I feel numb.
I didn't get the position and scholarship I wanted/needed desparately...
A close family friend is literally days, if not hours from dying...
And now that needling little doubt in the back of my mind that I thought was just my insecurities?
Nope...it's a real problem...whatever it is. Something is wrong with our relationship.
I want to talk to him about it and fix it. Out of the three things, it's the only one I CAN fix. But it's guys weekend...he's surrounded by all his buddies and I don't matter. At least that's how it feels right now...I'm not saying I have anything against guys weekend because I don't. I think it's a great idea and it's good for him to spend time with all his friends. But I don't like the person he becomes around his friends....
It seems like ever since we got back to school after being engaged, when he's around his friends, he's different. He treats me different.
I've really only noticed it in the past week or two...but hindsight is twenty-twenty so I'm remembering other little things too.
The reason I haven't said anything before is because he's been taking everything I say the wrong way lately. Ever since she and I became better friends. He blames her for how I "treat" him now. She has nothing to do with it. I just figured that since we were engaged now I could point out the little things I thought he might want to fix or at least examine his reactions without him jumping down my throat. I just want him to be the best man he can be in every possible way. Before I never said anything because it wasn't my place to change him. That was between him and God. It still is. But if we're going to share a life together, I want to help make him a better person. I can't do that if pointing out a flaw causes such a vicious reaction everytime. I'm not going to put myself through that everytime.
The reason I'm saying this now is 1) I'm hoping he won't read this because he'll be busy with the guys and 2) because I need to get it all out somewhere before I go to the hockey game tonight so I don't bring all this up and ruin the night for him.
I'll tell him that we need to talk once we get back to school...if he can make room in his schedule for some alone time with me.
That's another thing...I really just want to spend some alone time with him. Time without his roommates or our other friends. I just want to go on a walk with him and talk...like we used to do.
There are so many things we used to do together that I miss now. We used to watch movies wrapped up in each other's arms. Now, it seems like he never seems to be content to just hold me until it's time for me to leave and I don't want to stand there in the middle of the hallway or doorway. When we sit and watch tv or a movie, I just want to crawl into his lap and hold me again. We used to go for walks on the trails at the community center and we would just talk...about so many things. I miss that so much...when we tried to do that over the break, it just wasn't the same. We used to play MarioKart and SuperSmash together. He used to buy me flowers. Every morning, I would wake up to a "good morning" text message and every night, he would tell me goodnight and sweet dreams. Those things are becoming a rarity, something he only thinks about once in awhile.
What changed?
You wanna know why else I haven't said anything?
Because I'm terrified you'll think I'm just a nag and you'll leave me just like my dad left my mom.
I would never be able to survive that.
So I sit in silence, hoping you'll figure this out on your own. Now I'm realizing you won't and I"m trying to do something to change things. I'm even making a concious effort to change what you have pointed out as my flaws. But when I point out your flaws, you just snap.
I know hearing these thing can't be easy. It wasn't for me when you pointed out a couple of my flaws. But I knew you were just trying to help...even if I did get angry. I apologized though, for lashing out at you.
That is something you haven't done.
You know something else you haven't done?
It suddenly clicked with me today.
You've made me feel wanted...but not so much needed or truly loved.
I know you love me. I know that. But remember, dear...I have two love languages.
And while you're very good at appealing to one, the other has been seriously lacking...
And because that love language isn't being fulfilled, I feel as if I'm not significant anymore.
I have a gigantic green rock resting on my ring finger right now...so I know that's not true. But a rock, no matter how gorgeous or important, is cold...your arms around me, your smile, your laugh, your love are warm and filling.
I hate crying...I especially hate crying because of you...it makes me feel so awful...my stomach is twisting itself into all sorts of knots at the thought of telling you we need to talk. It's not going to be like when you surprised me with my bike...this is for real.
This is something serious...even if you don't realize it. I need to just sit down with you and talk about this.
I know this whole thing probably sounds like so negative and terrible. That's not how it is all the time. When we've gone on those bike rides this week, I wish we could've just stayed there, exploring those beautiful trails, just the two of us together. Going to the zoo over spring break was a blast...and taking that afternoon to just nap next to each other...I don't think I've slept that well since. When I met you after Ladies Night and we walked down the mall and we danced...I felt like I could have flown to the stars and back, I was so happy.
You make me happy, angel...you really do. And I love you so much I swear my heart could burst sometimes.
But there are also times where I just want to cry and scream and punch the wall because I feel so hurt and frustrated and you don't seem to care or understand.
I want to change that. I don't want that to be between us, especially seeing as we're supposed to get married next summer.
I want to fix our problems, whatever problems I feel I have with you and whatever problems you feel you have with me. I want to sit down, share those, hash it out, fix it.
I have been broken for so long...with all that I've been through in the past two years. I'm tired of being broken and I don't want to drag you down with me. I want to make things better.
I want to build on our relationship, making it bigger, better, stronger...just because we're getting married does not mean our relationship has stopped growing. If anything, that means it should be growing by leaps and bounds. We should be comfortable with each other, but the little things we did for each other shouldn't stop. I realize I've been lacking in these areas as well and I'm going to change. But I want you to see and to change too.
So please, if you've been reading this...don't get mad at me when I ask to talk to you and start pointing these things out. Don't interrupt me, let me get it all out. Listen to what I have to say, don't just hear me talking. I'm not going to do this to hurt you. I'm going to do this to help you, to help us.
It's all about us now, angel. We have to realize that. We're going to have life together. We can't be selfish or think only of ourselves anymore. We two are going to become one in a year. We have to get used to a different kind of thinking.
I'm going to stop talking now, okay? Please, try to understand what I've been trying to say. I'll talk to you about all of this when we get the chance. I need to go wash my face and make myself look presentable so that when Sky picks me up, I don't look like I've been crying for the past two hours.
No matter what, angel...please remember that I love you. I will always love you. God gave me you...and I plan on doing whatever is necessary to make I don't abuse that gift again.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
I blame this song right here for my mushy gushy mood lately...my student manager had it playing the other night at work. It stuck in my head so I came home and created a Pandora playlist from it...and now I've had country love songs of all kinds running through my head ever since...
I am definitely not complaining...
Just saying...*grins*
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Floating on air
"So baby, why don't we just dance down the hall, straight up the stairs, bouncing of the walls, floating on air, baby. So why don't we just dance?"
That man I danced with on the mall, the one who quoted that he would lasso the moon for me, the one who held me close and kissed me so sweetly my heart nearly broke...the man who prayed, thanking God for the woman He had given him when He gave him me...
That's the man I said yes to...
*happy sigh*
It's moments like this that I turn to when other memories threaten to overwhelm me...that is the man I lean on when the world is spinning too fast for me to handle...
That is the man I love with every beat of my heart. That is the man I am marrying in one year, two months, and twenty-six days...and I cannot wait!
Abba...You have blessed me so, so much...I never knew what I wanted in a man until You gave me Jacob... and now...I have a man who is more than I could ever dream of...he may not be perfect (nobody is) but he's just right for me. Thank you...so much. He's absolutely wonderful. You found the right guy for me, Abba, though I always knew You would. Thank you, Abba...thank you...
That man I danced with on the mall, the one who quoted that he would lasso the moon for me, the one who held me close and kissed me so sweetly my heart nearly broke...the man who prayed, thanking God for the woman He had given him when He gave him me...
That's the man I said yes to...
*happy sigh*
It's moments like this that I turn to when other memories threaten to overwhelm me...that is the man I lean on when the world is spinning too fast for me to handle...
That is the man I love with every beat of my heart. That is the man I am marrying in one year, two months, and twenty-six days...and I cannot wait!
