Saying goodbye should be a crime.

I know, I know...it's been a long time since I last wrote.


Part of that is I really just haven't had the time. The past couple weeks have been full of papers, projects, presentations, extra shifts at work, and lots of catching up. My spare time has been very limited and I've been using it to spend precious time with my fiance and friends.


Deep down, I know part of the reason I never forced myself to write on here again is because I didn't want to look back at those terrible words I had written. I have a very bad habit of not being able to forgive myself. Especially when it comes to hurting the ones I love. And I know I hurt him the last time I wrote something. And I didn't want to see that again.


Especially since my mindset with him and the whole summer thing is so fragile right now.


Ugh. I hate Mother Nature and her control over my hormones and feelings and stuff.


I was really proud of myself. I've been very positive about this whole separated-for-the-summer thing the past week or so. I hadn't brought it up in conversations. I was going out of my way to make plans with friends and family. I'm going to spend a weekend with a friend in Emporia. I'm making plans to go see my dad for the first time in almost two years. My fiance and I have even thought of some things we want to do together when I come visit. I was actually starting to get excited for this summer.


And then everyone started counting down to graduation. And Mother Nature decided now would be a good time to visit (even though she hasn't even truly arrived yet...she's still wreaking havoc upon my state of mind *pouts*).


So I now have 13 days until I say goodbye. Just that thought can make me cry (which I am...in the middle of work...CURSE YOU, MOTHER NATURE!!!!!)


13 days filled with hours that will fly by too fast for my liking. Especially since this weekend I won't even be here. I have to go home to help at a wedding and work a shift at DollarTree. I'm half hoping they won't be able to put me on the shift just so I can come home sooner.


Now please don't think it's just leaving my fiance that's doing this to me. I'm not that super obsessive girlfriend. Chill. I love him more than words can express, yes. He is my best friend whom I can trust my life to, yes. But it's not just him I'm saying goodbye to. Quite a few of my friends are graduating this year. I am so proud of them for all that they have accomplished and I hope their lives are fantastic and they find everything they're searching for.


But I hate saying goodbye. Especially when I don't know how soon I'll be saying hello again.


I guess that's why long-distance relationships were never my thing.


I may be introverted and sometimes even anti-social but really, I like being around the people I love. I like surrounding myself with the people I have fun with. So this whole long-distance thing...nope.


So I was already struggling with having to tell friends goodbye and now I'm going to be separated from my fiance, my best friend for the whole summer. Ugh.



I was so proud of myself for having such a positive attitude about it...but Doubt and Worry, the little imps, like to whisper and gossip. And now, in my moment of weakness, they're reminding me of all my insecurities, all my fears and worries...they're on replay in the back of my mind. I can't laugh loud enough to drown them out today.


My roommate suggested sitting down with my fiance and having a serious talk about this summer and how we both feel about it. Part of me wants to but a larger part of me doesn't. I don't want him to see my worries. I don't want him to brush them off like he's done sometimes before. I don't want him to feel guilty or
get mad at me for being a silly emotional girl. I don't want him to see all my fears and worries because he needs this summer, he needs these internships, these jobs, this chance to be on his own. I don't want to stand in the way of that.


I'm just going to miss him so much.


I know he worries I can't be independent without him. Honestly, that hurt the first time he told me that. Because it's not true. I know I'm independent without him. I just prefer to be around him. Because, as I've said before, he's not only my fiance. He's my best friend. He's the one I can always count on. We have our moments but he's always there. Even on the night when we had our huge discussion thing and ended up moving the wedding, even when he wasn't sure what was going to happen between us that night...as soon, as soon as he saw me crying, he pulled me in his arms, held me tight, and told me everything was going to be alright. He's my person...the first one I call when I'm in trouble, the first one I let see me cry about something bothering me, the first one that can get me to smile after crying, the first one I tell good news to...


*breathes deep*


God, you did that on purpose.


Thank you.



I've been in a country mood today so I'm listening to my country love song playlist on Spotify. I was listening to "Check Yes or No" by George Strait, which is one of my all-time favorites. The next song to play was "Carrying Your Love with Me" also by George Strait.


If you haven't heard the song, here's the chorus:

'Cause I'm carrying your love with me
West Virginia down to Tennessee
I'll be moving with the good Lord's speed
Carrying your love with me
It's my strength for holding 
Every minute that I have to be gone
I'm carrying your love with me

*sigh* I needed that.


Ha! And now it's "God Gave Me You" by Blake Shelton...


Keep it coming, Abba...I need to hear it...


That wonderful moment when God hears your silent prayer, laughs to himself, then gives you an answer in an unconventional way...like songs on a playlist.


Now I have goosebumps...thank you, Abba.


I'm still struggling with all this. I really am. But I trust in my Abba and I believe in the strength of my love for Jake. It's going to be rough, at least in the beginning, but it will all work out. Besides, he'll only be an hour away if I truly need to see him.


All I'm saying is thank the good Lord I am not marrying a military man. That would just kill me. Those women are so strong and they sacrifice so much. I could never do that.


Anyway...I'm gonna stop here. I should probably try to stop crying too, before any customers show up. That could be awkward.


13 days...I have 13 days (technically 11 since I'll be gone Friday night through Sunday afternoon). I'm going to make them count. I'm going to hug him tighter, kiss him more often, tell him I love him whenever I can, laugh with him at every chance, and savor every last bit of time we have together. I'm going to hug all my friends goodbye and tell them I'm so happy for them as they go on to have great lives. I'm going to be okay.

A new leaf has turned over; the sun is coming out again

Well...that was a mess.


But we talked through it and things are going to change.

I started writing on here again and said I was going to change. But change hasn't really happened. Not any good change anyway.


Looking back through my posts, I see a lot of ranting and hurt and anger and jealousy and insecurity and that's going to stop. That was poisoning me from the inside out. But I was blaming him.


No more.


That's done.

This time, I mean it when I say things are going to change. I won't have it any other way. Lord knows I can be as stubborn as they come. This will be one of those times. No more negativity.


I have some plans.


I'm going to get a notebook. Each morning, I'm going to write at least one positive thing down to think about during the day and, before I go to bed at night, I'm going to write down one positive thing that happened during the day.


I'm going to start reading my Bible every day again...and doing a devotion. I started doing that a few months ago and it was glorious. I don't know why I stopped but I'm going to start again.


I'm going to make it a conscious to laugh at something every day. Like a real laugh. I've missed laughing...and smiling...I'm going to do those again.


These are just some little things I've thought of. I think they'll help. They have in the past.


I'm also going to get the number of my school's counseling center. I know there isn't much time left in the school year but maybe I can work a session or two into my schedule...we'll see. I'm going to try. If not, next year. It's happening. I might try to find a place somewhere back home.


Anyway...I need to change. I almost lost him again because I had let myself get so lost in my own feelings and insecurities. That's dumb. I'm not going to lose him to that. I"m changing. Because I love him and deserves so much better...I deserve better too. I don't deserve to be lost inside the darkness anymore...I'm climbing out into the sun.


A new leaf has turned over, my friends, my world has begun again.

My heart hurts...

I finally told him how I've been feeling about our relationship. Finally.


Well, I sent it to him in a message on Facebook because he wanted to go to bed and wouldn't stay up to wait to talk face-to-face.

But whatever.

It's done.


