I think I'll try defying gravity

I'm in such a good mood I feel like my feet aren't touching the ground...


I might possibly be subconsciously be trying to defy gravity.

Cool.



Anyway...this is going to be another short entry for two reasons.


1.) I'm in a ridiculously excellent mood and I have nothing to say other than that...

2.) It's absolutely gorgeous outside and I'm just slightly distracted...like a lot.


Yay *grins*


As of right now, I have an online assignment, some emails to send out, and some pictures to take. Then I'm done. Tomorrow I'll get up, go to TGIBF, hit up Walmart, then pack. At 1 o'clock, I'm grabbing my Pops Concert tickets then I'm hitting the road. HOMEWARD BOUND!!!!


Sure, I'm still unsure of how this break is going to go. I had planned to spend it running around doing wedding stuff. Now I don't have to (and I'm still not sure how I feel about that). Instead I get to run around and see people...which I am excited for. Though I'm not looking forward to all the questions and worried glances. Chill, people. We postponed the wedding; we didn't break up. Relax. I plan to.


Anyways...this break is going to be good...but still busy. I also have some projects to work on. Goody. Oh well. It'll be great!


Now...time to go be social with my roommates before we all head our separate ways tomorrow.


Also, dear readers...GO OUTSIDE. ENJOY IT!!! *grins*


Okay, now I'm done...

I thank God for this day, for the sun in the sky...

It was an absolutely beautiful day today.


The sun was shining, I didn't have to wear my heavy coat, it smelled like spring...


And tomorrow it's just going to be better...*grins*



Spring Break is almost here...I can just feel the stress sliding off my shoulders.


This is what I have left:

7-9: work
9:30-10:30: chapel
11: test on volleyball
3-5: work

That's it.

Then Friday is here and all I have to do is pack and do an online assignment that's due at 11. And then...HOME!!!! For nine glorious days...home.


*grins*...I just...can't wait!!


And now...bedtime. I know this is short and it doesn't say much but...I've gotten less than 9 hours of sleep the past two nights combined. I was going to sleep in til 9 tomorrow but then a friend asked me to cover her shift because her mom is in the hospital. I just couldn't say no...I've been there. Besides...more money for me. And cashiering in the morning is easy peasy. Anyway...


Goodnight, world!

The Crashing Down of Hollow Years

Carry me to the shoreline
Bury me in the sand
Walk me across the water
Maybe you'll understand

Once the stone you're crawling under
Is lifted off your shoulders
Once the cloud that's raining
Over your head disappears
The noise that you'll hear is
The crashing down of hollow years

 - Hollow Years by Dream Theater


I hadn't heard this song in ages but this part rolled through my brain while I sat at work today. I've always loved this song but it never really meant much to me, you know? It's a beautiful song and the lyrics are well-written but their meaning didn't hit me until today.

"Once the stone you're crawling under is lifted off your shoulders, once the cloud that's raining over your head disappears, the noise that you'll hear is the crashing down of hollow years."

That's what I'm living right now. I've been living under all this bitterness and anger and depression and letting it sit heavy upon my shoulders like a huge rock. I've been living like Eeyore with a rain cloud over my head and gloomy outlook on everything. Now I'm walking out from under that rain cloud, leaving the boulder behind, and I can just feel my old world come crashing down.

In the best possible ways.

Hollow years...that's a very good description of the past couple years. It's confusing at the same time because I have never felt more emotion than I have in the past few years. Hopelessness, desparation, anger, depression, passion, desire, excitement ...I felt nearly every emotion known to man...and probably a few my hormones decided to create. I have loved and lost, hoped and failed...yet all those feelings left me hollow. I used up everything inside me just to feel those emotions. That kind of intensity left very little.

I don't want to be hollow anymore.

I want to feel all those things, the good and the bad, but I want them to honestly mean things now. I want to remember why I felt them, not just the fact that I felt them. I want them to be real, not just reactions to situations and people.


Please, don't take that to mean that everything I have felt in the past few years has been unreal or pretend in ANY fashion. Like I said, it's confusing. I felt things but...it wasn't enough...does that make sense?


Anyway...I'm ready to be done with my hollow years. I'm ready to move on.


Bring it on, world. Chrissi is ready.

Extreme Makeover: Chrissi edition

Well.


Umm.


Yeah...


