Saying goodbye should be a crime.

I know, I know...it's been a long time since I last wrote.


Part of that is I really just haven't had the time. The past couple weeks have been full of papers, projects, presentations, extra shifts at work, and lots of catching up. My spare time has been very limited and I've been using it to spend precious time with my fiance and friends.


Deep down, I know part of the reason I never forced myself to write on here again is because I didn't want to look back at those terrible words I had written. I have a very bad habit of not being able to forgive myself. Especially when it comes to hurting the ones I love. And I know I hurt him the last time I wrote something. And I didn't want to see that again.


Especially since my mindset with him and the whole summer thing is so fragile right now.


Ugh. I hate Mother Nature and her control over my hormones and feelings and stuff.


I was really proud of myself. I've been very positive about this whole separated-for-the-summer thing the past week or so. I hadn't brought it up in conversations. I was going out of my way to make plans with friends and family. I'm going to spend a weekend with a friend in Emporia. I'm making plans to go see my dad for the first time in almost two years. My fiance and I have even thought of some things we want to do together when I come visit. I was actually starting to get excited for this summer.


And then everyone started counting down to graduation. And Mother Nature decided now would be a good time to visit (even though she hasn't even truly arrived yet...she's still wreaking havoc upon my state of mind *pouts*).


So I now have 13 days until I say goodbye. Just that thought can make me cry (which I am...in the middle of work...CURSE YOU, MOTHER NATURE!!!!!)


13 days filled with hours that will fly by too fast for my liking. Especially since this weekend I won't even be here. I have to go home to help at a wedding and work a shift at DollarTree. I'm half hoping they won't be able to put me on the shift just so I can come home sooner.


Now please don't think it's just leaving my fiance that's doing this to me. I'm not that super obsessive girlfriend. Chill. I love him more than words can express, yes. He is my best friend whom I can trust my life to, yes. But it's not just him I'm saying goodbye to. Quite a few of my friends are graduating this year. I am so proud of them for all that they have accomplished and I hope their lives are fantastic and they find everything they're searching for.


But I hate saying goodbye. Especially when I don't know how soon I'll be saying hello again.


I guess that's why long-distance relationships were never my thing.


I may be introverted and sometimes even anti-social but really, I like being around the people I love. I like surrounding myself with the people I have fun with. So this whole long-distance thing...nope.


So I was already struggling with having to tell friends goodbye and now I'm going to be separated from my fiance, my best friend for the whole summer. Ugh.



I was so proud of myself for having such a positive attitude about it...but Doubt and Worry, the little imps, like to whisper and gossip. And now, in my moment of weakness, they're reminding me of all my insecurities, all my fears and worries...they're on replay in the back of my mind. I can't laugh loud enough to drown them out today.


My roommate suggested sitting down with my fiance and having a serious talk about this summer and how we both feel about it. Part of me wants to but a larger part of me doesn't. I don't want him to see my worries. I don't want him to brush them off like he's done sometimes before. I don't want him to feel guilty or
get mad at me for being a silly emotional girl. I don't want him to see all my fears and worries because he needs this summer, he needs these internships, these jobs, this chance to be on his own. I don't want to stand in the way of that.


I'm just going to miss him so much.


I know he worries I can't be independent without him. Honestly, that hurt the first time he told me that. Because it's not true. I know I'm independent without him. I just prefer to be around him. Because, as I've said before, he's not only my fiance. He's my best friend. He's the one I can always count on. We have our moments but he's always there. Even on the night when we had our huge discussion thing and ended up moving the wedding, even when he wasn't sure what was going to happen between us that night...as soon, as soon as he saw me crying, he pulled me in his arms, held me tight, and told me everything was going to be alright. He's my person...the first one I call when I'm in trouble, the first one I let see me cry about something bothering me, the first one that can get me to smile after crying, the first one I tell good news to...


*breathes deep*


God, you did that on purpose.


Thank you.



I've been in a country mood today so I'm listening to my country love song playlist on Spotify. I was listening to "Check Yes or No" by George Strait, which is one of my all-time favorites. The next song to play was "Carrying Your Love with Me" also by George Strait.


If you haven't heard the song, here's the chorus:

'Cause I'm carrying your love with me
West Virginia down to Tennessee
I'll be moving with the good Lord's speed
Carrying your love with me
It's my strength for holding 
Every minute that I have to be gone
I'm carrying your love with me

*sigh* I needed that.


Ha! And now it's "God Gave Me You" by Blake Shelton...


Keep it coming, Abba...I need to hear it...


That wonderful moment when God hears your silent prayer, laughs to himself, then gives you an answer in an unconventional way...like songs on a playlist.


Now I have goosebumps...thank you, Abba.


I'm still struggling with all this. I really am. But I trust in my Abba and I believe in the strength of my love for Jake. It's going to be rough, at least in the beginning, but it will all work out. Besides, he'll only be an hour away if I truly need to see him.


All I'm saying is thank the good Lord I am not marrying a military man. That would just kill me. Those women are so strong and they sacrifice so much. I could never do that.


Anyway...I'm gonna stop here. I should probably try to stop crying too, before any customers show up. That could be awkward.


13 days...I have 13 days (technically 11 since I'll be gone Friday night through Sunday afternoon). I'm going to make them count. I'm going to hug him tighter, kiss him more often, tell him I love him whenever I can, laugh with him at every chance, and savor every last bit of time we have together. I'm going to hug all my friends goodbye and tell them I'm so happy for them as they go on to have great lives. I'm going to be okay.