It's that special day...

Is it just me or are people making a bigger deal out of Valentine's Day this year than normal?

I mean, geez...everywhere you turn there's red roses and balloons and candy and PDAs...and wow...


I'm engaged and haven't made that big of a deal with about it...I don't even get to see him today because of our schedules...plus we're both broke so we couldn't really do anything special anyway...sure, I want to spend time with him or at least do something special for him but I can't...


On a side note, I just realized that in the entire two years we've been together...we've never celebrated Valentine's day together as a couple...this would be a third (it just happens that way because of when we started dating...) but still...wow...on the other hand, when we dated for the very first time, he went all out for Valentine's day...he gave me chocolate, a dozen red roses, and a necklace...which I still wear to this day...that makes it...four years old today....wow....


Where has the time gone? It still seems crazy to me that this man that I will be marrying in 16 months is the same boy I've known since second grade...the same boy who became one of my best friends in junior high then my second boyfriend...and then after that try failed, we sorta separated ways but grew close again thanks to choir and after much prodding on both sides from the man Upstairs, we gave it another go...and after all that time, we're still here together...and I can't see myself loving anybody else...he is the love of my life...and he always will be...

Big girls do cry

Those people who say crying is worthless, stupid, useless...they really have missed out on what a good cry can give you...

I hate crying but even I know that it's good for me sometimes.

My grandma tells me that crying is a way to cleanse the darkness in your soul. Many wise words have come from my grandmother and she always knows just what to say. I love her so much.


Today was one of those days where I apparently just needed a good cry...


If I'm honest with myself, the need to cry had just been building since Saturday night when I just felt frustrated...add to that the heartwrenching phone call I got this afternoon and the frustration of the most annoying writer's block...and you have a recipe for a bawlfest...


Thank God for my fiance...I hate crying in front of him but...it always helps when he holds me...he always tells me to just let it out...but when he holds me, everything just seems to melt away in the warmth of his embrace...when he holds me, I forget why I was crying in the first place...

Though today was one of the rare occassions when him holding me sort of egged on the tears...ahh well...I needed that...and I did feel better after...


And now I really should be going to bed but I'm not really that tired...I suddenly have this urge to just stay up and write...though honestly I have no inspiration or story to tell currently...I barely got through writing my next article for M Magazine tonight. I could just hit the keys at random...


aksdkoiwuo djghjhgjh ioeuri ueihtui gjhkdh fmcgyivuiu uweikfjkdgi uviiowuof oiujionjg wuer hfuehgjgghug



I feel better... *giggles*


I really should go to bed...or at least get off my computer...I suppose I will...my book is calling my name anyway...


Goodnight, world...I'll see you bright and early...in about...seven hours...

A bone deep sorrow...

I honestly don't know what to say...


I've been sitting here, staring at this screen, willing myself to start pouring everything out on paper...all the pain, the fear, the hurt, the insecurities, the anguish...everything that has just accumulated inside me since the last time I wrote...


But I just...can't...



Usually writing is such a release for me...but now, I can't even find the words to describe what's going on inside my head...


I can cry though...been crying for the past 20 minutes or so...



It all started with this song...made me miss you, Todd...

When I was home this weekend, someone told me that I would always feel your loss. "You'll never get over it; you'll only learn to live with it." I know now that is true...in so many different ways...


Things hadn't been very good between us the last time I saw you and I regret it more than I could ever say. You've been like a father to me for as long as I can remember. When I needed encouragment or comfort or guidance, you were always there, willing to help. You were a role model when it came to living a life after God's own heart. Even when I found out your dark past, I was still amazed at the faith you had every day to continue, to live, to try again. Losing you was like losing my actual dad...who I have lost in a way as well, seeing as he has almost no part in my life whatsoever. I can still see your face when you found about him leaving. You gave me a bonecrushing hug and promised I was welcome in your home whenever I needed an escape. Up until about 6 months ago, I always did feel welcome. I'm not even sure what changed but something did...and that something grew into a rift that separated us until February 2, when you were taken to a place I cannot go yet. You were the reason I wanted a motorcycle in the first place. Now, you're the reason I will never ride on one again. Anytime I hear "Cheeseburger in Paradise" or "Breakfast", I'll think of you and the good times we had...whenever I hear "How Great Thou Art", I'll cry because that was the first song we sang as we told you goodbye. I plan on visiting your grave when I'm home for spring break. I hope you're enjoying your rest now. You truly have earned it. I just wish you hadn't been called home so soon. I'm gong to be missing you so much for a long time....

Just when something's fixed, something else breaks...

Just when I finally get used to my new schedule and everything else up here...


My stomach starts acting up...