And I'm terrified. I'm terrified he'll decide it's not worth it, that I'm just a naggy, pathetic mess who isn't worth it.

And that thought breaks my heart.


So I'm scared.

I've been crying now for almost two hours straight. My roommate is more than a little concerned but she also knows how this whole thing has been effecting me.

Abba...give me strength to hit the send button. Give me hope that he won't leave and that we'll fix this. Give me peace that everything will work out.



Well...I hit sent. That was a long message...I wrote it out in Microsoft Word first...roughly 1500 words...I just hope he understands.

I don't want to lose him. I can't go through that again. So I will anything to fix whatever is poisoning our relationship...whether it be him, me or a combination. I will fix it.



Abba...you know how much he means to me...please...don't take him from me...

There's No Room Left in My Brain

Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it to live in this world anymore.

Every day people die in gruesome ways, families are broken, faith is lost, hope is broken, grief and sorrow spread...



It's amazing that anyone is able to get out of bed, let alone go about their daily lives with smiles on their faces.


I know how hard life is. I know how hard it is to fake a smile. I've lived that way for the past...four years. I got really good at it. Apparently, I'm a better liar than I thought.


But the past week, God is breaking me of that way of thinking. So I apologize if I seem exceptionally emotional for awhile. I've seen things, heard things, and read things that have really gotten to me...there are people out there suffering more than I have...and they're living better lives than I am now.



How is that even possible?



I watched an interview the other day about a man from North Korea who had been born in one of the prison camps. He lived there until he was 23 years old. 23. That's only 3 years older than I am now. He turned his own mother and brother in to the guards to save his own skin and then did not feel sad when they were killed in front of him. One day, he met someone who told him about the outside world. He realized it could be better, different. So he escaped. 7 years later and he's made a new life for himself. He will always be haunted by his life in the camp but he's not letting that get him down. He's doing something about it.



What am I doing? Crying in my room at night and trudging through the day with a mopey look on my face.




I just can't take it anymore.



It's going to be a struggle. Especially with this summer coming up. Ugh.


My roommate asked me if I would go on a three day cruise in the Bahamas with her this summer (she found tickets for only $179) and I told her I'd love to...if I had the money. It would be amazing to go off on an adventure with friends and just forget what I was dealing with.


After learning about the Korean man's story, I don't look at my problems the same. They are so small and so insignificant when it comes to the world...but they effect me greatly. I can't ignore them but I can't let them control my life anymore either. I have to face them. The cruise this summer would be a nice escape...just to give me time to breathe before delving back into the real world. But I can't let myself hide my problems or feelings anymore. That's why you'll probably see me cry a lot for the time being. My life is changing and it's scary and I feel alone and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this summer...but I'm not hiding that inside. I'm not going to fake that smile anymore. I'm going to be upfront and honest. If something makes me sad or angry or upset in any way, I'm going to show it. No more of this namby-pamby stone cold statue stuff. I am a human being who hurts and feels and loves just like everyone else. And it's time to show that.




So forgive my slightly melancholy mood for the time being. It's part of the healing process...even if it's not pretty. It's necessary. And I said I was going to do what was necessary to make myself better, didn't I? So here I go...




*deep breath*



I'm hoping that getting this all out on "paper" will ease my mind a bit. My head has felt quite full since I talked with my fiance yesterday about this summer...so many feelings and thoughts and concerns and I just bundled them all up away into the dusty corners of my brain. After going over my notes on the Korean guy and then seeing the coverage of the Boston marathon bombing, I realized life is too short to act like it's perfect. It's not perfect. It's messy and terrible and painful and crazy and awesome and wonderful and beautiful...but that takes feeling and honesty and realness. So here I am...late at night once again, writing about this, hoping it will make it easier to sleep tonight.



Here's hoping.




Now that my fingers are slowing down and my eyelids are falling down , I think it's time to stop for the night. I shall see you when I rise, world. I pray sweet dreams find us all tonight. Until next time...

I sing in the silence to keep the darkness at bay

My eyes are dry, my eyelids heavy. My brain is tired and sluggish. My body is just...exhausted.


But can I fall asleep?


No. Of course not.


Why?


Because I can't stop thinking about this summer.



It's going to be rough. And I'm not looking forward to it. This summer, of all my summers, was supposed to be the best. I was to be married to the love of my life. I wouldn't have to deal with my mother and her constant pushing to move back in. I was supposed to work and save my money to pay for school. It was supposed to be fun and wonderful and now...


Now I'm no longer getting married. Instead, I get to be separated from my fiance for the entire summer. I now have a summer class I have to take or my entire school schedule gets thrown off but I don't have the money for it. My mother has already started nagging me about moving back in even though there is no room for me (no matter what she says).




I don't want summer to come.




The past three summers have been awful. Just plain awful. First, my dad left. Then my mom got super clingy and I just couldn't wait to go to college. Last summer, it got so bad I moved out of my house and into my in-law's basement. It was finally supposed to get better.



Guess I was just hoping for too much.




All of this wouldn't be so hard if my fiance was going to be there for it all. But he won't. He'll most likely be living an hour away, having a fantastic time living on his own and doing what he likes. Meanwhile, I'll be stuck at home with all the drama and crap and I'll be alone.



I just...I know he needs this job. And I know it will be good for him to live on his own and see what the world is really like without being pampered by his parents. But I need him. I need his arms around me after a long and stressful day. I need his voice in my ear telling me he loves me. I need to see the smile on his face. I just need him.



God, this is going to be so hard.




I've been crying pretty much most of the afternoon. Just because I can't stop thinking about this freaking summer. I hate it. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to feel this way. I want to be happy for him without anything else to poison that. But I can't. I just...I feel like there's a hole inside me and it just keeps growing the closer it gets to summer time. I know I'm counting down the days until school is out but really I'm keep track of how many days I have left to see him each night...27, by the way.



Abba...I need some strength right about now. I'm struggling. I can't do this alone but the physical shoulder I usually cry on won't be by my side for much longer.



God...I just hate the sound of that. I hate it. I hate that I've been crying so much and I hate how we've hardly seen each other the past couple months and I hate how we seem to be struggling and I hate how we're going to be separated.


I hate it.



Do you understand that?


I hate it.



Damn it...now I can't stop crying. No wonder I can't fall asleep.



I really just want to curl up against his chest and cry this whole thing out...but it's late, open dorms are over, and he'd probably just try to talk it out and get me to calm down. That's not going to work right now. I really do just need to cry it out...I just...I can't.



I heard this song on the radio earlier and now it's stuck in my head:

Just give me a reason,
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second, we're not broken, just bent
We can learn to love again.
Oh, it's in the stars,
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken, just bent
And we can learn to love again.


"It's been written in the scars on our hearts. We're not broken, just bent."


All the memories, all the pain from the last time we were separated and all that happened...it's written on my heart. I had forgotten it all...but with the probablities of this summer looming over our heads, it's all coming back. At one point, I was broken. I was fixed...but everything it's just all too much. I'm not broken, just bent...



It's going to take me quite some time to reconcile this whole summer in my heart. I go from getting married to being separated from my fiance. That's a big change, a heartbreaking one.


I know that, with my Abba's help, I will get through it. I just have to keep telling myself that. Right now, it's just too hard...unbelievable. Hopefully someday, soon, I will believe it wholeheartedly.


I wish I could stop crying. Maybe I'll cry long enough or hard enough that I'll cry myself to sleep. That may be the only way I get some sleep tonight.


