Last night was quite nice indeed.
Since he left before I could come back and say goodbye, I decided to stay with my new friend (hi Lindsay!) while she closed down Bell Center. Afterwards, we took a walk around campus, ending up in the rocking chairs on the front porch of the dorms. We just talked...a lot! Yes, we talked about him but we talked about me and about her too.
In the end, I think we talked about him most. But it wasn't in a way that he should ever be afraid or worried. We talk about him to each other because the both of us understand him...whether he thinks we do or not.
She sees that he has his flaws and she points them out, honestly not wanting to hurt him but because she wants to help be a better man. I see his flaws but I also see everything good and wonderful about him.
I see his passion, his faith, his loyalty, his intelligence, and his talent. I see his mushy, romantic side that he shows from time to time. I see his honesty and his sense of humor. I see how he cares, how he loves. I see him, plain and simple. I see everything about him, good and bad, and I still love him with all my heart.
My friend and I, we talk about all these things. I quite enjoy talking to her, honestly. I just wish it didn't cause him such strife. She and I understand each other. We've both been through the same thing with him...I think that's part of the reason why I like talking to her so much. I can talk to her about the "stupid time" and she doesn't withdraw the way he does. It's not something any of us want to remember, let alone relive, but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be something we talk about. If we don't talk about it, everything we feel about that time is just going to build up inside of us, and one day it will explode. That is a mess none of us need to deal with. So why not get it all out now, especially seeing as he and I are getting married next year? I don't want any of this hanging over our heads once we're married.
You know the saying "Forgive and forget"? He's forgotten...but he hasn't forgiven.
I'm not even saying he needs to forgive her...that's not what I mean at all. He needs to forgive himself.
I've lost count of how many times he's apologized to me for abandoning me, letting me down, hurting me. I've forgiven him. I forgave him the first day I saw him again after all that time.
My facebook is changing over to timeline and I had the opportunity to go through everything and edit it today. Going back through and reading all my statuses and notes from those three months...each one felt like a knife in my gut again. It's not even just because I lost him anymore...but because there was so much hurt all around (as I am learning now).
You say you don't want me to be friends with her, that you don't like the reminder of what happened...but I like being friends with her and I don't see her as a reminder. I see her as someone who understands and empathizes.
All the memories are like little monsters with big bites...but they're easy to conquer...it just takes time...and forgiveness...
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