Can I be your Nemo?

I feel like I've been hit in the gut...

Except I'm the one who threw the punch...

That was stupid...why did I do that?

I knew you were joking but I dunno, I guess I wanted to see what you would do...

So I gathered my things and left, just like you said to...





...you didn't follow me...




I walked slowly to give you time to catch up...when I opened the outside door to leave, I expected to hear you say "Don't go!"...once outside, I waited to see if you'd follow or at least look out your window...


...you didn't...


........................that hurt...........................

So I unlocked my bike and pedaled home...the tears started once I got back to my dorm...


Not even a text message asking me where I'd gone...


I guess, in a way, I was testing you...to see if you cared enough to follow me, even if it turned out I was joking...


As a test, you failed...

I think what hurts the most is that I expected you to come after me...it just seemed like something you'd do...but I guess not...


When I did hear from you, it was on Facebook...and it didn't help really at all...every time I asked what YOU wanted, you evaded the question, turning it back to me, wanting to know what I wanted to do...I told you and asked again and you replied, saying that actually you need to head to bed soon...

...add salt to the wound...


We said goodnight...you first, then I...but you never said those three words I was waiting to hear...and promptly got off after I said goodnight, so I couldn't even tell you the words myself...

So here I am, crying, wanting to go to bed and escape into my nightmares but knowing I won't be able to sleep  because I'll be kept up, stewing over this stupid thing because it isn't resolved...


...*heavy sigh*....


My mind is agruing with me...one side says it's my fault and I'm a terrible person for doing that...but the other says that it doesn't matter, you should have followed anyway, even if it was just to let me back inside the building...

.........I hate this..........


Abba, help me...I need comfort and understanding and Your heavenly peace...please...


Please...



Since I know you'll read this eventually...the whole thing was stupid and I'd take it back in an instant...but I really did just want to know if you'd follow me...


I love you, with everything I have, and nothing is going to EVER change that...if it hasn't changed after all this time and all that we've been through, then this stupid thing isn't going to change that either....


I guess I just want to hear you say it's okay and nothing to worry about, just a big misunderstanding...


..................*sigh*.............................


That's it....


I'm going to bed now...prehaps, for once, I'll find comfort in my nightmares...doubt it...I'll wake screaming again...