Tomorrow brings another day. Hopefully I can be a little more positive. Doubtful...but I'll try.


Goodnight, world...enjoy the rain outside.

I feel a little cross-eyed...but it's all good

My head feels fuzzy...and my eyelids feel super heavy...


But it's all good, bro!


You know why?


Because I'm done with my eight hour shift at DollarTree!


Woot. Woot.




Seriously though...I love working there...except when certain people are working...and they all seemed to be working tonight. *facepalm*

Oh well...I'M DONE!!!


Spent sometime with some friends from high school tonight...that was fun! Had some stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut and watched The Raven. All in all, a good night.


Now just one more sleep...one more church service...one more moment of packing...and then I'm off to home...off to him. Yays :)



Anyway...I really should probably go to sleep. I'm actually surprised I'm making complete sentences so far. That's how out of it I am . Time for bed.


Goodnight, world! See you when the sun rises!

Keep the Dream Alive. Dreaming is Still How the Strong Survive

You see, this is why I really shouldn't write at night. My last few posts? Negative or whiny. Because the past couple days have been super long and by the end of it, I'm exhausted and frustrated and in a mood to rant. While that's okay and honestly what this blog is for, to get my thoughts and feelings out of my head and into words, it's not always a good thing.


Like the past couple nights.


This is hell week for me. One of three in the 5 weeks I have left of school. I don't have much homework to do, but it doesn't matter. I wouldn't have time to do it even if I did. I have almost no free time until this weekend...and even then I'm going home so I can work my alloted shift a month to keep my job for the summer. *sigh* Wanna see what my schedule looks like today?


6:30-10:30: working
11:00-2:50: classes, 4 in total with only roughly ten minutes between each...so that means no lunch.
3:00-4:00: naptime. I need this or I might kill someone. Also, it's my first break all day.
4:30-8:00: more work
9:00-10:30: Kairos (a sort of youth group thing)

Yeah...yay. I have two hour-long breaks. One between class and my second shift and the other between my second shift and Kairos. Trust me, if I wasn't so desparate for chapel points, I wouldn't bother with Kairos. But whatever.

Anyway, sorry. I didn't mean to start complaining again. I'm just trying to make a point. This week is going to suck.


What I was saying at the beginning of the post is, by the time I get home for the day, I am worn out and frustrated and just want to get it all out. It has to be a fandamntastic day for me to still feel chipper at 11 or midnight or whenever I get to writing this.


I really should write in the morning because I usually have a more positive outlook on life. Not today because I'm dragging...though I did have some sweet dreams last night...


One of them I almost thought was real. In it, I was laying on my bed watching a movie when I heard a knock at my window. I opened it and there was my fiance, all dressed up in one of his suits, holding an umbrella (it was thunderstorming outside) and a bouquet of purple roses (my favorite). Somehow I managed to pop the screen off my window and he clambered into my room. After putting his umbrella down and taking off his shoes and jacket, he climbed into bed with me and held me until I fell asleep in his arms.


It was beautiful...


Until I shot straight up in bed at 2:10 in the morning and I was groggy enough that I was trying to figure out where he went...then I realized it was just a dream...


Yeah...my brain has not been nice to me when it comes to dreams lately. I either get the really uneasy ones, the creepy ones, or the ones that are so beautiful but realistic that when I wake up, it breaks my heart.



So I guess just anyway I look at it, I'm going to be very positive today. I'll try. But right now, I feel like it's a miracle I'm even awake. My eyes hurt...that's how tired I am. And it's not even 7:30 yet. Gross.


Whelp...I'm just going to stop here. Before I go on yet another rant of some sort. Also, I'm technically "open" at work in 10 minutes. Everything's already ready to go (I've been here since 6:30) but I don't really want to be writing on my blog while people are walking around.



Toodles, friends. You might hear from me later...but don't count on it. I plan to crash hardcore once I get home from Kairos. Unless I get the chance to see him. I just...I miss him. A lot.

Anyway...peace out, Girl Scouts.

More than Words is All I Ever Needed You to Show...or Really Just Anything...

Abba, please don't take him away.


I know...I know...Your will be done...but...please...


Don't take him away from me.


I know he needs an internship this summer and I know that means he'll probably end up somewhere else (Memphis is most likely right now). I know he needs the experience. That's why I haven't voiced any of my fears or cried in tears...at least not in front of him. I have tried to hug him tighter and hold him longer. I want him to know that I will support him in whatever choice he ends up making. We're going to be married and I want him to know he can count on me for anything.


But I'm scared...


The last time we were separated, things did not go well. Just an hour between us and our relationship fell apart...


You see, he has this sort of "out of sight, out of mind" thing. And there were a lot of beautiful girls he had never met before at his college. And I was way out of sight an hour away in our home town. He ended up crushing on another girl. He never cheated on me; in fact, he told me all about this girl. He wanted me to know that he found her attractive and he had been spending a lot of time with her. Not great things to tell your girlfriend whose dad had just left her mom for another woman just a few months before. I repeat, he never cheated. He was honest and up front. And he broke up with me...and started dating said girl a few weeks later.


Now, he tells me he learned his lesson. He says he realized that I am the only girl he really wants, the only one he truly loves. And I try really hard to believe that. But sometimes my insecurities drown out his words. I wasn't enough once...what if that is true at some other point in his life?


Anyway...I just...I worry about what could happen to our relationship if he's all the way in Memphis or Anchorage or wherever else for three months straight. You know how in movies, when the guy and girl are separated for whatever reason, they write letters to each other and talk on the phone every night? You know how wonderful and adorable and thoughtful that is? Yeah...it wouldn't happen with us. He'd get too busy or too distracted and he would forget. He forgets me enough already (at least it feels like it). I don't need hundreds of miles between us to emphasize that.


I've gotten to the point where I just deal with this internally. I've brought it up so many times and nothing ever really happens. He says it will, promises he'll change, he'll be super mushy for a couple days, and then things go back to the way they were before. I just gave up trying to get him to see.

It's a simple fact that he keeps missing. My love language, is Quality Time. That means I know I'm loved when he (and people in general) makes the effort to spend time with me or to make sure I know I'm on his mind. From my point of view, that lets me know he cares and that I matter to him. It tells me, without the use of words, that he loves me. You know that 80s power ballad "More Than Words"...yeah that's my jam. The second verse and chorus in particular:

Now that I've tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me
Hold me close don't ever let me go
More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
'Cause I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you

For me, it takes more than just parroting "I love you" back and forth or random cuddle session to prove love. Don't get me wrong, those things wonderful. I can't tell him I love him enough and I can barely keep my hands off him when he's around...I just love holding him close and feeling him next to me. But I have learned that words and caresses, no matter how passionate, can be cruel lies. After what I've been through and seen in life, I need more than that. And that is what he overlooks.

Of course then, when I do mention it, I feel like that awful girlfriend. You know, the one that's all clingy and demanding, who nags her man all the time, the one everyone just wants to punch in the face? Yeah. That one. So I've stopped mentioning it. It doesn't change things and I haven't figured out a different way to try. The only time it really comes up anymore is when he happens to catch me at a low point and I just pour it all out in a bucketful of tears...which doesn't do any good.

