*shout of happiness* times a billion

I AM ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



TO THE MOST WONDERFUL MAN IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





My cheeks hurt...I can't stop smiling once I say that...I am engaged...*sigh of happiness*


Thank you, Abba...for everything...I am so blessed...

Ever sighing, ever dying...

Thank You, Abba...for staying by my side throughout the night...


Sweet dreamless sleep...


Now, Abba...I ask you to be with me over the next hour...keep me focused and give me the trust in myself I need to remember the answers...please?


*sigh*

Just one more day...

Curse my overactive imagination...

I don't even have to close my eyes and I can picture the nightmares waiting for me tonight. They hide in the shadows of room, they call out to me from every corner and cervice. They're waiting, arms open to greet me like old lovers seeking a warm reunion...


But they will not win me tonight...


I truly hate how my imagination plays games with my sanity. I know I had an imaginary friend growing up and my friends and I would spend hours upon hours creating games and acting out stories...but geesh...nothing was ever taken this far...


No...the Shadow Man enjoys visiting me...he enjoys waiting in the darkness of my mind, giving me hope that he has left only to reappear at my highest (or most stressed) point in life...

He's like a stain upon my conciousness...or unconciousness I should say...since I only see him in my nightmares...though his presence lingers on in the daytime...


Is it sad that part of me finds it funny how, if someone who didn't know me very well read this...what would they think? That'd I'd lost my marble, gone off the deep end, my lightbulb burnt out or my hamster stopped running...something along those lines...


Ahh, my friend, you would be close to the truth...except that I have never been sane...just basking in my own type of insanity...but that's normal these days...Ha! Normal...normal is just a setting on a washing machine...


Abba, I know You're with me...I know that's why the Shadow Man keeps his distance. I am safe in Your arms...no matter what. So I ask you, Abba...no, tonight I beg...hold me closer than ever...let me fall into a dreamless sleep tonight so that I may be rested for my final in the morning...so that the Shadow Man may once again disappear...


Can I bring my angel into this? He's so wonderful...so amazing...I don't know how I got so lucky...

Yet another thing to prove to me that You are good and You will always take care of me and give me what I need, Abba...I've known him almost my whole life, he's been right in front of me this whole time...and You've just been bidding your time...waiting to show me that he was mine and I am his...


Somehow he puts up with my crazy outbursts...mhm...


I love sleeping by his side...the few occassions when we've napped next to each other or when one or the other has fallen asleep on the other's lap...no matter what the circumstance is, it's always the best sleep I've had in ages...when I'm with him, I feel safe...and the Shadow Man shrinks deeper into his corner...my angel protects me...just by holding me while I sleep...just an added bonus for the wonderful feeling of being in his arms...mhm...


I wish he could sit with me tonight until I fell asleep...I would feel so much safer, Abba...though I do not doubt Your power...but alas, it is not meant to be...the rules would not stand for it and neither would decorum...no, it is not time for that yet...


It should be time for sleeping though...but I still cannot rest easy...


So I'll lay here and watch The Prince of Eygpt, letting the beautiful story and gorgeous music lull me into a peaceful bliss so that I may sleep...

"Hush now, my baby. Be still, love, don't cry. Sleep as you're rocked by the stream. Sleep and remember my last lullaby and I'll be with you when you dream..."


*sigh of relief*


Thank You, Abba...for everything...

You have GOT to be kidding me

So...3 bombs and 2 fire alarms later...the entire freshman girls' dorm is awake and out for blood...



Dear boys who decided to be jerkwads last night,
For real??!?!?!! What the HELL were you thinking??? No, they weren't threatening but that was still the stupidest thing you could have done. Whoever you are, be warned. Once we find out who you are, you will be sorry. Somehow you managed to not wake me up but you woke the rest of the dorm...and you will pay for stupidity. Easy as that.



And dear firefighters,
I apologize for having to come to the dorm twice within an hour for nothing. Especially since Campus Safety has NO idea why it went off either time. It went off in two rooms next to each other but they said there was clear evidence that all the occupants were sleeping and not doing anything to cause the alarms to go off.


