It's been a long time...

It has been...quite a long time since I've written on here. Not that I haven't had things to say...I just haven't wanted to say them. I haven't wanted my thoughts down on paper.

As a writer, I know that's just...wrong. Thoughts become stories...stories become real (at least, to the author).

But...my thoughts aren't...pretty. At least not right now.


I haven't written anything since May. I just...can't. I'm even struggling to get this down and it still, somewhat, make sense.

There's just been so much to deal with. So much that my mind is just now letting me think about. So much has happened. Too much.


I realize I need to start putting my thoughts down again...maybe that will clear my head.

I'll try, at least...

My name is not Atlas; I cannot carry the world on my shoulders anymore

...I've never been one for confrontation or stirring the pot...


But I just can't take this anymore...and I feel like no matter what I would say to you, you're too wrapped in your newfound "happiness" to actually hear what I'm trying to tell you...



It's not often that my feelings about people are wrong...it's like my very own Spidey sense...and boy, is it tingling right now...


Anytime I'm around him, it's like the world is shaking and the lines are blurring...and not in a good way.


And it's not just me! Most of the people I know who have met him say he just rubs them the wrong way or they get a bad or creepy feeling from him.



I can't escape him...he's always around. It's almost like my Shadow Man has come to life...in the form of my mother's new boyfriend...


Now, I'm fighting myself. I want my mother to be happy...and this man makes her happy. He dotes on my sister and gets along with my brother. He helps around the house and gives my mother the laughter and company she's needed for so long.


But I can't handle being around him for long periods of time...which is all I'm stuck with since he's pretty much living at our house. I don't say that lightly. He sleeps at our house. He eats at our house. He leaves for work from our house and comes back to our house after work. The only he hasn't done is actually move all his stuff in...which we don't have the room for.


I know I need to talk to Mom about how I'm feeling but I also know her...she'll just discredit everything I say because they're "just feelings" and "I'm happy now and you should be happy about that"...I bet she'll even go so far as to use the whole "I'm still your mother and you have to do what I say" argument.



But I'm 19 now. I've been taking of myself for over the past year without any help from any of my family. And it's not like I don't have a place to go. I do. I've actually been urged to move in tomorrow..."don't take it slow; move out now and treat it like a Band-Aid". But I just can't do that to my mom. And I need to give the people I'd be moving in with more notice than that. This really can't be something I do just because of some feelings I have about my mom's boyfriend. I need to talk to my mom first...and my siblings...I need to explain this to them. I don't want my kids to think I'm abandoning them like Dad abandoned us. I wish I didn't have to leave them there to deal with my mom's mess all on their own...they're too young.


...I can't do this...


I just...can't...



Abba...

...much better...

It's amazing sometimes what a good cry in the arms of someone who cares about you can do for you...



First, falling apart in the arms of two of my best friends on my hall...they knew I just needed to let it all out...


Then later, breaking down in his arms while saying a lot of things that I needed to say out loud...



...I feel better...



Thank you...

My brief (and ridiculous) hysterics

Why do you keep asking me to help with your sandcastle making when you know how I feel about it?


Yes, I have moved passed everything that happened last year...befriending your ex helped out with that a lot.

But I told you...it's just not my thing.



I'll do it...and sometimes I'll enjoy it...when I'm in the mood.



But not finals week when I have so much to worry about and get done. Yes, today is my down day but I'm using that to make sure everything else is ready for the rest of the week and to catch up on sleep...9 hours in the past three days is not healthy...



And I find it ironic how your sandcastle making always seems to coincide with the week I'm PMSing...so I'm already on a hormonal, emotional roller coaster as it is. Then you ask me to do something, which means I could spend much wanted time with you...doing something I really don't care to do.


I keep trying to come up with reasons why I don't want to do sandcastles...

I don't want to get all sandy and messy right before I go to work (which is valid and very true)

I don't want to do something you used to do with her (not valid anymore...so not a good reason because I really don't care)

I have other things I should be doing (not completely true today...though I should be studying for my LSD1 final tomorrow)


...I'm sure I could up with more but they're just stupid. They all are. I just don't want to build sandcastles. I dunno why. I just don't.