But seriously...it's not a healthy mindset for me. I try to do all these little things to show him how much I love and appreciate him...like random flowers or a candy bar or a cd or book or even a little note every now and then. What do I get? A promise of a birthday date...that hasn't happened even after a month after my birthday. Part of that was timing but still. Ugh. I feel like...I feel like something is missing our relationship. Something is left unfulfilled. And I want to fix it. But I don't know how. And right now he's too busy to even see me...(stupid freaking play...just two more days...JUST TWO MORE DAYS!!!!!)


So, long rant short, I guess that's my selfish reason for not wanting him to go away for the summer. I don't want him to leave me and forget me even more than he already has...

That's another thing (sorry, more ranting. I apologize. I'm in a mood. I just sat for an hour, all dolled up, surrounded by guys committed to pampering me and disgustingly cute couples, and I couldn't truly enjoy it. Because all I could do was sit there and wish he was with me. Ugh. I'm pathetic. Anyway. So now I'm ranting on here...because I can). When I have talked to him about how I feel forgotten, he says it's not his fault, it's his busy schedule. I understand he's in a play (which I can't wait for to be done...but I can't tell him that because then I'll feel like a bitchy fiance for not supporting him in the things he enjoys doing. Which I do support him. I just get frustrated when it consumes his life and he forgets me. See above paragraph for rant on that subject) and that he has a job and homework but I have a busy schedule too. I have two jobs in two different cities, tons of papers and other assorted homework to do, and yet I still make time for him. He is my fiance and my best friend therefore I have made him a priority in my life. I don't feel like he's on that same page. And honestly, that thought hurt...a lot. We're getting married for crying out loud! We have reached that point in our lives where we need to come first in each other's lives (second to God, of course).


Though he did say the other day that he was glad we postponed the wedding because he realized he wasn't ready to get married yet. Thanks for that. If that's true, then...WHY DID YOU PROPOSE IN THE FIRST PLACE??? *heavy sigh* sorry...I just. Ugh. That wasn't easy to hear from him. And I'm sure if you ask him, he'll jump in and say it has nothing to with me, just how he feels about things. But geez! That just...it was like a surprise punch in the gut. Even though it shouldn't have been a surprise because he asked to postpone the wedding in the first place.



ANYWAY!!!



Sorry...like I said...I'm in a mood.



And I'm sure this is unexpected for you, reader...especially since I wrote an entry all about how much I love him just the other day. And I do love him. Everything in that entry is true. None of those feelings have changed nor will they ever change. But nobody is perfect. Everyone has their flaws. I'm sure if you asked him he could come up with quite a list of my flaws. What it comes down to in the end is that I love him and I don't want to lose him therefore I want to fix any problems, one-sided or whatever, in our relationship.


Wow...this post got a lot more muddled than I planned. *shrugs* I guess I just had a lot to say...even if it's not very coherant. Now I guess I'll finally go change out of my brand new dress, undo my hair, and wash off my makeup...time for yoga pants, ice cream, and 80s music.


You know what? It's no fun to wear cute dresses and go through all the dolling up...if the person you do it for doesn't see you. I just wish I could have at least seen him for a little bit...but instead he went out to eat with the cast (at least that's what I was told) and I didn't even hear from him when I texted him...


See what I mean about the forgetting?



Prayers please, any readers out there. Because I need them.

Alright...it's almost midnight and I'm trying to be more positive

Okay...it's only been a couple hours since I last posted but it was such a negative post. I feel like, even though today was rough, I can't end it like that.


Everything I posted before was true. It's how I really felt (still feel...whatever). But it wasn't all that happened today.


I spent some great time with a good friend of mine. We haven't been friends for too long but we always have a good time together. Today, we didn't do much other than sit on my bed while she worked on a paper and I edited for a tutoring job...but hey, we still had fun. It may or may not have involved a Disney playlist on Pandora.


Okay, it did. Because we rock.


Also, I did get to (finally!) spend some quality time with my fiance. Even with everything rolling around in my head, I was still so thankful to finally spend some one-on-one time with him. Huzzah for cuddles. Definitely the best part of my day. Especially when he held me close while we watched the lightning on the horizon...*sign* I wish we could have more moments like that...


Anyway. I just wanted to write a little bit more with a positive side. I'm still not in the greatest of moods...especially since now I have a killer earache in my left ear. My nursing major roommate says it's probably just my allergies manifesting in congestion in the ear...but that it could also be an ear infection. The allergy thing is more likely though...or at least so she says. *fingers crossed*


ANYWAY! Sorry...that didn't sound exactly positive so I didn't want to end with that story. So now I'm medicated, full, and watching What a Girl Wants (yay chick flicks!) while I inhale the glorious smell of fallen rain. Have I mentioned I absolutely love spring thunderstorms in Kansas? Because I do. They are my favorite.


So here I shall leave you. My meds are kicking in and my eyelids are getting heavy...


Goodnight, world. May tomorrow be better.

This really just isn't my day...at least it's raining...

I just don't know what's wrong with me today.


I mean...yes, I know, it's Bren's birthday. And that's been gnawing at my heart all day.



But I just haven't been able to really smile or even laugh all day...


First, there was church.


My fiance and I started going to this new church. It's a small non-denominational congregation. And when I say small, I mean small. Less than 50 people come to the one service each Sunday. It's nothing fancy...simple music, bread and grape juice for communion, slides to go along with the sermon...no big deal. The people seem to create a super tight community. Everyone knows everyone and all the kids play with each other and whoever's mom is closest keeps watch over the whole bunch.


Seems great, right?


When I look back at what I wrote, it sounds to me like the perfect church. But when I'm sitting in the service, I can't help but feel on edge. My spine is all tense; I just can't focus. I feel isolated. I know...6 people...wait...7. I met someone new today. The only reason I know that many is because two go to my school, and four are the mom, dad, sister, and brother-in-law of one of those kids. The seventh person introduced herself to me today. She seems really nice...married with three adorable little boys.


But other than that...I just feel...lost. How does one feel lost in such a small group? I feel lost and alone while my fiance is pratically bouncing in his seat because he loves it so much and it's so wonderful and it's "just like how my old church used to be!" Yay for you. In all his excitement, he keeps asking me what I think and can we do this and don't you just love it here?!


No. No, I don't. I am an introvert, I don't like new people, and I hate being put into situations where I don't know what to do.


I'm sure next semester when we start going here every Sunday I'll be fine. By then, I won't be stressed out over school and work and just life in general. At least..not AS stressed. Also, I'll have the time to get involved. I've been to this church twice. Twice. The first time was almost a month ago. The second time was today. I will be able to go two, maybe three times, before we go home for the summer break. I don't have the time to commit to this right now. I'm not going to throw myself into making new friends and creating all these connections when I'm going to be leaving for 3 and half months in 34 days. No thanks, I'm good. It just doesn't make sense to me to do so.



Also, and you can roll your eyes at me for this but I have my insecurites and if you know me you know I have a perfectly good excuse, I still don't feel comfortable being around my fiance's co-star from the play he's in. She's tall, blond, beautiful, talented...and he's told me he found (if not still finds) her attractive. Meanwhile, our wedding was just postponed. I KNOW I KNOW IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT...but I am an irrational girl who tends to be emotional and extremely insecure. Bite me. She just...puts me on edge as well (and no, sitting in church and feeling that way doesn't have anything to do with her. The feelings are seperate).


Ugh. I hate myself for what I just wrote. Especially since it's probably going to rile him up and get him asking all kinds of questions. Oh well. I had to write about it. It's what's on my mind today.


