Wow...that title idea...plain evidence that my brain is fried and I really should go to bed...
Started off my morning with recovering from yesterday...woke up sweating and shaky and couldn't figure out why...my stomach soon reminded me that I hadn't eaten any solid food but for a few bites of a Nutri Grain bar in the past twenty-four hours...fixed that situation
Got started on my research for my five page paper...by 3 o'clock had the entire paper done...
Ran to Taco Bell for lupper for me, my roommate, and our friend from down the hall...
Choked down the food while I got started on my second paper of the day...got distracted by my RA and some of my friends asking me to watch Baby Mama with them. Put aside paper...
Watch Baby Mama, She's All That, and Never Been Kissed with those girls....gorged ourselves on Papa John's...I think I've had enough greasy fast food to last me quite awhile...my poor ulcer...ugh...Hooray for Tums and a tall glass of milk...but the food tasted so good!
After movie time with the girls, I finished up my second paper and watched The House Bunny with my roomie and our friend from down the hall. Now they've gone to bed and I'm still up, watching episodes of Criminal Minds...
I've never seen these before...Shemar Moore's character is so much deeper than I thought...wow...unbelievable...yet it explains so much!
Have I mentioned I love this show? Absolutely fascinating...then again, I am one of the weirdos who find the psychology of serial killers absolutely fascinating...fascinating enough to do a research paper over them for my senior English class...though I probably scarred my sweet teacher for life...but the information was just so...enthralling! The serial killer's brain is just...wow...so much going on...so many reasons why...so many stories...insane...
And now Psych...
Watching Dule Hill for the second time today...completely didn't realize he was in She's All That... wow...
*gurgle gurgle*
Shh, tummy...I already took care of you today...quit being so persnickity...
Holy crow! It's almost one in the morning?
What?!?!?
I know I got a lot done today but...where did the time go?
Meine Gute...
At least both of my papers are done...now all I have to do tomorrow is meet with my group to put together our presentation powerpoint...and then go to the play...then Mock Rock...but those will be fun *grins* I'm excited...
Then begins the week of hell...something major going on every day...
Though Tuesday is my birthday...yay!
Technically, I'm not going to be celebrating it...I mean, I have classes all day and work that night...won't really get to see him or any of my friends outside of class...though I will get Chik fil A for lunch...yummy...
Let's see...
Monday - night classes and choral union
Tuesday - my birthday, Old Testament paper due, study for Lifespan exam
Wednesday - Lifespan exam, study for Old Testament exam, meet for staging
Thursday - Old Testament exam, study for Brit Lit exam
Friday - Brit Lit exam, GO HOME!!!!!!!
Saturday - BREATHE!!!!!!!
Okay...okay...I can do this...just a few more days and then everything will be alright...I can do this...I can get through this...
Abba, help me get through this...please...
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Friday, March 2, 2012
One of my favorite poems ever...
The Sugarplum Tree
Have you ever heard of the Sugarplum Tree?
'T is a marvel of great renown!
It blooms on the shore of the Lollipop Sea
In the garden of Shuteye Town;
The fruit that it bears is so wondrously sweet
(As those who have tasted it say)
That good little children have only to eat
Of that fruit to be happy next day.
When you've got to the tree, you would have a hard time
To capture the fruit which I sing;
The tree is so tall that no person could climb
To the boughs where the sugarplums swing!
But up in that tree sits a chocolate cat,
And a gingerbread dog prowls below ---
And this is the way you contrive to get at
Those sugarplums tempting you so:
You say but the word to that gingerbread dog
And he barks with such terrible zest
That the chocolate cat is at once all agog,
As her swelling proportions attest.
And the chocolate cat goes cavorting around
From this leafy limb unto that,
And the sugarplums tumble, of course, to the ground ---
Hurrah for that chocolate cat!
There are marshmallows, gumdrops, and peppermint canes
With stripings of scarlet or gold,
And you carry away of the treasure that rains
As much as your apron can hold!
So come, little child, cuddle closer to me
In your dainty white nightcap and gown,
And I'll rock you away to that Sugarplum Tree
In the garden of Shuteye Town.