I have no idea where to start.

I honestly don't.


There's just so much...*sigh*


Alright, here's the deal. Last year, I used this blog as a way to vent, to get my feelings and thoughts outta my brain and down somewhere so I could sort them out. Then things got better. I didn't have as much to vent about. So I stopped. Then things got bad again...so bad that I couldn't even write about it because it hurt too much. Times were confusing and painful. I would write every now and then but it wasn't good, it wasn't helpful. It was just too much.

I would hide behind forced smiles and stained laughter. I don't know if anyone else noticed this but I stopped looking people in the eye. I didn't want them to see what I was hiding and I didn't want to see their pity or concern. I cried easily and snapped even easier. It didn't take much anymore. Ask my fiance...he got the burnt of all that. It was awful and terrible and, pardon the Relient K reference but, who I am, who I truly am inside, hates who I've been. It's like I've been trapped inside myself. I've been looking out, seeing, feeling, hearing everything I've been doing all this time. Yes, I have been doing all that BUT there was always a part of me, small and scared, resisting, shuddering at everything that happened.

I can't really describe to you what it was like. Imagine if Dr. Jekyll was fully concious while Hyde was running around killing people. He would experience everything Hyde did as if he were doing it himself but he wouldn't have the ability to stop him. He would be an observer of his own self without any control. That's about what I've felt like the past...oh...I don't even know...3 years? Maybe only 2. But still...yeah. I have done and said things I wouldn't have. At least the old me wouldn't have me. I've become that monster. That thing I told myself I would never become.

It's wrecked my life. It isolated me, made me bitter and hopeless. It almost destroyed my relationship. I honestly hate looking at myself in the mirror anymore, even just to brush my teeth or check my hair in the morning. I hate seeing what I've become. I can't even look myself in the eyes anymore. I have failed.

I can't live like this anymore. No more quick fixes or forced happiness. I'm done. Pardon my French but...it's time to get my shit together. I have been broken and dead inside for too long.

So get ready, self. It's time for Extreme Makeover: Chrissi edition. This baby's getting remodeled inside and out. Mostly inside...I'm not going on some ridiculous body make over thing...though I am going to work on that a bit too...more on that later. Anyway. I need your help, blog. I'm going to use you. Every day I am going to write here. Even if it's just a paragraph. I'm going to do it. I'm going to vent, I'm going to rant, I'm going to explain, I'm going to think things through...and I need your help to do it. It helped last year. I hope it does this time too. I just need to get it all out...my worries, my fears, my memories, my depression, my exhaustion, my hopes and dreams...all of it. I need to process it in some way other than rolling it all around in my head. There's not enough room up there right now.

Anyway. I fill you in as we go along. There's a lot to say and honestly, I don't want to say any of it. Everything I write is going to be raw and honest and most of it isn't going to be pretty. But this needs to happen. And it's going to. Even if I have to go through this with just God and my blog, I will do this. I have to. Or I could lose everything I have ever cared about. And then life really wouldn't be worth living anymore...

So here I go. Wish me luck!

I'm reaching but I fall...

I'm trying. I really am. I texted you; I made the first move. The ball is your court now.


I don't know where this is going to go. I don't know what's going to happen.


All I know is I can't take the hate and pain and anger anymore. There just isn't enough room in my life for it anymore. I'm getting married this summer, I graduate from college in two years...I need to move on with my life. And I know you've moved on with yours. You're married now and with a baby on the way...



I'm not saying I'm okay with what happened. But I can't dwell on it anymore. I can't let it have the control it does over my life.


So here I go. I'm offering the olive branch, burying the hatchet, letting sleeping dogs lie. As Pumba says, I'm putting my behind in the past.


This isn't going to be easy. It's going to be awkward and painful. But it needs to be done. I want things to be fixed. Please? Can we at least give it a try?

Fine. You win.

I give up.


Fine. I'll be the evil one, the one messing up your new life. I'll be the one who hurt you.

Being abandoned for another man' woman, a new family, a "fresh start"...yeah, that didn't hurt at all. The phone calls and texts would have made it easier except...wait, what are those? A rarity. The last I heard from you directly was on my birthday. When is my birthday? March 6. What day is it? December 13.

You couldn't even text or call me to tell me you didn't like what I thought of your new wife. You tried with a Facebook message but that left no room for my own feelings. It's all about you and your happiness now.

