I cannot believe you

Since this is my blog and I can say what I want...



Fuck you.



Take your whore and your new life and leave me in peace.




I thought things were changing, improving...


Then you dropped off the map again...only to show up again newly married (in Vegas, no less...yeah, that shows true commitment...you hate Vegas, asshole, remember?) without telling anyone and you expect us to be happy for you???


And I quote: "Been married a week and only 1 family member has said congrats, WTF??"


Yeah...because we're all so thrilled you finally married the skank you left my mother for...the one who's done so much damage to the rest of us .



"She's my new wife and your step mom and you just have to deal with it."



Fuck that.



(I hate you for making me break my non-cussing streak...just add that to the long list)




She will never in any way be a mother figure to me...she will always be the lying slut you abandoned us for.



I don't have to deal with it, you know why?



Because you have no say in my life anymore.


Not only did you walk away but now I'm an adult, living on my own, taking care of myself. You assist me in no such fashion...I get no money from you, I get no support from you. The most you've done is said you're proud of me. Damn right you better be. Because I didn't end up like you, with a baby fresh out of high school. I've already attended college longer than you did. Great role model you are.


The only thing...the ONLY thing you can claim to have done for me...is that because you left us, causing us to live in such a level of poverty we hadn't reached before, I was able to recieve more money from the government through my FAFSA.


But really...that's just because you weren't making any money and neither was Mom at the time we filed.



"Your mother just needs to get over it too."



Guess what, dumbass? She has! Sure, what you did to her has left her insecure and fragile but she's found a man who treats her like you should have, who wants to marry her, take care of her and us, and grow old with her. He wants to sacrifice for her, wants to make her smile. Did you ever want to do that?



Doubt it.



You're a damn good actor, Dad



But stay away from me.


You have no part in my life from now on.



Oh, and consider yourself officially uninvited to my wedding.



Don't think you can make me change my mind this time.



Get the hell outta my life. You're done hurting me.

Progress

It's a wheel turning,
A tripping trot up a hill.
It's the colors of the world
Brightening, sharpening.
It's journey not just from A to B,
But from A to S or even T.
It's a raging crowd
Pushing, extending the boundaries.

Some stand and curse the skies,
Crying out in anger, saying
What good is this thing called "progress",
What is gained from this trouble?
Is it worth the tumult caused?

And then, the top of the hill,
That sweet curve, sits under our feet.
Our journey is over; progress reached.
The shining green life surrounds us all
As we stand in the midst
Of all we had dreamed.

Is This Love?

I was unexpected
But you still sacrificed,
You still fought for me,
You still love me.

Never once in my childhood
Did I doubt that you cared;
There was nothing I could do
To make you not love me.

Then you left; you walked away.
Nothing said could change your mind
Yet you yelled over your shoulder
As you disappeared: "I still love you!"

How is that possible
How can you say you still love me
As you abandon everything
That you worked and sacrificed for?

I don't understand, Daddy,
You fought so hard to be in my lfie
Then you walked away,
Leaving me alone out in the cold

How is that love?
How can you say you still care?
I don't know if I believe you;
I don't think I do...

No, I don't want to think about that right now

As I sit writing my Lifespan paper, I'm listening to my It's Your Love radio station on Pandora. All the good, classic country love songs make me think of him...I miss him. We've barely been able to spend time together lately...our lives have just gotten so busy. So I've been letting my mind wander...remembering some of my favorite times with him (like when we were at his aunt's house for the 4th of July and we rode out across her land on a 4-wheeler...or that day we used our SHARP passes to skip school and we went to the zoo and the trails...). Each song that played just made me miss him more...made my heart skip a couple beats as I thought about how much I love him and how I can't believe God gave him to me, especially since we're both still so young.



And then Tim McGraw's song "My Little Girl" came on...and all my happy memories disappeared...



That was the song Mom and I had always talked about being the song for the daddy/daughter dance at my wedding...



It was one of the few country songs that my dad was okay with...and that was only because of what the song talked about...not the artist or the actual music.


I couldn't skip that song fast enough.



You know what song came up next?


"Stay" by Sugarland



That's a cheating song... and not just any cheating song. A cheating song from the point of view of the other woman.



Now I know how the song ends...she decides she's not going to be the other woman anymore, she's done asking him to stay.


But still...




Yeah...because I totally wanted to go from my mushy gushy lovey dovey thoughts to...remembering my life, at least when it comes to my family, is broken and will never be the way it used to be. It's been two years since Dad cheated on Mom with Shannon...but the pain is still so fresh, there are days it takes my breath away.




Back when my parents first got married, and they were still in love...I used to look at them, at my dad stopping to buy my mom purple roses after work, my mom making dad apple crisp in the summer because it was his favorite, the two of them sitting on the back porch, mom's head on his shoulder, dad's arm around her as they just sat and enjoyed nature and the company of each other...I used to look at them and hope someday I would have a love like that...



I don't want a love like that if it just leads to where I am now.



But my Abba gave me my man...and even though we've had our ups and downs, I know our love is different than that of my parents...our love is the kind that I truly wanted...the kind that does all those things...but doesn't sour. Instead, my love for my man grows stronger each day...I swear when I die, it's going to be because my heart burst because it couldn't get any fuller...hehe


*sigh*



Okay, I feel better now...back to my Lifespan paper.

And on that day...

Watching Friends with my roommate while I finish up my lesson plan for tomorrow...
It was the episode where Chandler and Monica get married.



The butterflies returned to my stomach as I realized...



That's going to be me and him next year...




That will be him standing at the front of the room, waiting for me to enter and walk down the aisle. That will be us saying our vows, exchanging rings, being announced man and wife, kissing in front of everyone before we walk back down the aisle together...married...together until the Lord calls us home...



*shivers*



How insane is that?



It's the best kind of insanity though...and I can't wait!

Rain, rain go away

I wish he was here with me to ride out this possible storm...



It never fails...whenever my family is not together during a storm scare like this...the bad part of the storm always hits wherever they are...


Like the last time we were separated...I was at his house and the rest of my family had gone out to dinner. The funnel cloud passed right over the restaurant they were at; I watched it on television.

Like right now...the red part of the radar is headed straight for them.

Abba, watch over them...please....they're all I have left. Them and him.



Even if we aren't in danger right now, I wish he were here to hold me close and tell me everything is going to be okay. But no...stupid open dorm rules...

He's not even answering his phone right now so I can't even hear his voice. He's probably gone to bed...even though I asked him to text me tonight while we at the gala. Bet he forgot...


I can't wait until we're married and I can fall into his arms whenever I need comfort...his embrace always makes me feel better...even those times when I don't want to admit it.



*sigh*



All in good time...


Now to ride out this storm with my best friend on the hall and the entire first season of Criminal Minds...


...is it tomorrow yet?

And just like that...with a long walk and deep talk...all better...



*sigh of relief*


Goodness gracious I love this kid...