Newsflash!

This has been one of the best nights I have ever had.


Italian Riverdancing Zombie Cell Phone Jenga and staying up late plotting murder with a shirtless Hugh Jackman.


That's all you need to know.



It was one of those "you had to be there" kind of things. But trust me, if you HAD been there, it would have been one of the best nights you ever had too.


Thanks, Abba. I needed that. Really.


To my fellow particpants, I'm sorry if, by the end, I seemed less enthusiastic. Wednesdays are my long days. I've been up since 6 after only 5 hours of restless sleep. And I was in pain (stupid back). But that was amazing. And I thank all of you too.


Until next time...don't forget to smile!

I may need toothpicks to hold open my eyelids...

I am exhausted.


This whole creepy dream thing...not cool.


It's like I'm reading or watching anything scary or disturbing before I go to sleep.


Two nights ago, I watched The Emperor's New Groove...last night I watched Mamma Mia. Sure, the emperor becomes a llama and there's all kind of mama drama...but nothing that should trigger those kinds of dreams.


Dreams of people dying, myself included...

They're so vivid and detailed...I still can't get them out of my head.


The one that's really getting to me today is hard to explain. It made perfect sense in my brain but on paper...it might not.


So I was camping with a large group of family and friends somewhere in the mountains. Now I know these people were supposed to be my family and friends but I didn't recognize any of them from real life. Except for one. My friend's dad...who died last year. He was in my dream. He was MY dad.

Anyway. So the entire group decides to hike to the top of the mountain. We find a trail that has actual stairs carved out of the mountainside. We start climbing. Close to the top we can hear the sound of waterfalls. So we start exploring. And we come across this system of absolutely gorgeous waterfalls. I pull out my camera and start taking pictures like crazy. I mean, it was absolutely breathtaking! Our group hears some sort of growling from the tree line and the next thing I know, people are scared, I feel someone nudge me in the back, and I topple over the main waterfall! I'm just falling and falling...I can hear the thundering of the falls and screams and cries from the cliff where my family still stands. But I'm just falling.


And then I wake up.




Creepy, right?



Yeah, I thought so too.



That's what I dealt with last night. I was actually excited when my alarm went off this morning. That is, until I went outside and saw the state of my car. With all my complaining about the snow yesterday, I didn't even think to go outside and clean off my car while it was daylight and I wasn't rushing off to work. 15 mintues later, my car windows were clear enough to see through (though my wipers are still frozen down...grr). Turns out that there's a lot of black ice in the dorm parking lot. Like a giant patch of it right behind my car. Joy. I almost took out the barrier fence when I backed up. I had to rev my car a bit to get over the hump of snow left from the snow plows and just happened to hit the ice patch. Luckily my brakes chose that moment to work exceptionally well and I did not crash through the fence and down the ditch. Still. My heart just about stopped from shock.


Now I've been sitting at work, doing homework, and wishing I was at home asleep. Or at least trying to sleep. I just don't have the energy to go to classes today. Or any day this week. Because there are only four days due to our extended Easter weekend. Yay. Only 4 days to go.


Thursday cannot get here soon enough.

I just have one thing to say today...

Bellybuttons.


That is all.

Whoops...

Soooo...I obviously fail at writing here every day.


It's not completely my fault. I've been super busy: spent all day Saturday shopping in KC, Sunday was church, lunch and more shopping, Monday and Tuesday I worked and was too tired to write by the time I got home...and today I'm finally sitting down to write again.


*shrugs* oh well. I'm still planning to write in this every day...I guess that choosing a few days before Spring Break wasn't the smartest plan on my part. I'll do my best to keep up.


Anyway...I'm not quite sure what to write about tonight...

I could write about how frustrated I am with my mother and her inability to let me be an adult and have my own life outside of her reach. Then again I feel like that's a post for another time...maybe when I have enough energy to vent about her.

Or I could write about how my fiance has spent the entire day watching Doctor Who and playing with his Legos when I had hoped he would want to do something with me. *shrugs* I'm used to him being like that though...it's just the way he is. And I love him no matter what.

Hmm...I could write about how I've started doing this daily workout thing. It's pretty nifty actually. It's five moves taken from yoga and ballet stretches that target your thighs, butt, and abs. I've done them three days in a row and they feel good. I don't like having anyone watch me do them though because you actually lie on your back and use the wall and it looks a bit awkward. Also, I'm pretty self concious when it comes to people watching me work out. But whatever. These stretch things feel good. Never thought I'd enjoy working out.