Bleck.




Sometimes I really do just hate myself. Because I can't be what everyone wants me to be. Happy. Carefree. Available (not in the single kind of way, in the time kind of way).


Sorry, guys. I'm currently sucking at life. Come back later.

Today just got a lot harder to handle...

It crept up on me without realizing it.


Today is Brenna's birthday.



Brenna, my beautiful Brenna...taken from us almost a year ago...



She would be 19 years old today. She would be almost finished with her first year at K-State. She would be enjoying her cake (and probably naming it) and making memories with all her friends and family. She would be smiling.



I cannot claim to know what heaven is like. But I like to picture Bren surrounded by flowers and her loved ones that have gone before her. There would be angels too, angels to sing and dance with her. Today she would have the most epic of all cakes and she would share it with everyone else in heaven with her. I can just see her smile now...



God...I'm supposed to be going to bed but now I'm laying here crying and going through her photos on Facebook. Seeing her smile in those pictures breaks my heart...


How I miss her. She was just...wonderful. I'd known her since elementary school. We were never best friends, the kind that stayed the night at each other's houses every weekend or anything like that. But you didn't have to be like that with Bren. She loved everyone. Never did I ever hear her say something mean or harmful about anyone (unless it was her sister...and then it was usually followed by "but I love her anyway"). She had the purest heart ever known to man.


I will never forget her. She will always be in my heart until the day I see her again in heaven. There will be much rejoicing, I garauntee it.



So today, excuse me if I'm snippy or if I start crying suddenly. I'm going to do my best to smile and laugh and enjoy life like Brenna did but I can't garauntee I'll be able to. The pain is still too fresh.



So...happy birthday, Bren. I hope you have the best birthday party ever and I hope your cake is delicious. Sing loud, dance crazy, and stay you. I miss you so much, honeybunches...and I can't wait to see you again.

Peace is a Mystery and Love is a Four Letter Word

I'm sitting here on this lazy Saturday morning with my window open, my 80s music playing in the background, and I just love it.


There's that tiny voice in the back of my mind saying I have more important things to be doing right now and it's probably right but I just don't care. I feel a sort of sleepy peace just sitting here.


Peace.


That's a five letter word that I haven't spent much time with lately. Between all my schoolwork and papers, working two jobs in two different cities, and all the wedding planning I had done...I didn't have much free time left. The free time I did have I tried to spend with my fiance. When he was unavailable (which was actually pretty often), I would be watching movies or making random Walmart trips with my roommates and friends on my hall. I kept myself so busy I honestly did not have the time to just sit and stare out the window.


But now, the schoolwork is slowing down, my jobs are more manageable, and I don't need to plan the wedding anymore. At least not for another couple months.


Let me be frank here real quick.


I know the decision my fiance and I made to move the wedding to next year was the right one. We were not going to be able to handle it. Not with all the stress of money on top of just getting married and moving to a new city and trying to find jobs. It just wasn't going to happen. And I know that.

That doesn't mean I like it.


There is nothing I want more in the world right now than to be his wife. Even with all the stress of planning the wedding and making preparations for this summer, I knew it would all be worth it because he would be my husband and I would be his wife. Now it's all been pushed back. I feel as if all the hard work I put into planning was for nothing. It's not like he was that involved to begin with but it didn't matter. All that mattered was the fact that we were going to be married.

Don't give me that damn speech about how one year won't matter because we'll still love each other. I know that. It may sound cheesy and ridiculous but my love for my fiance will never diminish. It just grows stronger every day (even when he makes me feel so exasperated and frustrated...even then). I know the time itself won't matter because we're still together and all that jazz.


Maybe it's just my old insecurities about not being good enough coming back but...I feel as if I've failed (at least a little bit) by not being ready to get married this summer. I feel as if I should have been ready. He'll argue like he always does but I can't help the way I feel.


And it's not all the time. Usually those kinds of thoughts stay quiet and just creep up on me in the calm moments I have with myself. Those kinds of thoughts are the reason I don't like silence. Anyway...they're not always present.


Most of the time, I'm just sad. I was flipping through my planner and I saw the date, June 22nd, and the note I had written there: A day I will treasure always. It made me cry. That won't be my wedding day anymore. It won't be the day I marry the love of my life, my best friend. I'm going to be an emotional wreck that day this summer.


I went from excited, ecstatic really, to not wanting to hear or see a single thing concerning a wedding. This was especially hard since I was in charge of creating an 8 page layout for a wedding section in my school newspaper. Me and two other girls got all the ads (from businesses in the wedding industry), wrote all the stories (about dresses, stress, and commitment), and took all the pictures (of dresses, happily married couples, and brides-to-be). That was killer.


It was really hard to explain our postponed wedding to family and friends. Everyone's first thought was that there was something wrong and we were second guessing ourselves. While not entirely true, we were having some relationship problems. Lots of fights. Lots of crying (on my part, at least...no one can make me cry like he can...but then again, no one can make me smile like he can either). We were struggling.


And then we postponed the wedding. His face...he looked so relaxed after our talk. He looked at peace. I couldn't stop crying. I came so close to losing him...in fact, I thought I had.


So...I have two reasons why I agreed to postpone the wedding. One, because I knew it was the right decision. We would never make it if we didn't. We would end up bitter and probably divorced like my parents and I couldn't do that. I couldn't even imagine losing him like that or putting us through that situation. Two, because I will do anything to make him happy, to make sure I never lose him. I love him. Plain and simple. He is my other half. We weren't made for each other. Honestly, you can probably find people (actually I can name a few) who would tell you we're not good for each other or that we'll never make it. God did not make him to be mine or make me to be his. He gave us the opportunity to meet each other, to befriend each other, to fall in love with each other, to choose each other. My angel...he is my only choice. Not because there is no one else out there for me. Because I choose him and no one else but him. We have worked hard to make this relationship what it is today. By the time we get married, we'll have been together four years, engaged for two and a half. It wasn't easy. But it was worth it. I can tell you, without a doubt in my heart, that I love him. I would do anything for him. I would lace your shoe, paint my face bright blue, catch a kangaroo, or even go to Timbuktu. I'd risk everything for one kiss. I'd do anything. For him.

So now I'm doing something for him. I am waiting. I am healing. I am learning. I am doing whatever it takes to be the woman he deserves because God did not make me his perfect woman. I have to do that myself.


Darling, I know you're reading this (eventually...you're at play practice right now) but I want you to know...I love you.


I tell you that all the time, I know. And it's not to fill a lull in the conversation or because I'm afraid you forgot. I tell you that because I cannot say it enough. Those three little words are not big enough or complicated enough to explain my feelings, to get you to understand how much you mean to me. So I tell them to you...over and over and over again. And I plan to do that for the rest of my life.


I may be impatient and, honestly, sad that I will be your wife yet this summer...but it doesn't really matter. Not truly. All that matters is you. You being with me and me being with you. I love you, and nothing is ever going to change that.


*sigh*



Two heavy posts in two days...my soul is weary. Time to shower and clean myself up...the day is young and there is much to do. Now that my mind and heart are at peace, I feel as if I can take on the world. I'll start with the art museum this afternoon with my fiance and friends. Today will be a good day, if for nothing other than the beautiful weather outside.

