More than Words is All I Ever Needed You to Show...or Really Just Anything...

Abba, please don't take him away.


I know...I know...Your will be done...but...please...


Don't take him away from me.


I know he needs an internship this summer and I know that means he'll probably end up somewhere else (Memphis is most likely right now). I know he needs the experience. That's why I haven't voiced any of my fears or cried in tears...at least not in front of him. I have tried to hug him tighter and hold him longer. I want him to know that I will support him in whatever choice he ends up making. We're going to be married and I want him to know he can count on me for anything.


But I'm scared...


The last time we were separated, things did not go well. Just an hour between us and our relationship fell apart...


You see, he has this sort of "out of sight, out of mind" thing. And there were a lot of beautiful girls he had never met before at his college. And I was way out of sight an hour away in our home town. He ended up crushing on another girl. He never cheated on me; in fact, he told me all about this girl. He wanted me to know that he found her attractive and he had been spending a lot of time with her. Not great things to tell your girlfriend whose dad had just left her mom for another woman just a few months before. I repeat, he never cheated. He was honest and up front. And he broke up with me...and started dating said girl a few weeks later.


Now, he tells me he learned his lesson. He says he realized that I am the only girl he really wants, the only one he truly loves. And I try really hard to believe that. But sometimes my insecurities drown out his words. I wasn't enough once...what if that is true at some other point in his life?


Anyway...I just...I worry about what could happen to our relationship if he's all the way in Memphis or Anchorage or wherever else for three months straight. You know how in movies, when the guy and girl are separated for whatever reason, they write letters to each other and talk on the phone every night? You know how wonderful and adorable and thoughtful that is? Yeah...it wouldn't happen with us. He'd get too busy or too distracted and he would forget. He forgets me enough already (at least it feels like it). I don't need hundreds of miles between us to emphasize that.


I've gotten to the point where I just deal with this internally. I've brought it up so many times and nothing ever really happens. He says it will, promises he'll change, he'll be super mushy for a couple days, and then things go back to the way they were before. I just gave up trying to get him to see.

It's a simple fact that he keeps missing. My love language, is Quality Time. That means I know I'm loved when he (and people in general) makes the effort to spend time with me or to make sure I know I'm on his mind. From my point of view, that lets me know he cares and that I matter to him. It tells me, without the use of words, that he loves me. You know that 80s power ballad "More Than Words"...yeah that's my jam. The second verse and chorus in particular:

Now that I've tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me
Hold me close don't ever let me go
More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
'Cause I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you

For me, it takes more than just parroting "I love you" back and forth or random cuddle session to prove love. Don't get me wrong, those things wonderful. I can't tell him I love him enough and I can barely keep my hands off him when he's around...I just love holding him close and feeling him next to me. But I have learned that words and caresses, no matter how passionate, can be cruel lies. After what I've been through and seen in life, I need more than that. And that is what he overlooks.

Of course then, when I do mention it, I feel like that awful girlfriend. You know, the one that's all clingy and demanding, who nags her man all the time, the one everyone just wants to punch in the face? Yeah. That one. So I've stopped mentioning it. It doesn't change things and I haven't figured out a different way to try. The only time it really comes up anymore is when he happens to catch me at a low point and I just pour it all out in a bucketful of tears...which doesn't do any good.

But seriously...it's not a healthy mindset for me. I try to do all these little things to show him how much I love and appreciate him...like random flowers or a candy bar or a cd or book or even a little note every now and then. What do I get? A promise of a birthday date...that hasn't happened even after a month after my birthday. Part of that was timing but still. Ugh. I feel like...I feel like something is missing our relationship. Something is left unfulfilled. And I want to fix it. But I don't know how. And right now he's too busy to even see me...(stupid freaking play...just two more days...JUST TWO MORE DAYS!!!!!)


So, long rant short, I guess that's my selfish reason for not wanting him to go away for the summer. I don't want him to leave me and forget me even more than he already has...

That's another thing (sorry, more ranting. I apologize. I'm in a mood. I just sat for an hour, all dolled up, surrounded by guys committed to pampering me and disgustingly cute couples, and I couldn't truly enjoy it. Because all I could do was sit there and wish he was with me. Ugh. I'm pathetic. Anyway. So now I'm ranting on here...because I can). When I have talked to him about how I feel forgotten, he says it's not his fault, it's his busy schedule. I understand he's in a play (which I can't wait for to be done...but I can't tell him that because then I'll feel like a bitchy fiance for not supporting him in the things he enjoys doing. Which I do support him. I just get frustrated when it consumes his life and he forgets me. See above paragraph for rant on that subject) and that he has a job and homework but I have a busy schedule too. I have two jobs in two different cities, tons of papers and other assorted homework to do, and yet I still make time for him. He is my fiance and my best friend therefore I have made him a priority in my life. I don't feel like he's on that same page. And honestly, that thought hurt...a lot. We're getting married for crying out loud! We have reached that point in our lives where we need to come first in each other's lives (second to God, of course).


Though he did say the other day that he was glad we postponed the wedding because he realized he wasn't ready to get married yet. Thanks for that. If that's true, then...WHY DID YOU PROPOSE IN THE FIRST PLACE??? *heavy sigh* sorry...I just. Ugh. That wasn't easy to hear from him. And I'm sure if you ask him, he'll jump in and say it has nothing to with me, just how he feels about things. But geez! That just...it was like a surprise punch in the gut. Even though it shouldn't have been a surprise because he asked to postpone the wedding in the first place.



ANYWAY!!!



Sorry...like I said...I'm in a mood.



And I'm sure this is unexpected for you, reader...especially since I wrote an entry all about how much I love him just the other day. And I do love him. Everything in that entry is true. None of those feelings have changed nor will they ever change. But nobody is perfect. Everyone has their flaws. I'm sure if you asked him he could come up with quite a list of my flaws. What it comes down to in the end is that I love him and I don't want to lose him therefore I want to fix any problems, one-sided or whatever, in our relationship.


Wow...this post got a lot more muddled than I planned. *shrugs* I guess I just had a lot to say...even if it's not very coherant. Now I guess I'll finally go change out of my brand new dress, undo my hair, and wash off my makeup...time for yoga pants, ice cream, and 80s music.


You know what? It's no fun to wear cute dresses and go through all the dolling up...if the person you do it for doesn't see you. I just wish I could have at least seen him for a little bit...but instead he went out to eat with the cast (at least that's what I was told) and I didn't even hear from him when I texted him...


See what I mean about the forgetting?



Prayers please, any readers out there. Because I need them.