Hear Fall's tread, the crunching of scarlet leaves...

Walking outside at 8 o'clock this morning to head to class and glancing at the weather update on my phone to see it say 34 degrees...was shocking...


....brrrrrr....


While I was already bundled up in my peacoat and gloves, it wasn't quite enough...

I suppose a good scraf and maybe a hat would've been best to add to the ensemble but... *shrugs* i don't have either...well...I don't have a scarf...i have a hat...somewhere...hmm...must look for that...


Anyways...


Today was a good day...been rather busy...and am off to my powderpuff game and then to my man's to finish watching Fireproof...

I will speak with you later....

My pen is my sword...

How many stories can I write in a week's time?


So far, I'm up to three...plus an old one that I'm rewriting...and just started a new one today...



Hmm...



I'm quite enjoying this little writing spree...it's been fantastic!


One of these days, I'm going to finish my Mein Engel novel and send it in...Kara will kill me if I don't...haha...but I will finish it...and hopefully, find some way to send it in...


I want to send in my shorts too...do some sort of comp with all of the better ones like One More Round, Nightmare, Another Nightmare, Betrayal...

I'll want to add The Shadow Man and Two Colors once they're finished...oh, and Amazing Harmony too.

*sigh*

So many stories to tell...

There is a castle on a cloud...

Ahh, I love college...


Especially when you go to your least favorite class and then your professor comes in and says the class is canceled because he has a cold and wouldn't be able to speak for the whole class...


Glorious!


Heading back to my room, I remembered my roommate would still be sleeping...so I snuck in and grabbed my laptop and am now cozied up in the lobby, wasting time until chapel.



It's gray and chilly days like this that make me long for a fireplace...ahhh....

One day, in a house of my own...I hope there will be a room with a fireplace...I'll line the walls with shelves for my books and will place a rocking chair by the fire for those cold nights when I want to lose myself in another world...

Ahh...perfection...

Blow, blow, thou winter wind...

...this weather is so dreary...

just makes me want to crawl back to bed with a good book and curl up under my pile of blankets...


*sigh*



this weekend ended up being pretty awesome...yeah I got sick Friday but I recovered quickly and sure, there was a crapload of drama that I did NOT need...but hey, I got to see people I haven't seen in weeks who I've missed a lot...and had some great time with my man too *smiles* Mhm...a good weekend overall....


...and now I'm back at school...where I love the freedom but hate the fact that I don't seem to have enough time to enjoy all that I want to...hmm...


And now to hopefully retrieve my costume for the choir concert, provided the costume lady is actually there now...I hate doing things last minute...bleck...

Now I'm the girl on fire...

Either I've suddenly become terrified of fires...or my dreams now are taking on an extremely symbolic trait...


Last night was the third night in the past week that I've had that dream...


It starts out so beautiful...just me and him lying on blanket in the middle of a meadow surrounded by a gorgeous forest...it's peaceful and beautiful and I never want to leave...


And then suddenly, he's gone and the forest around me erupts into fiercely hot flames...and I can't escape...there's no where to turn...I'm calling his name, I'm calling for help, but nothing happens except that the flames find they love the taste of my skin...


I wake crying and choking on my screams...


Last night, it was the same dream...


Except this time I knew what was going to happen and I tried to tell him but he brushed me off, saying we were safe and that he'd never leave me...

And then, again, he was gone...the tears started flowing but this time I didn't try to run...I just stood there and let the fire dance up my arms...the last thought that ran through my head was that I'd rather feel this burning pain than the sinking hole his leaving had put in my heart...



Abba, what do these dreams mean, if they even mean anything? Why do I keep having them? Even when my eyes are open, the images are still burned (no pun intended) into my brain...





.....I just want it to stop.....

Can I be your Nemo?

I feel like I've been hit in the gut...

Except I'm the one who threw the punch...

That was stupid...why did I do that?

I knew you were joking but I dunno, I guess I wanted to see what you would do...

So I gathered my things and left, just like you said to...





...you didn't follow me...




I walked slowly to give you time to catch up...when I opened the outside door to leave, I expected to hear you say "Don't go!"...once outside, I waited to see if you'd follow or at least look out your window...


...you didn't...


........................that hurt...........................

So I unlocked my bike and pedaled home...the tears started once I got back to my dorm...


Not even a text message asking me where I'd gone...


I guess, in a way, I was testing you...to see if you cared enough to follow me, even if it turned out I was joking...


As a test, you failed...

I think what hurts the most is that I expected you to come after me...it just seemed like something you'd do...but I guess not...


When I did hear from you, it was on Facebook...and it didn't help really at all...every time I asked what YOU wanted, you evaded the question, turning it back to me, wanting to know what I wanted to do...I told you and asked again and you replied, saying that actually you need to head to bed soon...

...add salt to the wound...


We said goodnight...you first, then I...but you never said those three words I was waiting to hear...and promptly got off after I said goodnight, so I couldn't even tell you the words myself...

So here I am, crying, wanting to go to bed and escape into my nightmares but knowing I won't be able to sleep  because I'll be kept up, stewing over this stupid thing because it isn't resolved...


...*heavy sigh*....


My mind is agruing with me...one side says it's my fault and I'm a terrible person for doing that...but the other says that it doesn't matter, you should have followed anyway, even if it was just to let me back inside the building...

.........I hate this..........


Abba, help me...I need comfort and understanding and Your heavenly peace...please...


Please...



Since I know you'll read this eventually...the whole thing was stupid and I'd take it back in an instant...but I really did just want to know if you'd follow me...


I love you, with everything I have, and nothing is going to EVER change that...if it hasn't changed after all this time and all that we've been through, then this stupid thing isn't going to change that either....


I guess I just want to hear you say it's okay and nothing to worry about, just a big misunderstanding...


..................*sigh*.............................


That's it....


I'm going to bed now...prehaps, for once, I'll find comfort in my nightmares...doubt it...I'll wake screaming again...

Music is always playing in my head...

La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la lala lalalalalalalalalala...



Yup...that's right...I'm singing on here...haha...

All day today, random bits of VERY random songs have been popping in and out of my head...

First, it was P!ATD's "This is Halloween"...

...then "Day after day, all the prince ever does is practice, practice, practice!"

......and then "I got CHILLS! They're multiplyin'! And I'm losing control cuz the power you're supplyin'...it's ELECTRIFYIN'!!!!!!"

yup...just random songs...


though I guess they're all from movies...so maybe not so random...hmm...oh well...


I'm glad I have a soundtrack playing in my head...it's comforting...and the songs usually have something to do with what's going on in my life...though I'm not sure what the three I've mentioned do...hmm...*shrugs*

....................................................*sigh*...........................................................


I know I'm not a very patient person but...SNAIL MAIL SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!! I know I just mailed that letter yesterday...and it's only Monday....but UGH!!!!!! I want an answer and I want it now!!!! *grimaces*

This letter is going to change my life...and my mom's life...and my siblings' lives...and his life...


Him...Joshua...

*sigh*

I haven't even met him but I already love him...

He is my brother after all...half-brother, really...but who cares?

Ach...I've been dying to meet him or even just contact him for almost 8 years...and finally...


FINALLY!!!!
Finally, I can...

Now I just have to wait for him to get the letter...and reply?


*sigh*

What if he doesn't reply?

What if he hates me?

What if? What if?


What and if are two of the world's most innocent words...until they're put next to each other...and then they have the power to ruin everything...


*sigh*

I hope he at least replies...just to know that he IS actually there...and knows who I am...that's really all I can ask for...ach...