- Eugene Field
Someday I hope to be able to read this poem to my children as I tuck them in at night...my grandma did the same for me...I will always remember those nights when she would hold me in her lap as she sat in her rocking chair and read me the greatest stories or sang me sweet lullabies...I want to pass that on to my children...
Have you ever heard of the Sugarplum Tree?
'T is a marvel of great renown!
It blooms on the shore of the Lollipop Sea
In the garden of Shuteye Town;
The fruit that it bears is so wondrously sweet
(As those who have tasted it say)
That good little children have only to eat
Of that fruit to be happy next day.
When you've got to the tree, you would have a hard time
To capture the fruit which I sing;
The tree is so tall that no person could climb
To the boughs where the sugarplums swing!
But up in that tree sits a chocolate cat,
And a gingerbread dog prowls below ---
And this is the way you contrive to get at
Those sugarplums tempting you so:
You say but the word to that gingerbread dog
And he barks with such terrible zest
That the chocolate cat is at once all agog,
As her swelling proportions attest.
And the chocolate cat goes cavorting around
From this leafy limb unto that,
And the sugarplums tumble, of course, to the ground ---
Hurrah for that chocolate cat!
There are marshmallows, gumdrops, and peppermint canes
With stripings of scarlet or gold,
And you carry away of the treasure that rains
As much as your apron can hold!
So come, little child, cuddle closer to me
In your dainty white nightcap and gown,
And I'll rock you away to that Sugarplum Tree
In the garden of Shuteye Town.
- Eugene Field
Someday I hope to be able to read this poem to my children as I tuck them in at night...my grandma did the same for me...I will always remember those nights when she would hold me in her lap as she sat in her rocking chair and read me the greatest stories or sang me sweet lullabies...I want to pass that on to my children...
Thursday, March 1, 2012
I feel older than my years...and I don't mean that because it's almost my birthday
My mom popped up a chat with me on Facebook. I was excited because I haven't talked to her in awhile and while we do have more than our share of issues, I do miss her. But after this conversation...?
"I'd appreciate more than you know if you could babysit that night for me!"
"I think I can...why?"
"Because I have a date"
*facepalm*
"Actually I have a fourth date"
"With who?"
"Someone I know from high school"
*Facebook stalks* *shudders because he looks like my grandpa*
"He's being very gentlemanly. Hasn't tried to touch me at all! We're taking things very slow."
"That's what you said about the other three guys you've had relationships with..."
"But this time is different"
Glad it's different just because you have decided not to have sex...maybe this relationship will last longer than a couple months...or maybe there will be less ex drama involved...
Ugh...
This is one of those times which I feel like I was born in the wrong era. I am all for the kind of relationship where the guy asks permission to hold your hand or to kiss you, where he gives you flowers just because, where you sit on the porch swing (or couch if necessary) just talking and getting to know each other...where you give each other time to have true feelings for each other, deep feelings that last.
Not this new kind of relationship where after a week, you must be meant to be together and that makes it okay to have sex. After a month, you're left broken and feeling used and you "can't believe I wasted all that time with him".
Thank you, Abba...for giving me a relationship like the first option...even if others think otherwise (you're wrong!!)
It's really disturbing to hear about your mother's sexual activity. I'm one of those kids who believes her parents had sex three times...and that's how me, my brother and my sister got here. That's it.
Yet here she is, searching for the need and love that she once had when she was married to my father, finding it in all the wrong places...acting like a dude who thinks with his...well...not his brain.
I shouldn't be surprised seeing as she told me that if I wanted to become sexually active before I got married then to let her know so I could get started on the pill or she could get me some condoms. Yes, she did add that she didn't want me to have sex but that she couldn't tell me know. So instead, with each new boyfriend in high school, I got the same talk...*shivers* that would be a HELL NO! Waiting until I'm married, thank you very much.
She says she's looking for someone to make her happy again and that she wants someone to make happy again.
After being up here at school and going through everything I have in the past couple years, I have realized something.
You don't need to be happy.
No matter what people say, it's not necessary. Yes, it's nice...quite wonderful actually. I love being happy.
But you don't need to be happy.
Trying to make sure you're always happy in life can actually cause you to be very unhappy.
I have learned that instead of needing to be happy, you need to be content. Being content does not always mean you're happy. It means you take what you have and make the most of it. Once you have mastered the art of being content (which I'm getting really very good at), I think you will be truly happy. If you take what you are given and make the most of it instead of worrying, complaining, arguing, despairing or anything of the life, then you can be happy.