Every night for almost the past week, right before I go to bed, my stomach starts rolling...not like I'm going to puke, not like I'm hungry...just all bubbly and blecky...not exactly a pain but uncomfortable enough to keep me awake for at least an hour after I try to go to bed...


What is wrong with me??


Bleck...


I hardly ever get sick...in any way...with the exclusions of my cysts and migraines...so this whole stomach thing is really worrying me...


I don't like it...



Just had to get that out on paper...was tired of mulling it over and over in my head... *sigh*


Watching Smurfs with my wondeful roommate (she's taking good care of me, making sure i drink lots of water and have Tums) then going to try to sleep...

He's gonna catch 'em all cuz he's Danny Phantom!

I'm totally loving watching all the episodes of Danny Phantom...


Day made!


P.S. I forgot how much I love the theme song...it's been on replay in my head since Tuesday...

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

I've only been back a couple days and I'm already sick of this new schedule...

My days consist of class after class broken up by hour-long breaks...long enough to eat or catch up on reading but not really long enough to take a much needed nap or get a much needed hug. After classes, I head to work til 8 o'clock, with the exception of Mondays, when I have a night class and choral union instead. By the time I get back to my dorm, all I want to do is curl up in his arms and fall asleep...unfortunately, that's not an option. Not just because of the rules around here but because he has practice and when he's done with that, he goes to bed because he gets up so early for work. *sigh*

It's like we're living at completely different times...and honestly, it's frustrating the hell outta me...if this is how the rest of the semester is going to be...*shakes head*...


I'm really worried about him anyway...a couple Sundays ago, he seemed like he really need to hear God say something...then he had some BIG questions a few nights ago...and now, he's asked me to be praying for him...he doesn't do that unless something is really wrong...but I don't know what it is! I really just want to take him somewhere so we can talk...I want to help him, to support him, to be there by his side as he walks the path the Lord has set before him...even if he can't see where the path leads. Part of the reason why I so look forward to being his wife...I'll get to do all that...mhm...I can't wait...anyway...I'm really, really worried about him...

I can't ever seem to tell him that though because I never see him...and he's not very good about answering his phone...or text messages...which can be rather frustrating when I'm trying to have a conversation with him.


I was so excited to get to see him tonight...I didn't even care that I'd have to share him because he wanted to get a Tripoley group together. I was even more excited after my day at work because of everything that happened there. I just wanted to share it with him. But he got out of play practice late and then went straight back to his place...all I ended up getting was a "goodnight" and "pray for me" sort of text...talk about mood killer...for one, I miss him like crazy and for two, now I'm concerned about him. But no...he's probably sound asleep by now and if I do see him tomorrow, it'll be during chapel...yay...


*sigh*


Abba, please...give me patience and strength to deal with whatever comes my way. And please, be with him. Give him the knowledge he's looking for and peace to deal with what he can't. Wrap him in your loving arms and shine your light upon him. Keep him safe. And help me to support and help him in any way possible and help me to show him how much he means to me. Help me be the woman he deserves. And please, Abba, be with us as we journey forth into the uncharted (for us) territory of engagement and eventually, marriage. Guide us, lead us, watch over us, and love us as we journey along. Thank you, Abba, for everything you've done for me, for him, for the both of us. You are truly amazing. Amen

And cue sigh of relief

I feel like I can breathe again. It wasn't until we got back on campus that I realized just how much I missed this place...


Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVED being home...and I was sad to leave...but this is my home now. Not that my house has been much of a home in the past two years...more of a disaster area...but I survived...that's probably why I acclimated to college so easily. Because, in my mind, I was already here...


It's good to be back...


Now if I can just stay...stupid money...why do you have to be so important? Because this is a greedy world and the more green, the happier people are...bleck.


Thanks to some wonderful angels on earth, I'll be here for at least a month...hopefully I have work well under way by then and I'll be getting some paychecks to cover everything...may not be driving anywhere for a couple months but hey, I'll be at school...



Speaking of school, I need to get to bed...I have an early morning tomorrow tracking everyone down that I need information or papers from...then off to pay and then chapel...and then! Off to Teaching Young Adult Literature *grins* I am so excited for that class!!!! Then I need to see when I'm on the schedule for work...maybe even get some hours in tomorrow...


Well...my roommate has disappeared...but I'm going to bed anyways...goodnight, world...



EDIT:

Also, I would like to add that choir went better than I thought...so did breaking the "big news" to my friends *grins* it so nice to see people who are as excited about the engagement as I am instead of being told I'm " too young", "not ready", or "rushing things". To everyone who I talked to at choir, thank you...your reactions were exactly what I needed. Love you guys...


And now....goodnight...