Ugh....I'm ticked and I don't even have any finals today...I feel awful for those who do have finals...the past 12 hours have been hell....perfect... *grimaces*



And today was supposed to be my easiest day this week...cool story, bro...


Didn't even get to go back to sleep...might as well start the day now...I can get some packing done...



ONLY 2 MORE DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Thank God...

And the rain rain rain came down down down...

Woke up this morning and really didn't want to move...



I'm really getting tired of these restless nights (no pun intended). I don't even know what's causing all of it.



It could be finals...but I'm not stressed about any of them. They're all going to be cake. I'm just counting down the days til I can go home and rest...have a REAL break...


So long as I get through today, I'll be okay...


Class at 8, chapel at 9:30, enrolling on my break, New Testament final at 12:15, work from 2 to 4, then a very short break, work again from 5 to 8, 8:30ish...bleck...after that a shower and hopefully seeing mein Engel...*smiles*...mhm...


It amazes me, how after all this time, my heart still flutters at the thought of getting to see him...I've seen so many couples where their love dissipated over time...my love for him is only growing...every day I look at him and think "how did I get so lucky?"


Thank you, Abba...for everything you have given me...but especially for giving me him...



Mhm...and now my short break is over...off into the rain and away to chapel and then the rest of my day...goody...Abba, give me the strength to get through today...I can collapse tomorrow...

HOW DARE YOU!

How dare you jump all over her for my choices?! How dare you make her feel like pure dirt when she has done nothing, NOTHING to deserve it??!! HOW DARE YOU!!!!!



If I didn't hold to my upbringing when it comes to respecting my elders, so help me...I would actually punch you.


Say what you want about me. I am strong enough to handle whatever you throw my way. I honestly don't care what you say anymore. She, on the other hand, is weak when it comes to self-confidence. You have drilled into her since she was small that she will never be enough for you. Never. Really?


No one is perfect. Everyone has their own issues. But you set yourself above the rest of us and  put us down constantly. We're not good enough.


Guess what.


I don't care if I'm not good enough for you.


I am good enough for my God and for others. I don't need you if all you're going to do is tell me how wrong I am, how much I'm messing up my life.


Screw. You.

T G I F!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!



I GET TO GO HOME FOR THE WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



*happy dance*




So while I wait for my guy to get out of choir so we can leave, I sit and listen to German pop music....I believe they call that a win *grins*

Dear Mother Nature, I would like to cancel my monthly subscription...

There are days I really hate being a girl...5 days out of every month to be exact...




Curses....bleck.....



I tend to have a pretty high pain tolerance so the cramping and backaches really don't bother me...they're just uncomfortable...


And the bleeding constantly is really annoying...especially in the summer...causes trips to the pool to need careful planning...


But what I hate most are the freaking mood swings...


One minute, I'll be just fine, super happy and everything...next minute something miniscule will annoy me and all I can see is red. In my mind I'm thinking, "okay, Chrissi, it's just such-and-such, nothing to get so pissy about, just calm down and forget it." Meanwhile, my brain is screaming, "Must. Be. Pissed!!!!"



Sounds like fun, right?




Makes me feel like...ultra bipolar or something...geez....or even a tad schizo....it's a right party in my head...




It would be easier if it would stay under control...but it seems no matter what I do, I end up losing control...



And I get really, REALLY sick of the people who tell me "Oh, you're just reacting like this cuz you're on your period."


Umm...not totally....




I usually react that way...you just don't see it because I'm very good at hiding what I truly think when I want to be. It just happens that when I'm on my period, my hormones are going wonky, so my control over my reactions is not as good...so I seem to be angrier......but really, I'm just actually showing my anger instead of hiding it so that it doesn't cause any extra problems.




Bleck...



A part of me really wants to have the dang surgery someday so I don't have to have my period anymore....but that would mean no kids as well...and I very much want the chance to be a mommy some day...



If I can even have kids...



Stupid ovarian cysts...





Why must my lady parts hate me?






On a sidenote, I kinda sorta (not really) feel bad for any guy who reads this post...it's probably grossing him out...but at the same time, dude, if you're going to be married someday...you have to get used to period talk. Heck, you can even come up with a code name for it. My boyfriend calls it "Shark Week". Yeah...I know....he's special...but *shrugs* I love him...


