with you, laughing, crying, whatever the occasion called for...I was there for you. Now that I've gone off to college and tried to start over, I feel like I've become selfish...all I care about is that I'm happy. No, that's not entirely true. I do care about everyone the same still...it's just...I feel like I haven't...done anything about it. I feel like I've walked away from everything that was once so important to me.


I'm ashamed that it took a death, a suicide attempt, a melt down, and a text message that made my heart hurt to get my attention...


Abba...who have I become? Being the best friend who was always there was so much a part of my identity...now who am I? Am I really a selfish jerk who turns her back on her friends? No, even on my worst days, I am never that. Lost? Yes. Confused? Most definitely. Trying each day to change the things I don't like? Always. 

Abba, help me...I'm lost...help me find my way...