Abba...You have blessed me so, so much...I never knew what I wanted in a man until You gave me Jacob... and now...I have a man who is more than I could ever dream of...he may not be perfect (nobody is) but he's just right for me. Thank you...so much. He's absolutely wonderful. You found the right guy for me, Abba, though I always knew You would. Thank you, Abba...thank you...
Memories...monsters with a bite
Last night was quite nice indeed.
Since he left before I could come back and say goodbye, I decided to stay with my new friend (hi Lindsay!) while she closed down Bell Center. Afterwards, we took a walk around campus, ending up in the rocking chairs on the front porch of the dorms. We just talked...a lot! Yes, we talked about him but we talked about me and about her too.
In the end, I think we talked about him most. But it wasn't in a way that he should ever be afraid or worried. We talk about him to each other because the both of us understand him...whether he thinks we do or not.
She sees that he has his flaws and she points them out, honestly not wanting to hurt him but because she wants to help be a better man. I see his flaws but I also see everything good and wonderful about him.
I see his passion, his faith, his loyalty, his intelligence, and his talent. I see his mushy, romantic side that he shows from time to time. I see his honesty and his sense of humor. I see how he cares, how he loves. I see him, plain and simple. I see everything about him, good and bad, and I still love him with all my heart.
My friend and I, we talk about all these things. I quite enjoy talking to her, honestly. I just wish it didn't cause him such strife. She and I understand each other. We've both been through the same thing with him...I think that's part of the reason why I like talking to her so much. I can talk to her about the "stupid time" and she doesn't withdraw the way he does. It's not something any of us want to remember, let alone relive, but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be something we talk about. If we don't talk about it, everything we feel about that time is just going to build up inside of us, and one day it will explode. That is a mess none of us need to deal with. So why not get it all out now, especially seeing as he and I are getting married next year? I don't want any of this hanging over our heads once we're married.
You know the saying "Forgive and forget"? He's forgotten...but he hasn't forgiven.
I'm not even saying he needs to forgive her...that's not what I mean at all. He needs to forgive himself.
I've lost count of how many times he's apologized to me for abandoning me, letting me down, hurting me. I've forgiven him. I forgave him the first day I saw him again after all that time.
My facebook is changing over to timeline and I had the opportunity to go through everything and edit it today. Going back through and reading all my statuses and notes from those three months...each one felt like a knife in my gut again. It's not even just because I lost him anymore...but because there was so much hurt all around (as I am learning now).
You say you don't want me to be friends with her, that you don't like the reminder of what happened...but I like being friends with her and I don't see her as a reminder. I see her as someone who understands and empathizes.
All the memories are like little monsters with big bites...but they're easy to conquer...it just takes time...and forgiveness...
Since he left before I could come back and say goodbye, I decided to stay with my new friend (hi Lindsay!) while she closed down Bell Center. Afterwards, we took a walk around campus, ending up in the rocking chairs on the front porch of the dorms. We just talked...a lot! Yes, we talked about him but we talked about me and about her too.
In the end, I think we talked about him most. But it wasn't in a way that he should ever be afraid or worried. We talk about him to each other because the both of us understand him...whether he thinks we do or not.
She sees that he has his flaws and she points them out, honestly not wanting to hurt him but because she wants to help be a better man. I see his flaws but I also see everything good and wonderful about him.
I see his passion, his faith, his loyalty, his intelligence, and his talent. I see his mushy, romantic side that he shows from time to time. I see his honesty and his sense of humor. I see how he cares, how he loves. I see him, plain and simple. I see everything about him, good and bad, and I still love him with all my heart.
My friend and I, we talk about all these things. I quite enjoy talking to her, honestly. I just wish it didn't cause him such strife. She and I understand each other. We've both been through the same thing with him...I think that's part of the reason why I like talking to her so much. I can talk to her about the "stupid time" and she doesn't withdraw the way he does. It's not something any of us want to remember, let alone relive, but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be something we talk about. If we don't talk about it, everything we feel about that time is just going to build up inside of us, and one day it will explode. That is a mess none of us need to deal with. So why not get it all out now, especially seeing as he and I are getting married next year? I don't want any of this hanging over our heads once we're married.
You know the saying "Forgive and forget"? He's forgotten...but he hasn't forgiven.
I'm not even saying he needs to forgive her...that's not what I mean at all. He needs to forgive himself.
I've lost count of how many times he's apologized to me for abandoning me, letting me down, hurting me. I've forgiven him. I forgave him the first day I saw him again after all that time.
My facebook is changing over to timeline and I had the opportunity to go through everything and edit it today. Going back through and reading all my statuses and notes from those three months...each one felt like a knife in my gut again. It's not even just because I lost him anymore...but because there was so much hurt all around (as I am learning now).
You say you don't want me to be friends with her, that you don't like the reminder of what happened...but I like being friends with her and I don't see her as a reminder. I see her as someone who understands and empathizes.
All the memories are like little monsters with big bites...but they're easy to conquer...it just takes time...and forgiveness...
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
I have been adopted into a new family...and I am so excited!!
Omigosh!!! Tonight was an absolute blast!!
It was just...fantabulous *grins*
I feel like I have finally found a true friend here at college (not that my other friends here aren't true...but that they don't seem to really "get" me...wow, that sounded...really lame *facedesk*)...and ironically enough...it's her (hi, Lindsay!).
Now, Abba...you know I don't believe in coincidences...coincidences are just your way of staying anonymous...but...DANG!!!! You sure put a lot into this one!
My new friend just HAPPENS to be my fiance's ex...
Yeah...
About that...
That is the only thing that ever bothers me about this whole thing...not that she's his ex but that I can't share my excitement about that with him. Anytime I mention her, he shuts down (more so than usual). But this is something that I have wanted and now I've been blessed enough to have it happen and it really is a great thing...
Yet, he can't share in that happiness...
I'm not even sure why he's so upset anymore. He claims he's over everything that happened, that it doesn't matter to him. But he never talks about it. He brings it up or mentions it (usually when I bring up talking or hanging out with her) but he never talks about that time. She does. She does a lot, especially with me. Most people would probably think that's awkward but it's not, at least for me. I rather like it. I can talk to her about that time and she understands! Because she's been there! I can mention something about him and she nods in understanding because she knows what I'm talking about! I think it's because she talks about it so much that she's come to terms with what happened better and faster than he has. Maybe at first he thought he didn't care, but as time goes on, it seems to bother him more and more.
I wish he would talk about it with me...it would help me understand him just that much better (though i can already finish his sentences and answer his questions before he's asked them).
I'm worried that the friendship I have with her could put a rift between him and I if we don't address the problem now.
I want to be friends with her. I like being friends with her, talking with her, hanging out with her, talking "short" walks with her. But I love him and would never want to do anything that hurt him, especially if I knew it was going to hurt him.
I don't think being friends with her is going to hurt him. But I don't know what he thinks.
This is one thing about him that I don't know...
Ach...mindless blathering...I really need to talk to him...IF I COULD SEE HIM!!!! stupid schedule...ugh...
On a happier note: I have been adopted into a new friend family! *happy dance*
After watching Harry Potter and the Philospher's Stone with some new friends, I have been officially adopted into the family.
HOORAY!!!!
FINALLY!!!! Someone to geek out over all the little Potterhead facts and fantasies and such....someone who understands my English writing nerdiness...so wonderful!! I look forward to new adventures with my new family *grins*
Okay...I have blabbered on long enough...it's almost 1 o'clock and I have a paper to finish and a 9 o'clock class looming ahead...but then choir with my friend from work visiting and Psych night to look forward to after work...