Besides, if you're a REAL man, you would buy your girl tampons or pads...just to show how much you care...


Also, due to the discomfort brought on by cramping and backaches, it is much harder to fall asleep at night...like right now...I've been about ready to pass out for at least an hour...but no....can't get comfortable to sleep...even now i'm not comfortable....bleck...i want sleep!!!





On another (happier) sidenote...tonight, while hanging out with my man i was listening to my favorites playlist on youtube. Toby Keith's song "Huckleberry" came on...my man proceeded to hold me close and sing the song to me...I cried...for real...*sigh*...best part of my day...I love him...

Mhm...I love that song...so much...it always makes me think of him...




I really do need to get to bed...actually in all honesty, I need to do my science homework that is due at 8 tomorrow morning...but I have decided to say screw it...I have my B for the class, that's all I care about...besides, my neck is starting to ache now as well so i'm going to try, once again, to find a comfortable position to fall asleep in...7:30 is going to come sooner than I want it...


Is it Christmas break yet?


Only 17 more sleeps til Christmas...only 8 more til Christmas break...hooray!!!!


So close...


Just like Dreamland...must...go...



Goodnight, world...I'll see you bright and early in the morning...

There are some people who just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.

One person in particular at the moment.



I'm not usually a violent person


But this person is pushing me closer to that edge...




Sir, you do NOT hurt my friends. You do NOT make them fear your actions. You do NOT make them believe everything you do to them is what they deserve. You do NOT follow them around to "talk" to them.



You know what you do?





YOU LEAVE HER THE HELL ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




I swear, boy...you maybe be buff and all that jazz...but do NOT EVER underestimate a well-placed kick in your family jewels. I know I'm "just a girl" but I'm warning you...



You better watch it.

Baby, it's cold outside...

"I really can't stay..."

"Baby, it's cold outside..."


Mhm...



that song has been running through my head ever since we went to Crown Center last night...sure, I shelled out the three bucks to strap on skates...but I was so frozen by the time I actually got up the courage to go out on the ice (I kinda sorta majorly clung to him the entire two rounds...but yeah...) that I really didn't care about skating anymore. The fact that my least favorite person almost ran into me as she rushed by didn't make it any better. Way to make me feel inadequate because of my crappy skating skills. Bleck. But whatever...I don't care.

The whole night was a blast. Even though I spent the majority of the time a frozen statue on the sidelines, I got to hang out with some friends that I don't get to see often outside of choir or work. That was fun...talking about boy problems and stupid profs and finals...the usual. Watching my guy showing off his moves on the ice...mhm...I'm glad he had fun...I know he's missed the ice...I just wish I was a better skater so I could skate with him...instead of looking like an idiot every time I'm on the ice *frustrated sigh* something to work on...




Overall, yesterday was great! Busy, but great...


Mom has started planning my wedding *giggles* even though he hasn't even asked yet...but it's her way of preparing for the Big Day...emotionally and mentally. She's a character. We spent 2 hours talking about it yesterday...every time I answered one of her questions, she popped up with another one...it was insane. Some of the things I'd never even thought of before...when he and I headed back to school, I was talking to him about some of them. Mhm...just talking about our future makes my heart all...fluttery *grins* I knew love was awesome...but I didn't know it felt like this. Everytime I think of him, it's like my heart just sighs with happiness...I can't believe he's mine. Thank you, Abba...for giving me this chance with him. He's not perfect (no one is) but he's perfect for me and I couldn't ask to be loved by anyone else.


Mhm...yay mushiness!!!!



........................and now for a commercial break in this program...aka...I have to go to work......



*roughly an hour later*



.....................and we now return to our usual paid programming....................



*sigh*


Pinterest is not helping me at all. He hasn't even asked yet but every time I get on, I look at the wedding ideas...

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!?!??!?!!!???!!