Objective Correlative

The other day in my American Literature class, we were discussing T.S. Eliot's "The Wasteland" and Eliot's view on objective correlative. For those of you who do not know, objective correlative is using objects, ideas, or moments to remember emotions (basically).  My prof asked us if we had anything in our own lives that could be an objective correlative.



As soon as she said the words, all I could see was the shelterhouse at Crawford County State Lake.



Such a lovely thing. To the untrained eyes of others, a simple shelterhouse on the shore of a lake is just a thing, a summery thing, a simple summery thing.


To me, it is a lost thing, painful memories, and a bittersweet peace.


Just four years ago, the Crawford shelterhouse was my sanctuary. It was the only place I felt truly at peace. All my worries just melted away. I could spend all day out in the fresh air, relishing my freedom.

I had no idea how much my life would change just in a year.


The next time I visited my shelterhouse, it was May 2010. My family was celebrating, not just summer and Memorial Day weekend, but my father's recovery. He had been diagnosed with a rare brain tumor in January. After going through surgery, he had made a full recovery. I couldn't have been happier. I remember we planned to take some of my senior photos by my shelterhouse. I remember my mom spending most of the weekend hiding away in the tent, saying she felt sick, or faking a smile. I couldn't figure out what was wrong but my mother's mood swings weren't new to me. I pushed them out of my mind and concentrated on spending as much time with my dad as possible.


It was only a few days after returning home that I learned my dad had been having an affair and was choosing to leave me, my mom, and my two younger siblings for this other woman. My mother found out the morning we left for the campground. That weekend with my family by the lakeside was the last good and happy memory I have with my dad. After that, it was yelling and anger and crying and despair. I was lost. I remember feeling betrayed once I found out, not just because he had lied to us but also because he had acted like everything was okay the weekend before while my mom suffered from the burden of knowing.

My sanctuary lost a little bit of its glamour that year.


The next year, it hurt so much to be back at that place that I made a rash decision. I asked my cousin to help me forget. Not exactly in those words but he understood. He and his friend had access to alcohol. Between the three of us...well, yeah. Personally, I had two beers, two red Solo cups filled with a Mountain Dew Voltage/vodka mix, and another Solo cup of lemon-lime margarita. I was feeling pretty good after all that...all bubbly and easy-going. Shockingly enough, I did not feel sick. I remember everything that happened (unfortunately...I'm getting to that part). I remember being really giggly but I could walk in a straight line and I didn't slur my words. Apparently, I can hold my liquor. So could my cousin. He was perfectly fine the entire night, only passing out after his fourth of something (that I do not remember). His friend, on the other hand, could not. Before the alcohol, this friend had made it clear he found me attractive. At the time, I had a boyfriend (had actually just gotten him back) so I was uninterested and tried to avoid the guy when possible. With alcohol in his system, he got cocky...or horny...one of the two...or both. Either way, he tried making moves. Nothing besides trying to hold my hand or put his arm around my shoulder while my cousin was awake...but once he was asleep, the guy got ballsy. At first, he asked. "Can I see your boobs?" "Will you let me touch you?" The more I said no, the more demanding he became. "Let me touch you." "Have sex with me." This is how I know I was able to handle the alcohol. I did not cave in nor did I end up in a position I did not want to be in (well...anymore than I already was). Instead I slapped him and told him if he touched me, I would remove his favorite appendage. Thankfully, he listened then. He moved to the other side of the shelterhouse and fell asleep. After awhile I did too. Not much later, I was awakened by my cousin. It had rained and was now too cold to sleep in the shelterhouse. He wanted me to know that there was room in the back of his parents' van if I wanted to be warm. I didn't want to be that close to his friend but at the time, it was four in the morning, I was wet and freezing and I didn't want to wake my mom. So I climbed in. My cousin, sensing my discomfort, put himself between me and his friend. I am so thankful for that.


There are many reasons I don't talk about that night. In fact, the only person who knows what happened that night besides my cousin and his friend, is my best friend. And that's because I had to tell someone. Just to get it out there. I was so ashamed and confused by what happened that I couldn't even tell my boyfriend at the time. I knew he wouldn't approve of my drinking. The whole thing with my cousin's friend would have made him see red and he'd be out for blood. I feel as if I'm risking a lot by writing about this now because that boyfriend is now my fiance and he reads this. I know he'll see it...eventually. And I am honestly terrified of his reaction. I'm terrified of what he'll think of me for this. I want everyone to know that I regret everything about that night. I regret the drinking. I regret finding myself in the position I was in. I regret forgetting that there is more to life than the pain and hurt I was wallowing in at the time. Please don't be mad or disappointed in me because of it. Trust me, I've hated on myself enough for it. I wish I could go back and redo that night...but I also know that it was that night that started me thinking I needed a change. If it weren't for that night, I wouldn't have started facing my problems at the time. I was tired of hurting and had tried to find a way out of it. Instead, I realized there is no easy way to get rid of pain. It was a rough lesson but one I needed.


The next year, this past year, I was hoping to erase all of my unwanted memories concerning the shelterhouse. I brought my best friend and my fiance with me, the two people who had been there for me through everything even when they didn't realize it. I had hoped it would be another weekend of fun and freedom. But I was wrong. Turns out bringing two people who are very important to you, whom you love with all your heart, is a bad idea. I constantly felt like I was being torn in two. She wanted me to go exploring with her, go for walks, go swimming and fishing, just plain summer fun. He wanted alone time, romantic time, me and him time, time away from the heat and the bugs and probably my mother as well. I wanted both. There was lots of crying and yelling and arguing and stomping off. On top of that, we learned something terrible, something that still breaks my heart to this very moment.


The day we drove down to the campground, we found out that a friend from back home had disappeared while out for her run that morning. We did not know until much later that evening what really happened. Our friend had been stalked, hit by a car, put in the trunk, taken to a field, abused, and left to die in a creek in a field mere miles from my house. The man responsible was caught that night but it really didn't stop the hurt. Brenna, my lovely Bren, was dead. She had just graduated high school. She had big, beautiful plans for life. Instead, she left this world, cold and alone. It's been almost a year and I still tense up when I hear her name, I cry when I see her family, I crumple whenever the song "Beautiful Things" is played (that was her song...they played it at her funeral).


Once again, my shelterhouse was the setting. I still remember everything about that night. I remember getting the call from a friend back home. I remember having to tell my friend and fiance what happened. I remember sitting on the rocks and crying so hard I started to choke. I remember hearing my little brother call for my mother, "Mom, come quick! Chrissi just found out her friend died and she's crying!" I remember looking up at the stars and wondering why in the world would God take such a beautiful soul from this world when she could do so much good. I remember seeing her murderer as a monster who needed to die to make up for what he did. I remember it all.


All of those memories...triggered from a simple shelterhouse.


I won't be going back to my shelterhouse this summer. I will either be in Missouri with my fiance's family or I will be working in my home town. I'm still undecided on how I feel about that. Part of me feels hurt...I've been to this shelterhouse every summer for the past...six or seven years. It's the sign that my summer has truly begun. But at the same time, I'm glad I'm not going back. I need a break. I don't think I can face that shelterhouse right now...not after the past three summers.