Off to bed! *makes swooshing noises*
It was just...fantabulous *grins*
I feel like I have finally found a true friend here at college (not that my other friends here aren't true...but that they don't seem to really "get" me...wow, that sounded...really lame *facedesk*)...and ironically enough...it's her (hi, Lindsay!).
Now, Abba...you know I don't believe in coincidences...coincidences are just your way of staying anonymous...but...DANG!!!! You sure put a lot into this one!
My new friend just HAPPENS to be my fiance's ex...
Yeah...
About that...
That is the only thing that ever bothers me about this whole thing...not that she's his ex but that I can't share my excitement about that with him. Anytime I mention her, he shuts down (more so than usual). But this is something that I have wanted and now I've been blessed enough to have it happen and it really is a great thing...
Yet, he can't share in that happiness...
I'm not even sure why he's so upset anymore. He claims he's over everything that happened, that it doesn't matter to him. But he never talks about it. He brings it up or mentions it (usually when I bring up talking or hanging out with her) but he never talks about that time. She does. She does a lot, especially with me. Most people would probably think that's awkward but it's not, at least for me. I rather like it. I can talk to her about that time and she understands! Because she's been there! I can mention something about him and she nods in understanding because she knows what I'm talking about! I think it's because she talks about it so much that she's come to terms with what happened better and faster than he has. Maybe at first he thought he didn't care, but as time goes on, it seems to bother him more and more.
I wish he would talk about it with me...it would help me understand him just that much better (though i can already finish his sentences and answer his questions before he's asked them).
I'm worried that the friendship I have with her could put a rift between him and I if we don't address the problem now.
I want to be friends with her. I like being friends with her, talking with her, hanging out with her, talking "short" walks with her. But I love him and would never want to do anything that hurt him, especially if I knew it was going to hurt him.
I don't think being friends with her is going to hurt him. But I don't know what he thinks.
This is one thing about him that I don't know...
Ach...mindless blathering...I really need to talk to him...IF I COULD SEE HIM!!!! stupid schedule...ugh...
On a happier note: I have been adopted into a new friend family! *happy dance*
After watching Harry Potter and the Philospher's Stone with some new friends, I have been officially adopted into the family.
HOORAY!!!!
FINALLY!!!! Someone to geek out over all the little Potterhead facts and fantasies and such....someone who understands my English writing nerdiness...so wonderful!! I look forward to new adventures with my new family *grins*
Okay...I have blabbered on long enough...it's almost 1 o'clock and I have a paper to finish and a 9 o'clock class looming ahead...but then choir with my friend from work visiting and Psych night to look forward to after work...
Off to bed! *makes swooshing noises*
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Raindrops keep falling on my head
I love rainy days and all that they entail...after a few days of rain, I just feel sleepy. My initial excitement of puddle jumping and running barefoot through the wet grass ceases and all I wish to do is curl up by the window with a good book and a playlist of Jack Johnson, Josh Wilson, or even some Celtic Thunder.
Currently I have my Celtic Thunder playlist...but I have a paper to write due tomorrow that I meant to write last night but I got distracted (and I am not complaining!) and I need to get it written now so I can enjoy movie night tonight.
I hate these kinds of papers..."analyze your adolescence and discuss your reactions to important events at that time."
Let's see...my adolescence started out normal...then I was diagnosed with ovarian cysts, dated someone who cheated on me 3 times in our 4 month relationship and then he later on called me an "unfeeling bitch" because I wouldn't give him another chance, junior year I was diagnosed with chronic migraines in Novemeber only to have my dad diagnosed with a brain tumor in January, started dating my fiance, my dad's affair was found out and my parents got divorced, my relationship ended, then it got back together, and my mother used me as an emotional crutch so that she could curl up in a ball and cry every day and starve herself while I took care of the kids and when I wanted to get away from it all, I had to go to college an hour away...and it's still not far enough...
yeah....
Because I really want to talk about all that in a 3 page paper to my least favorite professor...
Totally...
That gives me so much motivation to write this paper...
NOT!
Breathe, Chrissi...just breathe...listen to the beautiful Celtic music and relax...it's all going to be okay...
Until I remember that the whole reason I love Celtic music so much is because of watching Riverdance with my Poppie and Tante like a billion times as a child...
*sigh*
I hope he's hanging in there okay...second treatment today...
Abba...please...
No, Chrissi...stop thinking about it or you won't even go to class...you must go to class...you can do this...
Ach...
Currently I have my Celtic Thunder playlist...but I have a paper to write due tomorrow that I meant to write last night but I got distracted (and I am not complaining!) and I need to get it written now so I can enjoy movie night tonight.
I hate these kinds of papers..."analyze your adolescence and discuss your reactions to important events at that time."
Let's see...my adolescence started out normal...then I was diagnosed with ovarian cysts, dated someone who cheated on me 3 times in our 4 month relationship and then he later on called me an "unfeeling bitch" because I wouldn't give him another chance, junior year I was diagnosed with chronic migraines in Novemeber only to have my dad diagnosed with a brain tumor in January, started dating my fiance, my dad's affair was found out and my parents got divorced, my relationship ended, then it got back together, and my mother used me as an emotional crutch so that she could curl up in a ball and cry every day and starve herself while I took care of the kids and when I wanted to get away from it all, I had to go to college an hour away...and it's still not far enough...
yeah....
Because I really want to talk about all that in a 3 page paper to my least favorite professor...
Totally...
That gives me so much motivation to write this paper...
NOT!
Breathe, Chrissi...just breathe...listen to the beautiful Celtic music and relax...it's all going to be okay...
Until I remember that the whole reason I love Celtic music so much is because of watching Riverdance with my Poppie and Tante like a billion times as a child...
*sigh*
I hope he's hanging in there okay...second treatment today...
Abba...please...
No, Chrissi...stop thinking about it or you won't even go to class...you must go to class...you can do this...
Ach...
I feel like I have entered an alternate reality
It must be "Become Best Friends With All Your Fiance's Exes" week...
Rooming next year with one ex, becoming very good friends with another ex (the most recent one, in fact...by the way, I need to check and see if we are actually watching Harry Potter 1 tomorrow night...I'm excited), and now I have met and am being Facebooked by another...
Weird...
I don't mind...I honestly don't. This is just...weird...
There's no other word for it.
Nor am I complaining...
It's just...weird!
I thought guys didn't like it when their current significant other became friends with any ex...? Well, there is one of those girls I mentioned he's not too happy about but...ya know what? Oh well! She and I get along exceptionally well and I like that. *grins* The other two, however, are ones that he has introduced me to and the latest one is one he seems to want me to befriend pretty badly...maybe it's more of a "he approves of my friendship with her but not my friendship with his newest ex" sort of thing.
Oh well...that sucks...for him *grins devilishly*
Now, babe...I know you're going to read this eventually so don't take anything I say too seriously. But honestly, I am quite enjoying my new friendship with your last ex even if you aren't. I will be friends with her no matter what you say. But this other friendship that you seem to be pushing...please don't. The circumstances are awkward enough with how we met anyway...you're not really helping. For some reason, I seem to be really struggling with trying to be friends with this one. Not because I don't like her...but because of my insecurities. So be patient and let the two of us become friends at our own pace.
Like now...we're currently having a lyric war on Facebook...though you're to blame for that...*gives look*
Anyway...this whole post was just something I realized...and it strikes me as really...weird...
*shrugs* oh well...
There's nothing really wrong with weird.
Rooming next year with one ex, becoming very good friends with another ex (the most recent one, in fact...by the way, I need to check and see if we are actually watching Harry Potter 1 tomorrow night...I'm excited), and now I have met and am being Facebooked by another...