1. I am a freshman in college, I should NOT be this worried/nervous/excited about my wedding.

2. I've never been much of a girly girl but this stuff just makes me squee

3. HE HASN'T ASKED!!!!!!



I see #3 as the major issue here. Why am I so dang excited for this? Sure, we've talked about it but technically, it is not a done deal yet. When we have talked about it, he's said like 4-5 years away...so why am I so caught up in it now? This is ridiculous. Get it together, Hurd. You have other things to worry about, to take care of. Get your head in the game!


*sigh*


I'm hopeless...




Very hopeless...



I guess the reason I'm so excited for something that's so off in the distance is because it's my dream coming true...for as long as I can remember I've wanted to find the man my Abba had chosen for me and to stay with him for the rest of my life. Well, I've found my man...it's been one heck of an adventure finding him and keeping him (God, I think you had a bit of fun writing our love story, didn't you?.......Uh huh, that's what I thought.) but every step of the way has brought us to where we are now and I couldn't be happier. I honestly cannot help getting mushy when I talk about him anymore...I think I've actually found a whole new level of mushiness...but I'm okay with that *grins* It's just so amazing...I can't even describe it...


I guess what I'm saying is that I've found my man...now on to the next part of the plan...


Mhm...but that part is his job and so I'll wait...it'll be worth every minute...


...And whenever he does ask (if he does), I know it will be perfect...he wouldn't let it be any other way *winks*


Okay, okay...enough is enough...no more talk of this subject...


Must.


Resist.


Pinterest!



.....*clicks Pinterest link*



I am so weak....

Blargh...

It's after one o'clock in the morning...and I can't fall asleep...


Ugh...


It's a good thing I don't have to be up until 10:30 tomorrow...

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

It's December 1st and i am so excited!!! *grins* Christmas is in the air!

All my favorite things about the season are already starting...lights on houses, Salvation Army bell ringers at stores, 25 Days til Christmas on ABC Family, smiles on everyone around...


Christmastime always makes people...nicer, more loving, more helpful, more hopeful...it's beautiful...


Just today, when I went to Wal-Mart, the man parked next to me emptied his cart at the same time I did. I turned around just in time to see him pushing MY cart along with his to the cart thingy without even being asked. Upon returning back to his car, I told him thanks and he replied with a no problem and merry Christmas!
 


Mhm...how wonderful *smiles*



I'm so ready for Christmas with my family...yes, we're broken and still healing...but Christmas is always the time of year we manage to forget everything else and just enjoy being with each other. We laugh and talk and play Bingo and Apples to Apples and stick to our silly traditions but we all enjoy it.



Also, at Christmas, we seem to do things we wouldn't usually...for instance, I just texted my father and am now holding a real conversation with him for the first time since September...all because I felt like it. And he's replying! *sigh of happiness* Sure, I'm still angry at him behind all meaning but he IS still my dad...even if he doesn't really act like it...and honestly, I'm over the whole fact that he left. I'm angry becuase he still treats my mom like a piece of crap and he makes almost no effort to make contact with me or my siblings. I do miss him...I miss the sound of his voice calling my name, talking to him about bands and upcoming concerts, smelling the sawdust that always seemed to linger on him after a long day working in his shop, eating orange cinnamon rolls on Saturday mornings...*sigh*



..............okay..............I'm done for now.........the subject change kinda killed where I was going....oh well....i think i needed to say all that....really....

Hmm....

Is it weird that I find tragic heartbreak songs some of the most beautiful?


No, that's not some cry for help or a secret statement of doubt in my relationship...


Good grief, no...considering I can't get enough of that boy and my heart just sorta sighs with happiness every time I see him...



It's just that those songs are...so haunting and...full of honest emotion...


Here's a good example:

See what I mean? The lyrics are just so sad...but it's a beautiful song...and one that sticks in your head.

Hmm...just a question I had...maybe I'm just a sucker for a happy ending (uh duh) and the fact that the people in these kind of songs don't get a happy ending tugs at my heartstrings...

Makes sense...



Always Only You

I heard this song...and I thought of him right away...



Abba, You've been sneaky...after all these years...and he's been right in front of me the whole time...mhm...


Thank you, Abba...for this wonderful man that I can call my own...



And babe...it will be always only you...

Let those prayers roll down your cheeks...

I both love and hate coming home...