This post was really hard for me to write. I actually started it yesterday right after my class but I had to stop. When I started writing it again, I kept having to take a break. I cried...a lot. I've sat staring at the computer, lost in memories, for minutes upon minutes before I realized I was in the middle of a word and I need to finish my thought. It was so hard to write all this down, to talk about the pain of losing my dad and Brenna, to relive my night with alcohol and him...to remember it all. I may not have wanted to write any of this but now that I have, the load upon my shoulders feels lighter. I'm still fighting the urge to delete this whole thing and I probably will every time I see it in my post list. But I won't. It needs to be here.


This needed to be said.



Please, dear readers, don't think any less of me for what I have said. This has all been in my past. I cannot change it now. I can, however, take the lessons I have learned and the pain I have felt and use them to make myself better. That is what I'm trying to do now.



"I finally got some sense knocked into me...and I've got the bump to prove it." - Simba


Yes, that is a Lion King quote but it fits right now. My eyes have finally opened to what was wrong in my life. I have the experiences, mistakes, and pain to prove it. It's time I change. And I'm going to do what needs to be done to make that happen.


Enough heavy talk for tonight. It has been an emotionally exhausting day. I need to go to bed so I can wake up fresh and rested for Bacon Friday in the morning. I'm even going to make the extra effort to look fancy. It's a new dawn, a new day. I'm ready to get better.


Starting now.


Goodnight. Sleep tight. And don't let the bedbugs bite!

Newsflash!

This has been one of the best nights I have ever had.


Italian Riverdancing Zombie Cell Phone Jenga and staying up late plotting murder with a shirtless Hugh Jackman.


That's all you need to know.



It was one of those "you had to be there" kind of things. But trust me, if you HAD been there, it would have been one of the best nights you ever had too.


Thanks, Abba. I needed that. Really.


To my fellow particpants, I'm sorry if, by the end, I seemed less enthusiastic. Wednesdays are my long days. I've been up since 6 after only 5 hours of restless sleep. And I was in pain (stupid back). But that was amazing. And I thank all of you too.


Until next time...don't forget to smile!

I may need toothpicks to hold open my eyelids...

I am exhausted.


This whole creepy dream thing...not cool.


It's like I'm reading or watching anything scary or disturbing before I go to sleep.


Two nights ago, I watched The Emperor's New Groove...last night I watched Mamma Mia. Sure, the emperor becomes a llama and there's all kind of mama drama...but nothing that should trigger those kinds of dreams.


Dreams of people dying, myself included...

They're so vivid and detailed...I still can't get them out of my head.


The one that's really getting to me today is hard to explain. It made perfect sense in my brain but on paper...it might not.


So I was camping with a large group of family and friends somewhere in the mountains. Now I know these people were supposed to be my family and friends but I didn't recognize any of them from real life. Except for one. My friend's dad...who died last year. He was in my dream. He was MY dad.

Anyway. So the entire group decides to hike to the top of the mountain. We find a trail that has actual stairs carved out of the mountainside. We start climbing. Close to the top we can hear the sound of waterfalls. So we start exploring. And we come across this system of absolutely gorgeous waterfalls. I pull out my camera and start taking pictures like crazy. I mean, it was absolutely breathtaking! Our group hears some sort of growling from the tree line and the next thing I know, people are scared, I feel someone nudge me in the back, and I topple over the main waterfall! I'm just falling and falling...I can hear the thundering of the falls and screams and cries from the cliff where my family still stands. But I'm just falling.


And then I wake up.




Creepy, right?



Yeah, I thought so too.



That's what I dealt with last night. I was actually excited when my alarm went off this morning. That is, until I went outside and saw the state of my car. With all my complaining about the snow yesterday, I didn't even think to go outside and clean off my car while it was daylight and I wasn't rushing off to work. 15 mintues later, my car windows were clear enough to see through (though my wipers are still frozen down...grr). Turns out that there's a lot of black ice in the dorm parking lot. Like a giant patch of it right behind my car. Joy. I almost took out the barrier fence when I backed up. I had to rev my car a bit to get over the hump of snow left from the snow plows and just happened to hit the ice patch. Luckily my brakes chose that moment to work exceptionally well and I did not crash through the fence and down the ditch. Still. My heart just about stopped from shock.


Now I've been sitting at work, doing homework, and wishing I was at home asleep. Or at least trying to sleep. I just don't have the energy to go to classes today. Or any day this week. Because there are only four days due to our extended Easter weekend. Yay. Only 4 days to go.


Thursday cannot get here soon enough.

I just have one thing to say today...

Bellybuttons.


That is all.

Whoops...

Soooo...I obviously fail at writing here every day.


It's not completely my fault. I've been super busy: spent all day Saturday shopping in KC, Sunday was church, lunch and more shopping, Monday and Tuesday I worked and was too tired to write by the time I got home...and today I'm finally sitting down to write again.


*shrugs* oh well. I'm still planning to write in this every day...I guess that choosing a few days before Spring Break wasn't the smartest plan on my part. I'll do my best to keep up.


Anyway...I'm not quite sure what to write about tonight...

I could write about how frustrated I am with my mother and her inability to let me be an adult and have my own life outside of her reach. Then again I feel like that's a post for another time...maybe when I have enough energy to vent about her.

Or I could write about how my fiance has spent the entire day watching Doctor Who and playing with his Legos when I had hoped he would want to do something with me. *shrugs* I'm used to him being like that though...it's just the way he is. And I love him no matter what.

Hmm...I could write about how I've started doing this daily workout thing. It's pretty nifty actually. It's five moves taken from yoga and ballet stretches that target your thighs, butt, and abs. I've done them three days in a row and they feel good. I don't like having anyone watch me do them though because you actually lie on your back and use the wall and it looks a bit awkward. Also, I'm pretty self concious when it comes to people watching me work out. But whatever. These stretch things feel good. Never thought I'd enjoy working out.

I could also write about how excited I am to get my hermies *grins* yes, you read that right. Last week I decided I wanted a pet. The next day I went to the mall and saw this kiosk selling hermit crabs. While I've never owned hermies, I've known people who have and I've always wanted to. So I made the decision to save up and become a hermie owner. I actually just got done reading a Hermit Crabs for Dummies book. I know it sounds lame but hey, I want to make sure my little crabbies stay alive and healthy. I dug out an old fish tank my mom had around the house and am going to clean it out tomorrow. I can't wait to get back to school and get the tank set up. Then I can get my babies!!! *happy dance*


Looking back at what I've written, I've talked about everything major that's happened to me today. Maybe not in detail but I did. Sorry, dear reader(s), I'm tired. And I don't have much to say. Some days will be like this. Some days I'll have absolutely nothing to say. Other days I'll rant. Or lament. Or rejoice. It will just depend. Have patience with me. I'm healing. And healing takes longer than just a couple days, weeks or even years. This is me starting over, beginning the healing process. I'll get there, just you wait.


Goodnight, world. I'll see you sometime tomorrow.

I think I'll try defying gravity

I'm in such a good mood I feel like my feet aren't touching the ground...


I might possibly be subconsciously be trying to defy gravity.

Cool.



Anyway...this is going to be another short entry for two reasons.


1.) I'm in a ridiculously excellent mood and I have nothing to say other than that...

2.) It's absolutely gorgeous outside and I'm just slightly distracted...like a lot.


Yay *grins*


As of right now, I have an online assignment, some emails to send out, and some pictures to take. Then I'm done. Tomorrow I'll get up, go to TGIBF, hit up Walmart, then pack. At 1 o'clock, I'm grabbing my Pops Concert tickets then I'm hitting the road. HOMEWARD BOUND!!!!


