I sing in the silence to keep the darkness at bay

My eyes are dry, my eyelids heavy. My brain is tired and sluggish. My body is just...exhausted.


But can I fall asleep?


No. Of course not.


Why?


Because I can't stop thinking about this summer.



It's going to be rough. And I'm not looking forward to it. This summer, of all my summers, was supposed to be the best. I was to be married to the love of my life. I wouldn't have to deal with my mother and her constant pushing to move back in. I was supposed to work and save my money to pay for school. It was supposed to be fun and wonderful and now...


Now I'm no longer getting married. Instead, I get to be separated from my fiance for the entire summer. I now have a summer class I have to take or my entire school schedule gets thrown off but I don't have the money for it. My mother has already started nagging me about moving back in even though there is no room for me (no matter what she says).




I don't want summer to come.




The past three summers have been awful. Just plain awful. First, my dad left. Then my mom got super clingy and I just couldn't wait to go to college. Last summer, it got so bad I moved out of my house and into my in-law's basement. It was finally supposed to get better.



Guess I was just hoping for too much.




All of this wouldn't be so hard if my fiance was going to be there for it all. But he won't. He'll most likely be living an hour away, having a fantastic time living on his own and doing what he likes. Meanwhile, I'll be stuck at home with all the drama and crap and I'll be alone.



I just...I know he needs this job. And I know it will be good for him to live on his own and see what the world is really like without being pampered by his parents. But I need him. I need his arms around me after a long and stressful day. I need his voice in my ear telling me he loves me. I need to see the smile on his face. I just need him.



God, this is going to be so hard.




I've been crying pretty much most of the afternoon. Just because I can't stop thinking about this freaking summer. I hate it. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to feel this way. I want to be happy for him without anything else to poison that. But I can't. I just...I feel like there's a hole inside me and it just keeps growing the closer it gets to summer time. I know I'm counting down the days until school is out but really I'm keep track of how many days I have left to see him each night...27, by the way.



Abba...I need some strength right about now. I'm struggling. I can't do this alone but the physical shoulder I usually cry on won't be by my side for much longer.



God...I just hate the sound of that. I hate it. I hate that I've been crying so much and I hate how we've hardly seen each other the past couple months and I hate how we seem to be struggling and I hate how we're going to be separated.


I hate it.



Do you understand that?


I hate it.



Damn it...now I can't stop crying. No wonder I can't fall asleep.



I really just want to curl up against his chest and cry this whole thing out...but it's late, open dorms are over, and he'd probably just try to talk it out and get me to calm down. That's not going to work right now. I really do just need to cry it out...I just...I can't.



I heard this song on the radio earlier and now it's stuck in my head:

Just give me a reason,
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second, we're not broken, just bent
We can learn to love again.
Oh, it's in the stars,
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken, just bent
And we can learn to love again.


"It's been written in the scars on our hearts. We're not broken, just bent."


All the memories, all the pain from the last time we were separated and all that happened...it's written on my heart. I had forgotten it all...but with the probablities of this summer looming over our heads, it's all coming back. At one point, I was broken. I was fixed...but everything it's just all too much. I'm not broken, just bent...



It's going to take me quite some time to reconcile this whole summer in my heart. I go from getting married to being separated from my fiance. That's a big change, a heartbreaking one.


I know that, with my Abba's help, I will get through it. I just have to keep telling myself that. Right now, it's just too hard...unbelievable. Hopefully someday, soon, I will believe it wholeheartedly.


I wish I could stop crying. Maybe I'll cry long enough or hard enough that I'll cry myself to sleep. That may be the only way I get some sleep tonight.


Tomorrow brings another day. Hopefully I can be a little more positive. Doubtful...but I'll try.


Goodnight, world...enjoy the rain outside.