Weird...
I don't mind...I honestly don't. This is just...weird...
There's no other word for it.
Nor am I complaining...
It's just...weird!
I thought guys didn't like it when their current significant other became friends with any ex...? Well, there is one of those girls I mentioned he's not too happy about but...ya know what? Oh well! She and I get along exceptionally well and I like that. *grins* The other two, however, are ones that he has introduced me to and the latest one is one he seems to want me to befriend pretty badly...maybe it's more of a "he approves of my friendship with her but not my friendship with his newest ex" sort of thing.
Oh well...that sucks...for him *grins devilishly*
Now, babe...I know you're going to read this eventually so don't take anything I say too seriously. But honestly, I am quite enjoying my new friendship with your last ex even if you aren't. I will be friends with her no matter what you say. But this other friendship that you seem to be pushing...please don't. The circumstances are awkward enough with how we met anyway...you're not really helping. For some reason, I seem to be really struggling with trying to be friends with this one. Not because I don't like her...but because of my insecurities. So be patient and let the two of us become friends at our own pace.
Like now...we're currently having a lyric war on Facebook...though you're to blame for that...*gives look*
Anyway...this whole post was just something I realized...and it strikes me as really...weird...
*shrugs* oh well...
There's nothing really wrong with weird.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Time is running out...and I can't find the words to say goodbye
Met you for coffee today. It's been far too long since we last sat and talked like we used to. We used to do that a lot actually. You were the first person I ever had deep, theological discussions with. You've been one of the rocks in the foundation of my faith, leading me, guiding me, helping me throughout my entire life. You've been there since the very beginning.
Sure, relation-wise you're my grandfather...but family dynamic-wise? No...you've been my father.
Mom, Erika and I figured this out a couple summers ago. I'm not the oldest grandchild, I am the youngest sister. I'm the baby. You have raised me as your own child.
I think...no, I know...that's why you've always been so hard on me. You've been treating me the way you treated my mom and Erika when they were growing up. You even refer to my grandma as my mother and my mother and aunt as my sisters.
I used to get mad when you'd get on me about school work or some behavioral issue when I was growing up. Ask Mom, I'd complain to her all the time. But now I realize it was because you held me up to a different standard then you ever did for my little siblings. Because, to you, I am your daughter. If we ever brought this up to you, you would probably argue, saying that you know I'm your granddaughter and that's how you treat me but...that is an argument you would lose (which would be new for you *wink* you are so "right" all the time...my finace's like that too...you really do have a lot in common...oh dear...). Grandma, Mom, and Tante would all agree with me...and four against one doesn't look like very good odds...even if you are the great Bob Fay. No matter what you come up against, you always seem to win, don't you?
You've been battling leukemia for how long? How many times have you been through chemo? Yet you've still been playing golf, walking all 18 holes while carrying your own bag...you've been fishing for however long...at one point you were training to run marathons...after retiring at age 50, you created your own janitorial service so that I would have a job and you could teach me all I need to know...you turn 62 in June...
But you've finally come up against something you can't win, haven't you?
Those tumors...spouting mucus into your 'gut sac', as you called it...tiny cysts all over your abdomen...stage 4 cancer...
The doctors always said it wouldn't be the leukemia that killed you...
Instead, you have to wait...wait for these snot tumors to pour enough mucus in your system before your intestines will collapse and create a bowel obstruction...causing you great pain...while the mucus continues screwing everything inside up until...until you're gone...
Your doctor here gave you two choices: surgery or chemo. When you went to Houston to see MD Anderson, they told you the cancer had progressed too far for surgery to be effective. They also said that the chemo was dangerous...without it, you have less than a year. But with it, you could have two to three years...or it could kill you now.
You chose the chemo.
So far, so good.
The doctors are doing this as you feel you can handle it. When it becomes too much for you, they'll stop giving you the treatments.
I saw the tears in your eyes when you said you didn't know if you'd be around to see me walk down the aisle next summer...it took all the strength I had left to not start bawling outside of Starbucks right then and there. You promised you were going to try your hardest to be there; you said you didn't want to rain on my parade and ruin my special day.
I don't give a flying flip if you're there on my wedding day. I just want you to be here. Period. I've already pretty much lost my father because he's a jackass and he abandoned us (though he is making progress...he's trying to stay in contact better...but still). I just lost a major father-figure in my life in a motorcycle accident less than two months ago.
And now I have to figure out how to say goodbye to you...
At least you gave me a warning...I know it's coming...I just don't know how soon...
Oh, Abba...
On the way home from Starbucks, I had KLOVE blaring from my speakers as I sped down the highway with my windows down and tears streaming down my face...all those tears I held back at the coffee shop.
"Love Has Come" by Mark Schultz came on...I remembered hearing it before but it was the second verse that caught my attention:
For anybody who has ever lost a loved one
And you feel like you had to let go too soon
I know it hurts to say goodbye
But don't you know it's just a matter of time 'til the tears are gonna end
You'll see him once again and in that moment
Every knee shall bow, every tongue confess
That God is love and love has come for us all
Every heart set free, everyone will see
That God is love and love has come for us all
Now, I don't believe in coincidences. Coincidences are God's way of staying anonymous. And those words did give me some comfort...but I'm not ready say goodbye...not yet...not again.
I guess that's why, when the topic of kids' names came up the other day, I mentioned wanting my son to have the middle name of Robert. It was good enough for my great grandpa...who served in the Navy, was a semi-pro wrestler, and one of the sweetest men I have ever met in my life. It was good enough for my grandpa, my Poppie...who, while he's gruff and stern, is one of the greatest men I have ever known. He has been through so much yet his faith has never wavered. He's never given up on anything. He's diligent, respectful, honest, straightforward, brave, and brilliant...with a bit of orneriness thrown in there. He has high expectations but that doesn't mean he's not loving in his own fashion. I would be proud to have a son bear his name. I would tell him where he got the name, too. I would tell him all about his great grand-daddy that he'll never get to meet.
Oh, God...I hadn't thought about that yet...
Abba, why?
Why now? Why not years ago...or years in the future? WHY NOW????
Why are you taking everyone away from me?
Have I not lost enough?
I know you have this all planned out but God, I can't understand it at all. I still don't understand why you let my dad do what he did. So how am I supposed to understand this??
Abba...help me...
I can't say goodbye again...my heart can't take it.
Sure, relation-wise you're my grandfather...but family dynamic-wise? No...you've been my father.
Mom, Erika and I figured this out a couple summers ago. I'm not the oldest grandchild, I am the youngest sister. I'm the baby. You have raised me as your own child.
I think...no, I know...that's why you've always been so hard on me. You've been treating me the way you treated my mom and Erika when they were growing up. You even refer to my grandma as my mother and my mother and aunt as my sisters.
I used to get mad when you'd get on me about school work or some behavioral issue when I was growing up. Ask Mom, I'd complain to her all the time. But now I realize it was because you held me up to a different standard then you ever did for my little siblings. Because, to you, I am your daughter. If we ever brought this up to you, you would probably argue, saying that you know I'm your granddaughter and that's how you treat me but...that is an argument you would lose (which would be new for you *wink* you are so "right" all the time...my finace's like that too...you really do have a lot in common...oh dear...). Grandma, Mom, and Tante would all agree with me...and four against one doesn't look like very good odds...even if you are the great Bob Fay. No matter what you come up against, you always seem to win, don't you?
You've been battling leukemia for how long? How many times have you been through chemo? Yet you've still been playing golf, walking all 18 holes while carrying your own bag...you've been fishing for however long...at one point you were training to run marathons...after retiring at age 50, you created your own janitorial service so that I would have a job and you could teach me all I need to know...you turn 62 in June...