And that really bothers me.


You enjoy it so much. I want to enjoy it too. I want it to be something we can enjoy doing together (and one time we did, when we made the pod racing arena).


But any time you ask me to help, my gut reaction is to say no and run away, crying.


And I have no idea why.



Take me away now, while I'm still sane enough to hold still while the strait jacket is put on because I must be crazy.


What normal person cries at the thought of building a sand castle?


Bleck...


I am a mess. How do you put up with me?



Add this hysterical weirdness on top of everything else going on and it's amazing I'm out of bed, dressed, and talking coherently...


I'm going to eat and then take a nap...hopefully that will help me keep my insanity under wraps long enough to help you with the dang sand castle and then go to work...then promptly collapsing afterwards...

I cannot believe you

Since this is my blog and I can say what I want...



Fuck you.



Take your whore and your new life and leave me in peace.




I thought things were changing, improving...


Then you dropped off the map again...only to show up again newly married (in Vegas, no less...yeah, that shows true commitment...you hate Vegas, asshole, remember?) without telling anyone and you expect us to be happy for you???


And I quote: "Been married a week and only 1 family member has said congrats, WTF??"


Yeah...because we're all so thrilled you finally married the skank you left my mother for...the one who's done so much damage to the rest of us .



"She's my new wife and your step mom and you just have to deal with it."



Fuck that.



(I hate you for making me break my non-cussing streak...just add that to the long list)




She will never in any way be a mother figure to me...she will always be the lying slut you abandoned us for.



I don't have to deal with it, you know why?



Because you have no say in my life anymore.


Not only did you walk away but now I'm an adult, living on my own, taking care of myself. You assist me in no such fashion...I get no money from you, I get no support from you. The most you've done is said you're proud of me. Damn right you better be. Because I didn't end up like you, with a baby fresh out of high school. I've already attended college longer than you did. Great role model you are.


The only thing...the ONLY thing you can claim to have done for me...is that because you left us, causing us to live in such a level of poverty we hadn't reached before, I was able to recieve more money from the government through my FAFSA.


But really...that's just because you weren't making any money and neither was Mom at the time we filed.



"Your mother just needs to get over it too."



Guess what, dumbass? She has! Sure, what you did to her has left her insecure and fragile but she's found a man who treats her like you should have, who wants to marry her, take care of her and us, and grow old with her. He wants to sacrifice for her, wants to make her smile. Did you ever want to do that?



Doubt it.



You're a damn good actor, Dad



But stay away from me.


You have no part in my life from now on.



Oh, and consider yourself officially uninvited to my wedding.



Don't think you can make me change my mind this time.



Get the hell outta my life. You're done hurting me.

Progress

It's a wheel turning,
A tripping trot up a hill.
It's the colors of the world
Brightening, sharpening.
It's journey not just from A to B,
But from A to S or even T.
It's a raging crowd
Pushing, extending the boundaries.

Some stand and curse the skies,
Crying out in anger, saying
What good is this thing called "progress",
What is gained from this trouble?
Is it worth the tumult caused?

And then, the top of the hill,
That sweet curve, sits under our feet.
Our journey is over; progress reached.
The shining green life surrounds us all
As we stand in the midst
Of all we had dreamed.

Is This Love?

I was unexpected
But you still sacrificed,
You still fought for me,
You still love me.

Never once in my childhood
Did I doubt that you cared;
There was nothing I could do
To make you not love me.

Then you left; you walked away.
Nothing said could change your mind
Yet you yelled over your shoulder
As you disappeared: "I still love you!"

How is that possible
How can you say you still love me
As you abandon everything
That you worked and sacrificed for?

I don't understand, Daddy,
You fought so hard to be in my lfie
Then you walked away,
Leaving me alone out in the cold

How is that love?
How can you say you still care?
I don't know if I believe you;
I don't think I do...