Sure, I'm still unsure of how this break is going to go. I had planned to spend it running around doing wedding stuff. Now I don't have to (and I'm still not sure how I feel about that). Instead I get to run around and see people...which I am excited for. Though I'm not looking forward to all the questions and worried glances. Chill, people. We postponed the wedding; we didn't break up. Relax. I plan to.


Anyways...this break is going to be good...but still busy. I also have some projects to work on. Goody. Oh well. It'll be great!


Now...time to go be social with my roommates before we all head our separate ways tomorrow.


Also, dear readers...GO OUTSIDE. ENJOY IT!!! *grins*


Okay, now I'm done...

I thank God for this day, for the sun in the sky...

It was an absolutely beautiful day today.


The sun was shining, I didn't have to wear my heavy coat, it smelled like spring...


And tomorrow it's just going to be better...*grins*



Spring Break is almost here...I can just feel the stress sliding off my shoulders.


This is what I have left:

7-9: work
9:30-10:30: chapel
11: test on volleyball
3-5: work

That's it.

Then Friday is here and all I have to do is pack and do an online assignment that's due at 11. And then...HOME!!!! For nine glorious days...home.


*grins*...I just...can't wait!!


And now...bedtime. I know this is short and it doesn't say much but...I've gotten less than 9 hours of sleep the past two nights combined. I was going to sleep in til 9 tomorrow but then a friend asked me to cover her shift because her mom is in the hospital. I just couldn't say no...I've been there. Besides...more money for me. And cashiering in the morning is easy peasy. Anyway...


Goodnight, world!

The Crashing Down of Hollow Years

Carry me to the shoreline
Bury me in the sand
Walk me across the water
Maybe you'll understand

Once the stone you're crawling under
Is lifted off your shoulders
Once the cloud that's raining
Over your head disappears
The noise that you'll hear is
The crashing down of hollow years

 - Hollow Years by Dream Theater


I hadn't heard this song in ages but this part rolled through my brain while I sat at work today. I've always loved this song but it never really meant much to me, you know? It's a beautiful song and the lyrics are well-written but their meaning didn't hit me until today.

"Once the stone you're crawling under is lifted off your shoulders, once the cloud that's raining over your head disappears, the noise that you'll hear is the crashing down of hollow years."

That's what I'm living right now. I've been living under all this bitterness and anger and depression and letting it sit heavy upon my shoulders like a huge rock. I've been living like Eeyore with a rain cloud over my head and gloomy outlook on everything. Now I'm walking out from under that rain cloud, leaving the boulder behind, and I can just feel my old world come crashing down.

In the best possible ways.

Hollow years...that's a very good description of the past couple years. It's confusing at the same time because I have never felt more emotion than I have in the past few years. Hopelessness, desparation, anger, depression, passion, desire, excitement ...I felt nearly every emotion known to man...and probably a few my hormones decided to create. I have loved and lost, hoped and failed...yet all those feelings left me hollow. I used up everything inside me just to feel those emotions. That kind of intensity left very little.

I don't want to be hollow anymore.

I want to feel all those things, the good and the bad, but I want them to honestly mean things now. I want to remember why I felt them, not just the fact that I felt them. I want them to be real, not just reactions to situations and people.


Please, don't take that to mean that everything I have felt in the past few years has been unreal or pretend in ANY fashion. Like I said, it's confusing. I felt things but...it wasn't enough...does that make sense?


Anyway...I'm ready to be done with my hollow years. I'm ready to move on.


Bring it on, world. Chrissi is ready.

Extreme Makeover: Chrissi edition

Well.


Umm.


Yeah...


I have no idea where to start.

I honestly don't.


There's just so much...*sigh*


Alright, here's the deal. Last year, I used this blog as a way to vent, to get my feelings and thoughts outta my brain and down somewhere so I could sort them out. Then things got better. I didn't have as much to vent about. So I stopped. Then things got bad again...so bad that I couldn't even write about it because it hurt too much. Times were confusing and painful. I would write every now and then but it wasn't good, it wasn't helpful. It was just too much.

I would hide behind forced smiles and stained laughter. I don't know if anyone else noticed this but I stopped looking people in the eye. I didn't want them to see what I was hiding and I didn't want to see their pity or concern. I cried easily and snapped even easier. It didn't take much anymore. Ask my fiance...he got the burnt of all that. It was awful and terrible and, pardon the Relient K reference but, who I am, who I truly am inside, hates who I've been. It's like I've been trapped inside myself. I've been looking out, seeing, feeling, hearing everything I've been doing all this time. Yes, I have been doing all that BUT there was always a part of me, small and scared, resisting, shuddering at everything that happened.

I can't really describe to you what it was like. Imagine if Dr. Jekyll was fully concious while Hyde was running around killing people. He would experience everything Hyde did as if he were doing it himself but he wouldn't have the ability to stop him. He would be an observer of his own self without any control. That's about what I've felt like the past...oh...I don't even know...3 years? Maybe only 2. But still...yeah. I have done and said things I wouldn't have. At least the old me wouldn't have me. I've become that monster. That thing I told myself I would never become.

It's wrecked my life. It isolated me, made me bitter and hopeless. It almost destroyed my relationship. I honestly hate looking at myself in the mirror anymore, even just to brush my teeth or check my hair in the morning. I hate seeing what I've become. I can't even look myself in the eyes anymore. I have failed.

I can't live like this anymore. No more quick fixes or forced happiness. I'm done. Pardon my French but...it's time to get my shit together. I have been broken and dead inside for too long.

So get ready, self. It's time for Extreme Makeover: Chrissi edition. This baby's getting remodeled inside and out. Mostly inside...I'm not going on some ridiculous body make over thing...though I am going to work on that a bit too...more on that later. Anyway. I need your help, blog. I'm going to use you. Every day I am going to write here. Even if it's just a paragraph. I'm going to do it. I'm going to vent, I'm going to rant, I'm going to explain, I'm going to think things through...and I need your help to do it. It helped last year. I hope it does this time too. I just need to get it all out...my worries, my fears, my memories, my depression, my exhaustion, my hopes and dreams...all of it. I need to process it in some way other than rolling it all around in my head. There's not enough room up there right now.

Anyway. I fill you in as we go along. There's a lot to say and honestly, I don't want to say any of it. Everything I write is going to be raw and honest and most of it isn't going to be pretty. But this needs to happen. And it's going to. Even if I have to go through this with just God and my blog, I will do this. I have to. Or I could lose everything I have ever cared about. And then life really wouldn't be worth living anymore...

So here I go. Wish me luck!

I'm reaching but I fall...

I'm trying. I really am. I texted you; I made the first move. The ball is your court now.


I don't know where this is going to go. I don't know what's going to happen.


All I know is I can't take the hate and pain and anger anymore. There just isn't enough room in my life for it anymore. I'm getting married this summer, I graduate from college in two years...I need to move on with my life. And I know you've moved on with yours. You're married now and with a baby on the way...



I'm not saying I'm okay with what happened. But I can't dwell on it anymore. I can't let it have the control it does over my life.


So here I go. I'm offering the olive branch, burying the hatchet, letting sleeping dogs lie. As Pumba says, I'm putting my behind in the past.


This isn't going to be easy. It's going to be awkward and painful. But it needs to be done. I want things to be fixed. Please? Can we at least give it a try?