But you've finally come up against something you can't win, haven't you?
Those tumors...spouting mucus into your 'gut sac', as you called it...tiny cysts all over your abdomen...stage 4 cancer...
The doctors always said it wouldn't be the leukemia that killed you...
Instead, you have to wait...wait for these snot tumors to pour enough mucus in your system before your intestines will collapse and create a bowel obstruction...causing you great pain...while the mucus continues screwing everything inside up until...until you're gone...
Your doctor here gave you two choices: surgery or chemo. When you went to Houston to see MD Anderson, they told you the cancer had progressed too far for surgery to be effective. They also said that the chemo was dangerous...without it, you have less than a year. But with it, you could have two to three years...or it could kill you now.
You chose the chemo.
So far, so good.
The doctors are doing this as you feel you can handle it. When it becomes too much for you, they'll stop giving you the treatments.
I saw the tears in your eyes when you said you didn't know if you'd be around to see me walk down the aisle next summer...it took all the strength I had left to not start bawling outside of Starbucks right then and there. You promised you were going to try your hardest to be there; you said you didn't want to rain on my parade and ruin my special day.
I don't give a flying flip if you're there on my wedding day. I just want you to be here. Period. I've already pretty much lost my father because he's a jackass and he abandoned us (though he is making progress...he's trying to stay in contact better...but still). I just lost a major father-figure in my life in a motorcycle accident less than two months ago.
And now I have to figure out how to say goodbye to you...
At least you gave me a warning...I know it's coming...I just don't know how soon...
Oh, Abba...
On the way home from Starbucks, I had KLOVE blaring from my speakers as I sped down the highway with my windows down and tears streaming down my face...all those tears I held back at the coffee shop.
"Love Has Come" by Mark Schultz came on...I remembered hearing it before but it was the second verse that caught my attention:
For anybody who has ever lost a loved one
And you feel like you had to let go too soon
I know it hurts to say goodbye
But don't you know it's just a matter of time 'til the tears are gonna end
You'll see him once again and in that moment
Every knee shall bow, every tongue confess
That God is love and love has come for us all
Every heart set free, everyone will see
That God is love and love has come for us all
Now, I don't believe in coincidences. Coincidences are God's way of staying anonymous. And those words did give me some comfort...but I'm not ready say goodbye...not yet...not again.
I guess that's why, when the topic of kids' names came up the other day, I mentioned wanting my son to have the middle name of Robert. It was good enough for my great grandpa...who served in the Navy, was a semi-pro wrestler, and one of the sweetest men I have ever met in my life. It was good enough for my grandpa, my Poppie...who, while he's gruff and stern, is one of the greatest men I have ever known. He has been through so much yet his faith has never wavered. He's never given up on anything. He's diligent, respectful, honest, straightforward, brave, and brilliant...with a bit of orneriness thrown in there. He has high expectations but that doesn't mean he's not loving in his own fashion. I would be proud to have a son bear his name. I would tell him where he got the name, too. I would tell him all about his great grand-daddy that he'll never get to meet.
Oh, God...I hadn't thought about that yet...
Abba, why?
Why now? Why not years ago...or years in the future? WHY NOW????
Why are you taking everyone away from me?
Have I not lost enough?
I know you have this all planned out but God, I can't understand it at all. I still don't understand why you let my dad do what he did. So how am I supposed to understand this??
Abba...help me...
I can't say goodbye again...my heart can't take it.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Sometimes the things you say scare me...even though they shouldn't...I have other things, bigger things to worry about
You know how people always say that girls grow up to marry men exactly like their fathers? I swore to myself I would never do that...not after what he did to my mother.
Now here I am...set to get married next summer...and...I'm not saying you're going to do what my dad did but...ach! YOU ARE SO LIKE HIM SOMETIMES!
All those random times you catch me starting to cry...and I brush it off? It's not because you've upset me or done something to hurt me...it's that you've done or said something exactly like my father would have...and it just...sorta shocks me into a memory of some sort. Even more terrifying is when you channel my grandfather...the other man that I swore I would never marry the same type.
I guess I am just like every other girl out there...marrying a man like the two father figures in my life...
Ach...
My mother says this whole thing is just me finally freaking out about divorce...she says I'm finally letting my fear show through. Well, too bad! I don't want to fear anything, let alone be afraid of gettign married to the love of my life! That's just...STUPID! Bleck...stupid suppressed feelings.
I don't think I'm afraid of getting married...or even the chance of divorce (though that's not going to happen). I'm just afraid of being hurt...again...
So much has been going on...first dad's tumor, then dad leaving, then the break up (or "stupid time" as he calls it), then all the stress of college (needing money, not having it, working two jobs to get it, still not having enough) including classes and work, losing Ken, losing Todd, and now my grandpa, my Poppie...he's so sick...much sicker than I first realized. I'm not blind...I see it, no matter how good of an actor he is. If it was just the cancer, I could handle that...I think. But no, this is the tumors caused by something else...he's doing chemo...but...I have two years...two years, tops, to say goodbye...
I am so tired of saying goodbye...
Damn it...I hate crying...
Today was supposed to be a good day...we got the church reserved, he's almost a shoo-in for the apprenticeship he wanted, I got to visit Todd, and Psych was on tonight (guest starring Wayne Brady)...yet now...all I really want to do is sit here and cry until I fall asleep...instead what I'm doing is writing this, watching The Proposal, and trying not to fall apart...
...and failing...
Now here I am...set to get married next summer...and...I'm not saying you're going to do what my dad did but...ach! YOU ARE SO LIKE HIM SOMETIMES!
All those random times you catch me starting to cry...and I brush it off? It's not because you've upset me or done something to hurt me...it's that you've done or said something exactly like my father would have...and it just...sorta shocks me into a memory of some sort. Even more terrifying is when you channel my grandfather...the other man that I swore I would never marry the same type.
I guess I am just like every other girl out there...marrying a man like the two father figures in my life...
Ach...
My mother says this whole thing is just me finally freaking out about divorce...she says I'm finally letting my fear show through. Well, too bad! I don't want to fear anything, let alone be afraid of gettign married to the love of my life! That's just...STUPID! Bleck...stupid suppressed feelings.
I don't think I'm afraid of getting married...or even the chance of divorce (though that's not going to happen). I'm just afraid of being hurt...again...
So much has been going on...first dad's tumor, then dad leaving, then the break up (or "stupid time" as he calls it), then all the stress of college (needing money, not having it, working two jobs to get it, still not having enough) including classes and work, losing Ken, losing Todd, and now my grandpa, my Poppie...he's so sick...much sicker than I first realized. I'm not blind...I see it, no matter how good of an actor he is. If it was just the cancer, I could handle that...I think. But no, this is the tumors caused by something else...he's doing chemo...but...I have two years...two years, tops, to say goodbye...
I am so tired of saying goodbye...
Damn it...I hate crying...
Today was supposed to be a good day...we got the church reserved, he's almost a shoo-in for the apprenticeship he wanted, I got to visit Todd, and Psych was on tonight (guest starring Wayne Brady)...yet now...all I really want to do is sit here and cry until I fall asleep...instead what I'm doing is writing this, watching The Proposal, and trying not to fall apart...
...and failing...
yellow Gerber daisies and missing you
I visited you today. We were out that way and I wanted to stop by and say hi. I stopped at Dillion's to get you some flowers first. There was the bouquet of bright yellow Gerber daisies that just screamed 'Todd'.