I could also write about how excited I am to get my hermies *grins* yes, you read that right. Last week I decided I wanted a pet. The next day I went to the mall and saw this kiosk selling hermit crabs. While I've never owned hermies, I've known people who have and I've always wanted to. So I made the decision to save up and become a hermie owner. I actually just got done reading a Hermit Crabs for Dummies book. I know it sounds lame but hey, I want to make sure my little crabbies stay alive and healthy. I dug out an old fish tank my mom had around the house and am going to clean it out tomorrow. I can't wait to get back to school and get the tank set up. Then I can get my babies!!! *happy dance*


Looking back at what I've written, I've talked about everything major that's happened to me today. Maybe not in detail but I did. Sorry, dear reader(s), I'm tired. And I don't have much to say. Some days will be like this. Some days I'll have absolutely nothing to say. Other days I'll rant. Or lament. Or rejoice. It will just depend. Have patience with me. I'm healing. And healing takes longer than just a couple days, weeks or even years. This is me starting over, beginning the healing process. I'll get there, just you wait.


Goodnight, world. I'll see you sometime tomorrow.

I think I'll try defying gravity

I'm in such a good mood I feel like my feet aren't touching the ground...


I might possibly be subconsciously be trying to defy gravity.

Cool.



Anyway...this is going to be another short entry for two reasons.


1.) I'm in a ridiculously excellent mood and I have nothing to say other than that...

2.) It's absolutely gorgeous outside and I'm just slightly distracted...like a lot.


Yay *grins*


As of right now, I have an online assignment, some emails to send out, and some pictures to take. Then I'm done. Tomorrow I'll get up, go to TGIBF, hit up Walmart, then pack. At 1 o'clock, I'm grabbing my Pops Concert tickets then I'm hitting the road. HOMEWARD BOUND!!!!


Sure, I'm still unsure of how this break is going to go. I had planned to spend it running around doing wedding stuff. Now I don't have to (and I'm still not sure how I feel about that). Instead I get to run around and see people...which I am excited for. Though I'm not looking forward to all the questions and worried glances. Chill, people. We postponed the wedding; we didn't break up. Relax. I plan to.


Anyways...this break is going to be good...but still busy. I also have some projects to work on. Goody. Oh well. It'll be great!


Now...time to go be social with my roommates before we all head our separate ways tomorrow.


Also, dear readers...GO OUTSIDE. ENJOY IT!!! *grins*


Okay, now I'm done...

I thank God for this day, for the sun in the sky...

It was an absolutely beautiful day today.


The sun was shining, I didn't have to wear my heavy coat, it smelled like spring...


And tomorrow it's just going to be better...*grins*



Spring Break is almost here...I can just feel the stress sliding off my shoulders.


This is what I have left:

7-9: work
9:30-10:30: chapel
11: test on volleyball
3-5: work

That's it.

Then Friday is here and all I have to do is pack and do an online assignment that's due at 11. And then...HOME!!!! For nine glorious days...home.


*grins*...I just...can't wait!!


And now...bedtime. I know this is short and it doesn't say much but...I've gotten less than 9 hours of sleep the past two nights combined. I was going to sleep in til 9 tomorrow but then a friend asked me to cover her shift because her mom is in the hospital. I just couldn't say no...I've been there. Besides...more money for me. And cashiering in the morning is easy peasy. Anyway...


Goodnight, world!

The Crashing Down of Hollow Years

Carry me to the shoreline
Bury me in the sand
Walk me across the water
Maybe you'll understand

Once the stone you're crawling under
Is lifted off your shoulders
Once the cloud that's raining
Over your head disappears
The noise that you'll hear is
The crashing down of hollow years

 - Hollow Years by Dream Theater


I hadn't heard this song in ages but this part rolled through my brain while I sat at work today. I've always loved this song but it never really meant much to me, you know? It's a beautiful song and the lyrics are well-written but their meaning didn't hit me until today.

"Once the stone you're crawling under is lifted off your shoulders, once the cloud that's raining over your head disappears, the noise that you'll hear is the crashing down of hollow years."

That's what I'm living right now. I've been living under all this bitterness and anger and depression and letting it sit heavy upon my shoulders like a huge rock. I've been living like Eeyore with a rain cloud over my head and gloomy outlook on everything. Now I'm walking out from under that rain cloud, leaving the boulder behind, and I can just feel my old world come crashing down.

In the best possible ways.

Hollow years...that's a very good description of the past couple years. It's confusing at the same time because I have never felt more emotion than I have in the past few years. Hopelessness, desparation, anger, depression, passion, desire, excitement ...I felt nearly every emotion known to man...and probably a few my hormones decided to create. I have loved and lost, hoped and failed...yet all those feelings left me hollow. I used up everything inside me just to feel those emotions. That kind of intensity left very little.

I don't want to be hollow anymore.

I want to feel all those things, the good and the bad, but I want them to honestly mean things now. I want to remember why I felt them, not just the fact that I felt them. I want them to be real, not just reactions to situations and people.


Please, don't take that to mean that everything I have felt in the past few years has been unreal or pretend in ANY fashion. Like I said, it's confusing. I felt things but...it wasn't enough...does that make sense?


Anyway...I'm ready to be done with my hollow years. I'm ready to move on.


Bring it on, world. Chrissi is ready.