I love it because that means seeing so many faces that I've missed terribly...eating delicious homecooked foods...showering in water that stays warm...






But then I hate it...because it means crying and remembering and dealing with everything I've pushed away for the past couple months as I've tried to start fresh...


It means listening to the worries and sorrows that I've tried so hard to ignore...it means seeing the looks of pity....the hugs meant to be comforting but really just anger me...


I hate it because when I'm home...I become the stronger one...the who's made her own way so she can take care us one...the one who plays the devil's advocate and listens to all sides and questions and tries to come to a conclusion...

But I can't do that anymore...I just can't handle it...I reached my breaking point months ago...how I've still managed to hold on is just...all God...my Abba is the only reason I haven't crashed yet...


Sitting here, the song "7 x 70" comes to mind...


I've been living in this house here
Since the day that I was born
These walls have seen me happy
But most of all they've seen me torn

They've heard the screaming matches
That made a family fall apart
They've had a front row seat
To the breaking of my heart

7 times 70 times
I'll do what it takes to make it right
I thought the pain was here to stay
But forgiveness made a way

7 times 70 times
There's healing in the air tonight
I'm reaching up to pull it down
Gonna wrap it all around

I remember running downt the hallway
Playing hide and seek
I didn't know what I was searching
For someone to notice me

I felt alone and undiscovered
And old enough to understand
Just when I'm s'posed to be learning  to love you
Let me doubt again

7 times 70 times
I'll do what it takes to make it right
I thought the pain was here to stay
But forgiveness made a way

7 times 70 times
There's healing in the air tonight
I'm reaching up to pull it down
Gonna wrap it all around

I lost count of the ways you let me down
But no matter how many times you weren't around
I'm alright now

God picked up my heart and helped me through
And shined a light on the one thing left to do
And that's forgive you
I forgive you

7 times 70 times
If that's the cost, I'll pay the price
7 times 70 times
I'll do what it takes to make it right
I thought the pain was here to stay
But forgiveness made a way

7 times 70 times
There's healing in the air tonight
I'm reaching up to pull it down
Gonna wrap it all around
Yeah, I'm gonna wrap it all around

I've been living in this house here
Since the day that I was born...

I'm afraid I'm only at the verses, Abba...I guess my heart and mind are still so wrapped up in all the suffering I've been through the past couple years...I've spent so much time trying to make others feel better or trying to forget...that all those feelings have just grown and festered inside me...and now they're eating me alive from the inside out...


Every song I hear, every place I go...something somehow reminds me of some memory from the last two years...even the bad times that have been made right...even those still haunt me...



I just want it all to go away, Abba...



I want to forgive and forget so I can move on with my life...can You show me how? Will You stand by me and help me through it all?


I know it's going to hurt, Abba...but it will be like walking on clouds compared to what I've already been through...


Please, Abba...that's all I want...come into my heart and clean it out...make it fresh and new and all for You...make me white as snow again...please...










You don't need to run
You don't need to speak
Baby, take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheeks.
It may be tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight, it's alright...

Just cry...













*sigh of relief*

Sweet sigh of relief...

Wow...it's been...way too long since I've written anything on here...


...*facepalm*...


Guess I need to work on my blogging skills hehe...







...Ahh...



Today was a good day *smiles*



Spent some time adventuring on Mass Street with my little "sister"...


Watched our school football team dominate their way through the first playoff game...


Went to the mall with my amazing and wonderful boyfriend then had dinner at a delicious Italian restaurant I'd never tried before...then movie watching, cuddling and SuperSmashing afterwards...



Mhm...I love spending time with him...some people give me crap because I spend so much time with him...but 1) we've been dating for almost 2 years...yeah we're going to hang out a lot and 2) he's not just my boyfriend, he's one of my best friends and 3) he knows me better than almost anyone and I genuinely enjoy spending time with him...as much as possible...


If you don't like that, then get over it...



Just like what I say to people when they act all shocked and appalled when he kisses me goodnight...umm hello, boyfriend and girlfriend for almost 2 years and have gotten pretty serious here...plus we BOTH have the love language of Physical Touch...so yeah...get over it...



Just saying...