And now one of your new daughters is cussing me out on Facebook. Seriously?


1. That's really classy. Let's put "family" drama on Facebook. Sure, I have a blog but you wanna know who reads it? My fiance, my aunt, my roommate, and apparently you. Wow...like all of those people don't already know about this crap. Her post however recieved comments from other people. That's just trashy. You don't put shit like that on Facebook.

2. How dare you show her kids what I have to say?? This shit is between you and me. I don't tell Mom what I write on here so when you text her all upset about what I've said, she has to call me and ask me what I said. Way to put her in middle, jerkface. Leave her out of this crap. If you don't like what I'm saying or it upsets you, contact me. I might answer. Then again, I probably shouldn't because the 4th commandment will be thrown out the window. You haven't acted like my father for quite a while now...I'm not going to hold anything back.

3. I know you're going to be at Grandma's for Christmas. Please, whatever happens, do not bring this crap up around her. She doesn't deserve that. It's a holiday with family. Keep all ya'lls tempers on a leash and I'll control mine. This is my last Christmas at Grandma's for awhile and I don't want it ruined by this shit.

4. I will continue writing whatever the hell I want on this blog. Only 4 people read it and they already know what's going on. This is for me to work out my own anger without resorting to violence. Don't like it? Don't read it. And tell little miss thang that I'll get over this when I want. My family fell apart. I'm still trying to put the pieces together. If she doesn't like the pace at which I'm going, she can suck it up and get over herself. She doesn't know shit about me so she should back off.

I'm really tired of finding out you're mad at me through Mom. Grow a pair and tell me yourself. That may sound disrespectful but so is putting Mom in the middle. Quit that.

I was hoping to maybe be okay with you by Christmas but this last incident just threw that out the window. I ended up with your temper and stubborn streak, Dad. So you of all people should undestand I need some time to get used to this crap. If you have patience with me, I'll try to be nicer. I'll at least stop calling your wife a whore. It's a knee-jerk reaction really. But I'll do my best to control the urge.

Now go back to your new life and leave me alone. You obviously didn't care enough to stick around in the first place. You don't get to stick your nose in my business now.

My ghosts are coming back to haunt me

I'm at a loss for words. I mean, I can type out what I'm thinking...but I'm in such a state of shock anytime I try to speak, tears well up and fear grips my tongue.


Christmas Day is going to be hell.



My favorite day in the entire year...something I look forward to with all my heart...a tradition I'm loathe to give up...

And it's now ruined.


Today has already been draining. I'm on my period (2nd day), I'm exhausted both physically and mentally, I just want to take a nap but I have work in 20 minutes...it's just been a long day.


Then it just had to get worse.


I went to check the time on my cell phone in my last class when I noticed I had a text from my mother. I haven't enjoyed getting a text from her in awhile since they're usually all about her wedding (which I dread) or about how much she "misses her baby girl and how things used to be between us". Gag me. This text wasn't any better. In fact, it was much worse.

"Just letting u know, from the text I just got, your dad will be at gma's on christmas day."

Aside from the terrible grammer and the use of text langauge (which, as an English major, drives me up the wall), this text was the worst thing that could have possibly happened to me.


My father, the one who left us for some woman he met online, the one who disowned me after reading my post about my true feelings concerning the divorce and his remarriage, the one who hasn't spoken directly to me in almost a year, he's coming to my grandma's during my favorite celebration of the year. The one time a year I see all of my favorite family members in one day where we spend the day sharing news and presents and good food and laughter and Bingo prizes and he's going to be there.

If he was the only one I was going to have to deal with, I might...MIGHT be able to handle it. But 10 bucks says he's bringing his whore...I mean, his new wife. And she's pregnant. Goody.


On top of that, my mother is getting married a week from tomorrow and I still can hardly stand her chosen signficant other either.


So I'm going to have to deal with it on BOTH sides!!! And the whole time I'm going to be expected to smile and be happy and pretend like I'm not dying on the inside.


I'm not going to be able to do it.





And now I'm sitting here trying to piece myself back together so I can go to work...


Just four more hours and then I can completely break down...if I survive that long. If you're reading this and you see me in the next couple days, please do not bring up Christmas or the fact that I look like a kicked puppy. You might lose your head. Fair warning.