Being content can lead to being happy.
So, be content with the job you have, the family you have, the friends you have...the life you have...instead of going out and causing yourself unhappiness and regret and anger and depression and all that just to be "happy"
Doesn't seem very happy to me...
"I'd appreciate more than you know if you could babysit that night for me!"
"I think I can...why?"
"Because I have a date"
*facepalm*
"Actually I have a fourth date"
"With who?"
"Someone I know from high school"
*Facebook stalks* *shudders because he looks like my grandpa*
"He's being very gentlemanly. Hasn't tried to touch me at all! We're taking things very slow."
"That's what you said about the other three guys you've had relationships with..."
"But this time is different"
Glad it's different just because you have decided not to have sex...maybe this relationship will last longer than a couple months...or maybe there will be less ex drama involved...
Ugh...
This is one of those times which I feel like I was born in the wrong era. I am all for the kind of relationship where the guy asks permission to hold your hand or to kiss you, where he gives you flowers just because, where you sit on the porch swing (or couch if necessary) just talking and getting to know each other...where you give each other time to have true feelings for each other, deep feelings that last.
Not this new kind of relationship where after a week, you must be meant to be together and that makes it okay to have sex. After a month, you're left broken and feeling used and you "can't believe I wasted all that time with him".
Thank you, Abba...for giving me a relationship like the first option...even if others think otherwise (you're wrong!!)
It's really disturbing to hear about your mother's sexual activity. I'm one of those kids who believes her parents had sex three times...and that's how me, my brother and my sister got here. That's it.
Yet here she is, searching for the need and love that she once had when she was married to my father, finding it in all the wrong places...acting like a dude who thinks with his...well...not his brain.
I shouldn't be surprised seeing as she told me that if I wanted to become sexually active before I got married then to let her know so I could get started on the pill or she could get me some condoms. Yes, she did add that she didn't want me to have sex but that she couldn't tell me know. So instead, with each new boyfriend in high school, I got the same talk...*shivers* that would be a HELL NO! Waiting until I'm married, thank you very much.
She says she's looking for someone to make her happy again and that she wants someone to make happy again.
After being up here at school and going through everything I have in the past couple years, I have realized something.
You don't need to be happy.
No matter what people say, it's not necessary. Yes, it's nice...quite wonderful actually. I love being happy.
But you don't need to be happy.
Trying to make sure you're always happy in life can actually cause you to be very unhappy.
I have learned that instead of needing to be happy, you need to be content. Being content does not always mean you're happy. It means you take what you have and make the most of it. Once you have mastered the art of being content (which I'm getting really very good at), I think you will be truly happy. If you take what you are given and make the most of it instead of worrying, complaining, arguing, despairing or anything of the life, then you can be happy.
Being content can lead to being happy.
So, be content with the job you have, the family you have, the friends you have...the life you have...instead of going out and causing yourself unhappiness and regret and anger and depression and all that just to be "happy"
Doesn't seem very happy to me...
Mushy gushiness
"That means it goes on forever.
Not five-ever, because that's dumbBut forever, because that's how long and how much I'll love you.
Got it?"
*happy sigh*
You know there are days where I worry...worry because we spend so little time together and rarely see each other and maybe the whole "out of sight, out of mind" might come back...which I know is pointless...hello, we're engaged! But my stupid insecurities...they have loud voices...
But, most likely unconciously, you always stop those insecurities right in their tracks with some sweet thing...like the message at the beginning...
Mhm...I love you...
Curses...
Abba, you're just showing off today, aren't you?
It's so gorgeous outside...the sky is so blue, the grass is becoming green again, the breeze is warm on my skin...
If only I weren't confined to my room, a slave to my heating pad...ach...I hate being a woman...
Curses...
Curses upon curses...
I WANT TO BE OUTSIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bike riding, strolling...oh my goodness today would be the perfect day to go to the zoo...oooooooo...*sigh* i'll save that for a nice Saturday later on...get a group of people together and explore the awesomeness that is the Kansas City Zoo...*grins*
But for now....confinement inside...blargh...