Anyways...



Mhm...also...I love him...like a lot...a lot a lot...I have the ability to get really mushy and lovey dovey where he's concerned...just thought I'd warn you...in case I haven't already...



Mhm...



It's a wonderful feeling...to be so comfortable around another person that you completely forget to keep up all appearances you use in public...all the masks slip away and you can be...yourself...without any worries...it's such a freeing feeling...so beautiful...and precious...


I am so lucky...he'll argue, saying HE's the lucky one...but I say I'm lucky too...to have this kind of relationship with someone...after all this time and all our history...we're still here, together...and I fall in love with him a little more every day...being with him I feel whole...like my soul just kind of woke up and said, "Oh! There you are! I've been looking for you...".

I can't imagine myself with anyone else...and even though there's still that dark little corner doubting something so rare and beautiful can last (especially after what I've seen)...he comes in and changes my mind, reminding me that love is real and what we have is love and it's there and here to stay...


He's my saving grace, in that respect...showing me that love still exists....thank you, Abba, for giving us this chance...for showing me, through him, that love is still real and honest and true...


Being with him....it's like I can breathe...


It's a sweet sigh of relief...and pure joy...


Perfection *smiles*

Have you ever really, really ever loved a woman?

- Be careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of man's rib. Not from his foot to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior, but from his side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected and next to the heart to be loved. -


I find that to be an interesting quote...



I like the idea that woman was made from the rib, not the foot to be walked on, not the head to be superior, but from the side to be equal.


When a man and woman are in a relationship, it should be equal. Not one person taking care of or walking all over the other.


Think two people jumping into each other's arms at the same time...

That should be what love is like



I am very thankful that after all the broken love that I've experienced in my life, that God is still showing me what a wonderful and beautiful thing love can be...


*warning: severe mushiness ahead*



Just the fact that He's given me mein Engel is enough...



The two of us have pretty much been through hell and back during our relationship...


But we're still going strong...and unless God Himself says otherwise, that's not going to change...


It amazes me every day that I can look into his eyes and see his love for me shining back at me...his smile still makes my heart sing...and hearing him say he loves me still take my breath away...and it's been almost 18 months...still going strong...I'll never grow tired of hearing it...and I'll never grow tired of telling him how much I love him either...


*I told you it was gonna get mushy*


Mhm....I really want to keep going on this thought thread...but I have five 13 year old girls to get to bed...*sigh*...so I must stop for now...

The songs are speaking to me...again...

First, Lenka's "The Show" popped up on my Pandora playlist and when I looked at the lyrics, part of it jsut kind of hit me...

And then later, while working on my reading reports for New Testament, I had another playlist playing and Josh Wilson's "Saviour Please" came on and my heart just melted...

I love days like this...when the music I hear just bubbles up inside of me and gives me that little bit of peace I needed to make it through the day...


Thank You, Abba...



for the music playing in my head,

for the piles of leaves on the ground

for the clear sky and shining sun

for my friends and family

for my love

for the hope You've given me

for the strength I'm finding again

for everything...

I wish science was fiction...at least at 8 in the morning

This science class is going to kill me...



What an awful way to die!

Music needs no explanation

I am thoroughly enjoying my Straight No Chaser playlist on Pandora...



It's introduced me to all sorts of new a capella groups that are just...mindblowing...




There's Committed:

And then there's The Backbeats who are just amazing...and the one girl who does the backbeats just...whoa...

They can sound like that....or this....

And then there's On The Rocks, a gigantic all guys group ...

And that's just a few of the groups....




It's...just absolutely mindblowing....




....I think I found my official favorite style of music...



singing like that...without any help except the person singing with you...



That's true talent...

Perfection...

Straight No Chaser and Jack Johnson playing on my radio...



The sun is shining; the 70 degree weather is beautiful...


A peaceful feeling in my heart...


And the ability to just sit and relax...



*sigh*



Ahh...perfection...

Hope is the thing with feathers...and D'Artagnan is the one with mad sword skils

That was the most interesting and unexpected walk I have ever been on...



Sure, it started out awkward...


"So what do you think of this weather?"


Thank you...for just talking...




