This really just isn't my day...at least it's raining...

I just don't know what's wrong with me today.


I mean...yes, I know, it's Bren's birthday. And that's been gnawing at my heart all day.



But I just haven't been able to really smile or even laugh all day...


First, there was church.


My fiance and I started going to this new church. It's a small non-denominational congregation. And when I say small, I mean small. Less than 50 people come to the one service each Sunday. It's nothing fancy...simple music, bread and grape juice for communion, slides to go along with the sermon...no big deal. The people seem to create a super tight community. Everyone knows everyone and all the kids play with each other and whoever's mom is closest keeps watch over the whole bunch.


Seems great, right?


When I look back at what I wrote, it sounds to me like the perfect church. But when I'm sitting in the service, I can't help but feel on edge. My spine is all tense; I just can't focus. I feel isolated. I know...6 people...wait...7. I met someone new today. The only reason I know that many is because two go to my school, and four are the mom, dad, sister, and brother-in-law of one of those kids. The seventh person introduced herself to me today. She seems really nice...married with three adorable little boys.


But other than that...I just feel...lost. How does one feel lost in such a small group? I feel lost and alone while my fiance is pratically bouncing in his seat because he loves it so much and it's so wonderful and it's "just like how my old church used to be!" Yay for you. In all his excitement, he keeps asking me what I think and can we do this and don't you just love it here?!


No. No, I don't. I am an introvert, I don't like new people, and I hate being put into situations where I don't know what to do.


I'm sure next semester when we start going here every Sunday I'll be fine. By then, I won't be stressed out over school and work and just life in general. At least..not AS stressed. Also, I'll have the time to get involved. I've been to this church twice. Twice. The first time was almost a month ago. The second time was today. I will be able to go two, maybe three times, before we go home for the summer break. I don't have the time to commit to this right now. I'm not going to throw myself into making new friends and creating all these connections when I'm going to be leaving for 3 and half months in 34 days. No thanks, I'm good. It just doesn't make sense to me to do so.



Also, and you can roll your eyes at me for this but I have my insecurites and if you know me you know I have a perfectly good excuse, I still don't feel comfortable being around my fiance's co-star from the play he's in. She's tall, blond, beautiful, talented...and he's told me he found (if not still finds) her attractive. Meanwhile, our wedding was just postponed. I KNOW I KNOW IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT...but I am an irrational girl who tends to be emotional and extremely insecure. Bite me. She just...puts me on edge as well (and no, sitting in church and feeling that way doesn't have anything to do with her. The feelings are seperate).


Ugh. I hate myself for what I just wrote. Especially since it's probably going to rile him up and get him asking all kinds of questions. Oh well. I had to write about it. It's what's on my mind today.


Bleck.




Sometimes I really do just hate myself. Because I can't be what everyone wants me to be. Happy. Carefree. Available (not in the single kind of way, in the time kind of way).


Sorry, guys. I'm currently sucking at life. Come back later.