Finding your grave was a little difficult...your headstone isn't up yet but the cemetary was nice enough to put out a plague with your name on it. The dirt they covered you with hasn't sunk all the way back down yet so that helped too. I put the daisies in the vase attached to the plague...wiped the leaves off the plague so your name could be read easier. The sun was high in the sky and beating down. I really just wanted to stretch out on the grass next to you like we used to do in the summers when you, me, and Danielle used to watch the clouds and look for shapes hidden among them. All those memories came rushing back...
Along with the realization that not only will you be missing out on important times left in my life but so will he...
One to two years...
Oh, Abba...
How are we going to handle that?
*sobs*
I don't want to have to...I don't want to...
Haven't I lost enough people already???
Finding your grave was a little difficult...your headstone isn't up yet but the cemetary was nice enough to put out a plague with your name on it. The dirt they covered you with hasn't sunk all the way back down yet so that helped too. I put the daisies in the vase attached to the plague...wiped the leaves off the plague so your name could be read easier. The sun was high in the sky and beating down. I really just wanted to stretch out on the grass next to you like we used to do in the summers when you, me, and Danielle used to watch the clouds and look for shapes hidden among them. All those memories came rushing back...
Along with the realization that not only will you be missing out on important times left in my life but so will he...
One to two years...
Oh, Abba...
How are we going to handle that?
*sobs*
I don't want to have to...I don't want to...
Haven't I lost enough people already???
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Physical beauty has never been a priority in my life...but wow...
Due to the gorgeous weather outside, I decided to change into shorts after choir. Digging around in my bottom drawer, I unearthed the few pairs I still had up here. Much to my surprise, as soon as I fastened the button and zipped the zipper, the shorts promptly proceeded to fall off!!
Honest!!
They slid right back down my legs...to keep them up, I had to pull my belt as tight as it would go. It is fastened in the last hole...
I just bought these shorts at the beginning of last summer...
Here it is, not even a year later...and they are two sizes too big!!!
What?!?!?!
I weighed myself the other day, due to the curiousity of someone who has pointed out they've noticed the change in my physical shape.
25 pounds....
I am 25 pounds lighter than when I started college...
It's not like I've gone on some health craze, only eating fruits and veggies and exercising every day. I don't even eat regular meals like you're supposed to! But I have cut down dramatically on the sugars I used to gorge myself on (with the exception of pop...can't live without my Dr. Pepper and Vanilla Coke) and I do eat better balanced meals. Until this semester the only exercise I got was walking or biking across campus...now I work out three days a week (or at least I try to).
Is that really such a radical change from my old habits?
I don't think so...
But I am not complaining about the results...*grins devilishly*
Honest!!
They slid right back down my legs...to keep them up, I had to pull my belt as tight as it would go. It is fastened in the last hole...
I just bought these shorts at the beginning of last summer...
Here it is, not even a year later...and they are two sizes too big!!!
What?!?!?!
I weighed myself the other day, due to the curiousity of someone who has pointed out they've noticed the change in my physical shape.
25 pounds....
I am 25 pounds lighter than when I started college...
It's not like I've gone on some health craze, only eating fruits and veggies and exercising every day. I don't even eat regular meals like you're supposed to! But I have cut down dramatically on the sugars I used to gorge myself on (with the exception of pop...can't live without my Dr. Pepper and Vanilla Coke) and I do eat better balanced meals. Until this semester the only exercise I got was walking or biking across campus...now I work out three days a week (or at least I try to).
Is that really such a radical change from my old habits?
I don't think so...
But I am not complaining about the results...*grins devilishly*
Monday, March 5, 2012
This is my rebel yell
So today in my LifeSpan Development class, we had a presentation. Four boys, two baseball players and two basketball players, gave a presentation on family diversity. Eventually the topic turned to divorce, something I still have a hard time talking about...
It's like a knife stuck deep in my heart...any mention of the subject just twists it a little more...someday I know the knife will be gone and I will be healed...but not yet...no, not yet...
The topic of divorce ended up quite heated, due to several students from broken homes getting riled up when the presenters started saying their facts were hard facts, nothing to be done about them.
Umm, wrong.
Just because there are a lot of people who, after seeing their parents lose their love for each other, immediately go out and seek a relationship, vowing to love and cherish that person forever then end up divorcing and continuing the cycle their parents started...well, that does not mean we're all like that.
It was pointed out that my parents got divorced a year ago and here I am, engaged and planning my own wedding for next year. Since I'm "following a statistic" by getting married so young, it's only "logical" that my marriage to the man I've known most of my life, who I have loved, still love, and will always love...it is only "logical" that we will get divorced less than 5 years after we are wed.
I don't think so, buddy boy.
I will not repeat my parents' mistakes. I've done a good enough job so far...haven't had sex, haven't gotten pregnant twice out of wedlock, I've made to college and I will graduate.
I will not marry, only to divorce in a few years. What I have with my fiance is real...I wouldn't have agreed to marry him if I didn't want to spend the rest of my life loving him, living with him, going through all life's ups and downs with him.
Just because statistics and trends predict early marriages will end in divorce does not mean they will.
I will not let statistics and trends tell me how my marriage will end. That is a covenant between me, him, and our God.
So you boys who tried to tell me and the others in my class that we have no control over our married lives, that because of our parents' mistakes our love life will end in pain and divorce, you can just take your statistics and shove them where the sun don't shine.
You don't know what you're talking about
It's like a knife stuck deep in my heart...any mention of the subject just twists it a little more...someday I know the knife will be gone and I will be healed...but not yet...no, not yet...
The topic of divorce ended up quite heated, due to several students from broken homes getting riled up when the presenters started saying their facts were hard facts, nothing to be done about them.
Umm, wrong.
Just because there are a lot of people who, after seeing their parents lose their love for each other, immediately go out and seek a relationship, vowing to love and cherish that person forever then end up divorcing and continuing the cycle their parents started...well, that does not mean we're all like that.
It was pointed out that my parents got divorced a year ago and here I am, engaged and planning my own wedding for next year. Since I'm "following a statistic" by getting married so young, it's only "logical" that my marriage to the man I've known most of my life, who I have loved, still love, and will always love...it is only "logical" that we will get divorced less than 5 years after we are wed.
I don't think so, buddy boy.
I will not repeat my parents' mistakes. I've done a good enough job so far...haven't had sex, haven't gotten pregnant twice out of wedlock, I've made to college and I will graduate.
I will not marry, only to divorce in a few years. What I have with my fiance is real...I wouldn't have agreed to marry him if I didn't want to spend the rest of my life loving him, living with him, going through all life's ups and downs with him.
Just because statistics and trends predict early marriages will end in divorce does not mean they will.
I will not let statistics and trends tell me how my marriage will end. That is a covenant between me, him, and our God.
So you boys who tried to tell me and the others in my class that we have no control over our married lives, that because of our parents' mistakes our love life will end in pain and divorce, you can just take your statistics and shove them where the sun don't shine.
You don't know what you're talking about
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Bzz bzz...I am a busy bee...
Wow...that title idea...plain evidence that my brain is fried and I really should go to bed...
Started off my morning with recovering from yesterday...woke up sweating and shaky and couldn't figure out why...my stomach soon reminded me that I hadn't eaten any solid food but for a few bites of a Nutri Grain bar in the past twenty-four hours...fixed that situation
Got started on my research for my five page paper...by 3 o'clock had the entire paper done...
Ran to Taco Bell for lupper for me, my roommate, and our friend from down the hall...
Choked down the food while I got started on my second paper of the day...got distracted by my RA and some of my friends asking me to watch Baby Mama with them. Put aside paper...
Watch Baby Mama, She's All That, and Never Been Kissed with those girls....gorged ourselves on Papa John's...I think I've had enough greasy fast food to last me quite awhile...my poor ulcer...ugh...Hooray for Tums and a tall glass of milk...but the food tasted so good!