I just hope today doesn't become a repeat of last month though...I especially don't want to miss another day of work since I'm already missing next Friday...ugh...stupid uterus...
It's so gorgeous outside...the sky is so blue, the grass is becoming green again, the breeze is warm on my skin...
If only I weren't confined to my room, a slave to my heating pad...ach...I hate being a woman...
Curses...
Curses upon curses...
I WANT TO BE OUTSIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bike riding, strolling...oh my goodness today would be the perfect day to go to the zoo...oooooooo...*sigh* i'll save that for a nice Saturday later on...get a group of people together and explore the awesomeness that is the Kansas City Zoo...*grins*
But for now....confinement inside...blargh...
I just hope today doesn't become a repeat of last month though...I especially don't want to miss another day of work since I'm already missing next Friday...ugh...stupid uterus...
Monday, February 27, 2012
Well, well, well...
That was unexpected *grins*
I would never have thought that she and I would have bonded with a two hour conversation about him...yeah there were times it was awkward and times i was sort of left speechless...but that was...awesome!
It still blows my mind how much she and I have in common...so strange...
I can't speak for her but our talk really helped me...insecurites from that time have been resurfacing plus I never really got the whole story anyway (it's not something he likes to talk about...he's not proud of it and wishes it hadn't happened) so hearing her side of what happened and how she feels...it helped me a lot. Part of that is just the way God made me...I love stories...especially true ones that I can relate to. But overall, that was probably my favorite part of the weekend.
I do feel bad for him though...his ex and his fiance becoming good friends and talking about him? Poor boy...ahh well, suck it up. I'm not going back now.
Speaking of going back, I need to talk to her about going to Brahm's or Jason's Deli some time...add it to my to do list.
After hearing her side of the story and knowing his, I really feel the two of them need to sit down and talk. She can say everything she has wanted to scream at him or anything she wants to say and he will listen. Then he can say whatever he has to say and she will listen. I'll even ref if needed. Actually I'd probably need to be there...to hold his hand to give him strength (I honestly think he's a little scared of her) and to make sure they each get a chance to say what they need to say without the other interrupting (that'd be more to keep him quiet while she talks than the other way around, I think). I think that would be good for the both of them...allowing both to forgive each other for any hurt the other might have caused (again, more for him to apologize...I'm not sounding biased at all, am I?). I think that would help a lot in the healing process for both. I know she says she's over it and he obviously just wants to forget it happened...but I think both of them are still being effected by that situation way more than they need to be...take that back...I know they are.
And now that I've gotten to truly know her and can call her my friend...I don't want to see her hurting over this anymore...even if it's telling the whole campus to stop talking to her about him if need be. She doesn't deserve to hurt for that anymore. She's refered to herself as a butterfly who people (him included) have tried to pin on a wall...well, it's time she is unpinned and set free.
Hmm...you know...for her having been spoiled for me...I really like her. I admire her. She is not afraid to be herself. I know she calls herself an introvert but once you get her talking, it's quite delightful. I felt like I won a prize when she started opening up to me. Wonderful. She has so many interesting things to say.
I like where this friendship is going...
I would never have thought that she and I would have bonded with a two hour conversation about him...yeah there were times it was awkward and times i was sort of left speechless...but that was...awesome!
It still blows my mind how much she and I have in common...so strange...
I can't speak for her but our talk really helped me...insecurites from that time have been resurfacing plus I never really got the whole story anyway (it's not something he likes to talk about...he's not proud of it and wishes it hadn't happened) so hearing her side of what happened and how she feels...it helped me a lot. Part of that is just the way God made me...I love stories...especially true ones that I can relate to. But overall, that was probably my favorite part of the weekend.
I do feel bad for him though...his ex and his fiance becoming good friends and talking about him? Poor boy...ahh well, suck it up. I'm not going back now.
Speaking of going back, I need to talk to her about going to Brahm's or Jason's Deli some time...add it to my to do list.
