Sometimes the things you say scare me...even though they shouldn't...I have other things, bigger things to worry about

You know how people always say that girls grow up to marry men exactly like their fathers? I swore to myself I would never do that...not after what he did to my mother.


Now here I am...set to get married next summer...and...I'm not saying you're going to do what my dad did but...ach! YOU ARE SO LIKE HIM SOMETIMES!


All those random times you catch me starting to cry...and I brush it off? It's not because you've upset me or done something to hurt me...it's that you've done or said something exactly like my father would have...and it just...sorta shocks me into a memory of some sort. Even more terrifying is when you channel my grandfather...the other man that I swore I would never marry the same type.


I guess I am just like every other girl out there...marrying a man like the two father figures in my life...

Ach...


My mother says this whole thing is just me finally freaking out about divorce...she says I'm finally letting my fear show through. Well, too bad! I don't want to fear anything, let alone be afraid of gettign married to the love of my life! That's just...STUPID! Bleck...stupid suppressed feelings.


I don't think I'm afraid of getting married...or even the chance of divorce (though that's not going to happen). I'm just afraid of being hurt...again...


So much has been going on...first dad's tumor, then dad leaving, then the break up (or "stupid time" as he calls it), then all the stress of college (needing money, not having it, working two jobs to get it, still not having enough) including classes and work, losing Ken, losing Todd, and now my grandpa, my Poppie...he's so sick...much sicker than I first realized. I'm not blind...I see it, no matter how good of an actor he is. If it was just the cancer, I could handle that...I think. But no, this is the tumors caused by something else...he's doing chemo...but...I have two years...two years, tops, to say goodbye...


I am so tired of saying goodbye...


Damn it...I hate crying...



Today was supposed to be a good day...we got the church reserved, he's almost a shoo-in for the apprenticeship he wanted,  I got to visit Todd, and Psych was on tonight (guest starring Wayne Brady)...yet now...all I really want to do is sit here and cry until I fall asleep...instead what I'm doing is writing this, watching The Proposal, and trying not to fall apart...

...and failing...