After movie time with the girls, I finished up my second paper and watched The House Bunny with my roomie and our friend from down the hall. Now they've gone to bed and I'm still up, watching episodes of Criminal Minds...
I've never seen these before...Shemar Moore's character is so much deeper than I thought...wow...unbelievable...yet it explains so much!
Have I mentioned I love this show? Absolutely fascinating...then again, I am one of the weirdos who find the psychology of serial killers absolutely fascinating...fascinating enough to do a research paper over them for my senior English class...though I probably scarred my sweet teacher for life...but the information was just so...enthralling! The serial killer's brain is just...wow...so much going on...so many reasons why...so many stories...insane...
And now Psych...
Watching Dule Hill for the second time today...completely didn't realize he was in She's All That... wow...
*gurgle gurgle*
Shh, tummy...I already took care of you today...quit being so persnickity...
Holy crow! It's almost one in the morning?
What?!?!?
I know I got a lot done today but...where did the time go?
Meine Gute...
At least both of my papers are done...now all I have to do tomorrow is meet with my group to put together our presentation powerpoint...and then go to the play...then Mock Rock...but those will be fun *grins* I'm excited...
Then begins the week of hell...something major going on every day...
Though Tuesday is my birthday...yay!
Technically, I'm not going to be celebrating it...I mean, I have classes all day and work that night...won't really get to see him or any of my friends outside of class...though I will get Chik fil A for lunch...yummy...
Let's see...
Monday - night classes and choral union
Tuesday - my birthday, Old Testament paper due, study for Lifespan exam
Wednesday - Lifespan exam, study for Old Testament exam, meet for staging
Thursday - Old Testament exam, study for Brit Lit exam
Friday - Brit Lit exam, GO HOME!!!!!!!
Saturday - BREATHE!!!!!!!
Okay...okay...I can do this...just a few more days and then everything will be alright...I can do this...I can get through this...
Abba, help me get through this...please...
Started off my morning with recovering from yesterday...woke up sweating and shaky and couldn't figure out why...my stomach soon reminded me that I hadn't eaten any solid food but for a few bites of a Nutri Grain bar in the past twenty-four hours...fixed that situation
Got started on my research for my five page paper...by 3 o'clock had the entire paper done...
Ran to Taco Bell for lupper for me, my roommate, and our friend from down the hall...
Choked down the food while I got started on my second paper of the day...got distracted by my RA and some of my friends asking me to watch Baby Mama with them. Put aside paper...
Watch Baby Mama, She's All That, and Never Been Kissed with those girls....gorged ourselves on Papa John's...I think I've had enough greasy fast food to last me quite awhile...my poor ulcer...ugh...Hooray for Tums and a tall glass of milk...but the food tasted so good!
After movie time with the girls, I finished up my second paper and watched The House Bunny with my roomie and our friend from down the hall. Now they've gone to bed and I'm still up, watching episodes of Criminal Minds...
I've never seen these before...Shemar Moore's character is so much deeper than I thought...wow...unbelievable...yet it explains so much!
Have I mentioned I love this show? Absolutely fascinating...then again, I am one of the weirdos who find the psychology of serial killers absolutely fascinating...fascinating enough to do a research paper over them for my senior English class...though I probably scarred my sweet teacher for life...but the information was just so...enthralling! The serial killer's brain is just...wow...so much going on...so many reasons why...so many stories...insane...
And now Psych...
Watching Dule Hill for the second time today...completely didn't realize he was in She's All That... wow...
*gurgle gurgle*
Shh, tummy...I already took care of you today...quit being so persnickity...
Holy crow! It's almost one in the morning?
What?!?!?
I know I got a lot done today but...where did the time go?
Meine Gute...
At least both of my papers are done...now all I have to do tomorrow is meet with my group to put together our presentation powerpoint...and then go to the play...then Mock Rock...but those will be fun *grins* I'm excited...
Then begins the week of hell...something major going on every day...
Though Tuesday is my birthday...yay!
Technically, I'm not going to be celebrating it...I mean, I have classes all day and work that night...won't really get to see him or any of my friends outside of class...though I will get Chik fil A for lunch...yummy...
Let's see...
Monday - night classes and choral union
Tuesday - my birthday, Old Testament paper due, study for Lifespan exam
Wednesday - Lifespan exam, study for Old Testament exam, meet for staging
Thursday - Old Testament exam, study for Brit Lit exam
Friday - Brit Lit exam, GO HOME!!!!!!!
Saturday - BREATHE!!!!!!!
Okay...okay...I can do this...just a few more days and then everything will be alright...I can do this...I can get through this...
Abba, help me get through this...please...
Friday, March 2, 2012
One of my favorite poems ever...
The Sugarplum Tree
Have you ever heard of the Sugarplum Tree?
'T is a marvel of great renown!
It blooms on the shore of the Lollipop Sea
In the garden of Shuteye Town;
The fruit that it bears is so wondrously sweet
(As those who have tasted it say)
That good little children have only to eat
Of that fruit to be happy next day.
When you've got to the tree, you would have a hard time
To capture the fruit which I sing;
The tree is so tall that no person could climb
To the boughs where the sugarplums swing!
But up in that tree sits a chocolate cat,
And a gingerbread dog prowls below ---
And this is the way you contrive to get at
Those sugarplums tempting you so:
You say but the word to that gingerbread dog
And he barks with such terrible zest
That the chocolate cat is at once all agog,
As her swelling proportions attest.
And the chocolate cat goes cavorting around
From this leafy limb unto that,
And the sugarplums tumble, of course, to the ground ---
Hurrah for that chocolate cat!
There are marshmallows, gumdrops, and peppermint canes
With stripings of scarlet or gold,
And you carry away of the treasure that rains
As much as your apron can hold!
So come, little child, cuddle closer to me
In your dainty white nightcap and gown,
And I'll rock you away to that Sugarplum Tree
In the garden of Shuteye Town.
- Eugene Field
Someday I hope to be able to read this poem to my children as I tuck them in at night...my grandma did the same for me...I will always remember those nights when she would hold me in her lap as she sat in her rocking chair and read me the greatest stories or sang me sweet lullabies...I want to pass that on to my children...
Have you ever heard of the Sugarplum Tree?
'T is a marvel of great renown!
It blooms on the shore of the Lollipop Sea
In the garden of Shuteye Town;
The fruit that it bears is so wondrously sweet
(As those who have tasted it say)
That good little children have only to eat
Of that fruit to be happy next day.
When you've got to the tree, you would have a hard time
To capture the fruit which I sing;
The tree is so tall that no person could climb
To the boughs where the sugarplums swing!
But up in that tree sits a chocolate cat,
And a gingerbread dog prowls below ---
And this is the way you contrive to get at
Those sugarplums tempting you so:
You say but the word to that gingerbread dog
And he barks with such terrible zest
That the chocolate cat is at once all agog,
As her swelling proportions attest.
And the chocolate cat goes cavorting around
From this leafy limb unto that,
And the sugarplums tumble, of course, to the ground ---
Hurrah for that chocolate cat!
There are marshmallows, gumdrops, and peppermint canes
With stripings of scarlet or gold,
And you carry away of the treasure that rains
As much as your apron can hold!
So come, little child, cuddle closer to me
In your dainty white nightcap and gown,
And I'll rock you away to that Sugarplum Tree
In the garden of Shuteye Town.
- Eugene Field
Someday I hope to be able to read this poem to my children as I tuck them in at night...my grandma did the same for me...I will always remember those nights when she would hold me in her lap as she sat in her rocking chair and read me the greatest stories or sang me sweet lullabies...I want to pass that on to my children...