After hearing her side of the story and knowing his, I really feel the two of them need to sit down and talk. She can say everything she has wanted to scream at him or anything she wants to say and he will listen. Then he can say whatever he has to say and she will listen. I'll even ref if needed. Actually I'd probably need to be there...to hold his hand to give him strength (I honestly think he's a little scared of her) and to make sure they each get a chance to say what they need to say without the other interrupting (that'd be more to keep him quiet while she talks than the other way around, I think). I think that would be good for the both of them...allowing both to forgive each other for any hurt the other might have caused (again, more for him to apologize...I'm not sounding biased at all, am I?). I think that would help a lot in the healing process for both. I know she says she's over it and he obviously just wants to forget it happened...but I think both of them are still being effected by that situation way more than they need to be...take that back...I know they are.
And now that I've gotten to truly know her and can call her my friend...I don't want to see her hurting over this anymore...even if it's telling the whole campus to stop talking to her about him if need be. She doesn't deserve to hurt for that anymore. She's refered to herself as a butterfly who people (him included) have tried to pin on a wall...well, it's time she is unpinned and set free.
Hmm...you know...for her having been spoiled for me...I really like her. I admire her. She is not afraid to be herself. I know she calls herself an introvert but once you get her talking, it's quite delightful. I felt like I won a prize when she started opening up to me. Wonderful. She has so many interesting things to say.
I like where this friendship is going...
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
86 miles
....86 miles....
86 miles from my best friend who is hurting and texted me today saying that he missed being able to drive down to my house just to get a hug from me because then he felt like he could take on the world
86 miles from my best friend, one of the few people that I can tell anything to, who knows me better than almost anyone, who I miss every day I'm at school
86 miles...distance-wise, it's not that far...only about 90 minutes of driving time...but it's so far when all you want is to hold your best friend while he cries on your shoulder because his world is slowly falling apart and there's nothing you can do except give him the comfort he yearns for...especially when you're the only true friend he has left because everyone else has become so wrapped up in their own drama that they fail to see him crumbling before their eyes. I knew it was coming; I could read it in his messages, hear it in his voice...I knew it...yet there's not a damn thing I can do about it...I can't even be there to let him cry on my shoulder...
I used to pride myself on being a good friend. It didn't matter what you got yourself into, I was always there with you, laughing, crying, whatever the occasion called for...I was there for you. Now that I've gone off to college and tried to start over, I feel like I've become selfish...all I care about is that I'm happy. No, that's not entirely true. I do care about everyone the same still...it's just...I feel like I haven't...done anything about it. I feel like I've walked away from everything that was once so important to me.
I'm ashamed that it took a death, a suicide attempt, a melt down, and a text message that made my heart hurt to get my attention...
Abba...who have I become? Being the best friend who was always there was so much a part of my identity...now who am I? Am I really a selfish jerk who turns her back on her friends? No, even on my worst days, I am never that. Lost? Yes. Confused? Most definitely. Trying each day to change the things I don't like? Always.
Abba, help me...I'm lost...help me find my way...
86 miles from my best friend who is hurting and texted me today saying that he missed being able to drive down to my house just to get a hug from me because then he felt like he could take on the world
86 miles from my best friend, one of the few people that I can tell anything to, who knows me better than almost anyone, who I miss every day I'm at school
86 miles...distance-wise, it's not that far...only about 90 minutes of driving time...but it's so far when all you want is to hold your best friend while he cries on your shoulder because his world is slowly falling apart and there's nothing you can do except give him the comfort he yearns for...especially when you're the only true friend he has left because everyone else has become so wrapped up in their own drama that they fail to see him crumbling before their eyes. I knew it was coming; I could read it in his messages, hear it in his voice...I knew it...yet there's not a damn thing I can do about it...I can't even be there to let him cry on my shoulder...
I used to pride myself on being a good friend. It didn't matter what you got yourself into, I was always there with you, laughing, crying, whatever the occasion called for...I was there for you. Now that I've gone off to college and tried to start over, I feel like I've become selfish...all I care about is that I'm happy. No, that's not entirely true. I do care about everyone the same still...it's just...I feel like I haven't...done anything about it. I feel like I've walked away from everything that was once so important to me.
I'm ashamed that it took a death, a suicide attempt, a melt down, and a text message that made my heart hurt to get my attention...
Abba...who have I become? Being the best friend who was always there was so much a part of my identity...now who am I? Am I really a selfish jerk who turns her back on her friends? No, even on my worst days, I am never that. Lost? Yes. Confused? Most definitely. Trying each day to change the things I don't like? Always.
Abba, help me...I'm lost...help me find my way...
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