Thursday, March 1, 2012
I feel older than my years...and I don't mean that because it's almost my birthday
My mom popped up a chat with me on Facebook. I was excited because I haven't talked to her in awhile and while we do have more than our share of issues, I do miss her. But after this conversation...?
"I'd appreciate more than you know if you could babysit that night for me!"
"I think I can...why?"
"Because I have a date"
*facepalm*
"Actually I have a fourth date"
"With who?"
"Someone I know from high school"
*Facebook stalks* *shudders because he looks like my grandpa*
"He's being very gentlemanly. Hasn't tried to touch me at all! We're taking things very slow."
"That's what you said about the other three guys you've had relationships with..."
"But this time is different"
Glad it's different just because you have decided not to have sex...maybe this relationship will last longer than a couple months...or maybe there will be less ex drama involved...
Ugh...
This is one of those times which I feel like I was born in the wrong era. I am all for the kind of relationship where the guy asks permission to hold your hand or to kiss you, where he gives you flowers just because, where you sit on the porch swing (or couch if necessary) just talking and getting to know each other...where you give each other time to have true feelings for each other, deep feelings that last.
Not this new kind of relationship where after a week, you must be meant to be together and that makes it okay to have sex. After a month, you're left broken and feeling used and you "can't believe I wasted all that time with him".
Thank you, Abba...for giving me a relationship like the first option...even if others think otherwise (you're wrong!!)
It's really disturbing to hear about your mother's sexual activity. I'm one of those kids who believes her parents had sex three times...and that's how me, my brother and my sister got here. That's it.
Yet here she is, searching for the need and love that she once had when she was married to my father, finding it in all the wrong places...acting like a dude who thinks with his...well...not his brain.
I shouldn't be surprised seeing as she told me that if I wanted to become sexually active before I got married then to let her know so I could get started on the pill or she could get me some condoms. Yes, she did add that she didn't want me to have sex but that she couldn't tell me know. So instead, with each new boyfriend in high school, I got the same talk...*shivers* that would be a HELL NO! Waiting until I'm married, thank you very much.
She says she's looking for someone to make her happy again and that she wants someone to make happy again.
After being up here at school and going through everything I have in the past couple years, I have realized something.
You don't need to be happy.
No matter what people say, it's not necessary. Yes, it's nice...quite wonderful actually. I love being happy.
But you don't need to be happy.
Trying to make sure you're always happy in life can actually cause you to be very unhappy.
I have learned that instead of needing to be happy, you need to be content. Being content does not always mean you're happy. It means you take what you have and make the most of it. Once you have mastered the art of being content (which I'm getting really very good at), I think you will be truly happy. If you take what you are given and make the most of it instead of worrying, complaining, arguing, despairing or anything of the life, then you can be happy.
Being content can lead to being happy.
So, be content with the job you have, the family you have, the friends you have...the life you have...instead of going out and causing yourself unhappiness and regret and anger and depression and all that just to be "happy"
Doesn't seem very happy to me...
"I'd appreciate more than you know if you could babysit that night for me!"
"I think I can...why?"
"Because I have a date"
*facepalm*
"Actually I have a fourth date"
"With who?"
"Someone I know from high school"
*Facebook stalks* *shudders because he looks like my grandpa*
"He's being very gentlemanly. Hasn't tried to touch me at all! We're taking things very slow."
"That's what you said about the other three guys you've had relationships with..."
"But this time is different"
Glad it's different just because you have decided not to have sex...maybe this relationship will last longer than a couple months...or maybe there will be less ex drama involved...
Ugh...
This is one of those times which I feel like I was born in the wrong era. I am all for the kind of relationship where the guy asks permission to hold your hand or to kiss you, where he gives you flowers just because, where you sit on the porch swing (or couch if necessary) just talking and getting to know each other...where you give each other time to have true feelings for each other, deep feelings that last.
Not this new kind of relationship where after a week, you must be meant to be together and that makes it okay to have sex. After a month, you're left broken and feeling used and you "can't believe I wasted all that time with him".
Thank you, Abba...for giving me a relationship like the first option...even if others think otherwise (you're wrong!!)
It's really disturbing to hear about your mother's sexual activity. I'm one of those kids who believes her parents had sex three times...and that's how me, my brother and my sister got here. That's it.
Yet here she is, searching for the need and love that she once had when she was married to my father, finding it in all the wrong places...acting like a dude who thinks with his...well...not his brain.
I shouldn't be surprised seeing as she told me that if I wanted to become sexually active before I got married then to let her know so I could get started on the pill or she could get me some condoms. Yes, she did add that she didn't want me to have sex but that she couldn't tell me know. So instead, with each new boyfriend in high school, I got the same talk...*shivers* that would be a HELL NO! Waiting until I'm married, thank you very much.
She says she's looking for someone to make her happy again and that she wants someone to make happy again.
After being up here at school and going through everything I have in the past couple years, I have realized something.
You don't need to be happy.
No matter what people say, it's not necessary. Yes, it's nice...quite wonderful actually. I love being happy.
But you don't need to be happy.
Trying to make sure you're always happy in life can actually cause you to be very unhappy.
I have learned that instead of needing to be happy, you need to be content. Being content does not always mean you're happy. It means you take what you have and make the most of it. Once you have mastered the art of being content (which I'm getting really very good at), I think you will be truly happy. If you take what you are given and make the most of it instead of worrying, complaining, arguing, despairing or anything of the life, then you can be happy.
Being content can lead to being happy.
So, be content with the job you have, the family you have, the friends you have...the life you have...instead of going out and causing yourself unhappiness and regret and anger and depression and all that just to be "happy"
Doesn't seem very happy to me...
Mushy gushiness
"That means it goes on forever.
Not five-ever, because that's dumbBut forever, because that's how long and how much I'll love you.
Got it?"
*happy sigh*
You know there are days where I worry...worry because we spend so little time together and rarely see each other and maybe the whole "out of sight, out of mind" might come back...which I know is pointless...hello, we're engaged! But my stupid insecurities...they have loud voices...
But, most likely unconciously, you always stop those insecurities right in their tracks with some sweet thing...like the message at the beginning...
Mhm...I love you...
Curses...
Abba, you're just showing off today, aren't you?
It's so gorgeous outside...the sky is so blue, the grass is becoming green again, the breeze is warm on my skin...
If only I weren't confined to my room, a slave to my heating pad...ach...I hate being a woman...
Curses...
Curses upon curses...
I WANT TO BE OUTSIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bike riding, strolling...oh my goodness today would be the perfect day to go to the zoo...oooooooo...*sigh* i'll save that for a nice Saturday later on...get a group of people together and explore the awesomeness that is the Kansas City Zoo...*grins*
But for now....confinement inside...blargh...
I just hope today doesn't become a repeat of last month though...I especially don't want to miss another day of work since I'm already missing next Friday...ugh...stupid uterus...
It's so gorgeous outside...the sky is so blue, the grass is becoming green again, the breeze is warm on my skin...
If only I weren't confined to my room, a slave to my heating pad...ach...I hate being a woman...
Curses...
Curses upon curses...
I WANT TO BE OUTSIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bike riding, strolling...oh my goodness today would be the perfect day to go to the zoo...oooooooo...*sigh* i'll save that for a nice Saturday later on...get a group of people together and explore the awesomeness that is the Kansas City Zoo...*grins*
But for now....confinement inside...blargh...
I just hope today doesn't become a repeat of last month though...I especially don't want to miss another day of work since I'm already missing next Friday...ugh...stupid uterus...
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