In some odd way, that felt more like two friends reconnecting after not seeing each other in years than his ex and his current girl trying to bridge that horrid gap between them...


In all honesty, I set out to let you have it, to rip into about how your assumptions and preceptions of me are hurtful and untrue and how you need to stop telling others how awful he and I are...


But instead...we just...talked...about lots of things...


It was entertaining to see how much we have in common...rather strange in a way as well...I've never known anyone else to get as distracted as I do when walking through the trails...or to enjoy puns like I do...hmm...


That's what You wanted, wasn't it, Abba? You wanted the two of us to see what we had in common, to not let the past get in the way of what we thought of each other.


Well, from my point of view, it worked.



And whatever magic You worked over us on our walk continued during the choir concert...it was rather fun when we were able to joke back and forth...I enjoyed the surprised looks on a couple peoples' faces as well...haha...


Didn't expect that, did you?


I hope this lasts...and honestly, I think I may ask her to go on a walk with me again...another thing we had in common was liking to take long walks and just see where our feet would take us...but not having many people who had the time or patience to do so with us...and neither of us really wanted to go alone...plus...we could get to know each better...



I think that's been the problem all along...we don't really know each other...and in all honesty, I would like to remedy that situation...



Random add in: something else I'd like to remedy...learning swordplay...it's so fascinating and daring...I've always wanted to learn...even though there's not much place for it in these times...still...so awesome!!! I guess this was brought on by seeing the 3 Musketeers with everyone last night...watching D'Artagnan totally pwn the soldiers was just epic...wish I could be like that...but no...hmm...


Anyway....


Back to the walk and talk...




I was worried about bringing up the original topic before we got back...but I just felt this peace, like I didn't need to worry about it...and yes, I have checked what you said about it...and it's already looking up...


*sigh of relief*


Does this mean my rollercoaster is going uphill now, Abba? Or do I need to pull a D'Artagnan and fight off 40 soldiers after getting shot in the arm...?


It's looking like an uphill kind of day...


Mhm...

Where do I go from here...?

Today's the day...



UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH



I don't want to do this...at this point, I don't even remember why I'm doing this...



Oh yeah...because she needs to know that her assumptions hurt and that if she would just ask, then she'd see that I'm not the monster she makes me out to be. In fact, scarily enough, we have a lot in common.



Is it irrational of me to think of this walk as two friends going out and discussing something that's come between them in a mature matter?


Of course it is...we're not friends...she can't even the stand the sight of me...nor I her...too many memories...but I have come to realize (at like 3 this morning) that it isn't the memories that hurt anymore...it isn't the fact that he was ever with her...it's the fact that she is saying all this about me because I'm with him now...


And that, my non-friend, is stupid...just flat out stupid. You don't judge someone by who they date, especially given our...unique...circumstances...



I. don't. want. to. do. this.


No.


Don't make me!


Ach...I guess since I'm the one who opened her big mouth and said we needed to talk, it's my fault...



I should really just place duct tape over my mouth whenever she's in the vicinity...


11:11!!!!!!


*closes eyes tight and wishes with all her might*



Oh Abba, please give me the strength to do this...and the peace to survive it...


2 hours and 18 minutes and counting...

It's the end of the world as we know it...but I don't feel fine...

On a sidenote...someone did predict that the world would end today...how ironic is it that it feels like the world as I know it is ending...



Because I told her...I told her we had to talk...

....I fumbled over my words and shook like a sapling in a stormy wind but...I told her...



And now I have to wait until she sends me a message letting me know when she's free...ugh...



I am so not looking forward to this...



But I know it needs to happen...and I do feel a sort of peace knowing that this will be brought out in the open...*sigh*...I just wish it wasn't going to be so messy...


Abba, I'm 99.9% sure that this is what I need to do...if it is, please give me the words to say...if not, please open a hole in the ground to swallow me up...



*looks down*


*doesn't see a hole*



*sighs*


Alright, Abba...I trust You....


Subject change...


Living with almost 30 girls and only having 4 working showers and having to all get ready for the Homecoming banquet tonight...yeah...that's interesting...


Hmm...at least this should distract me...hopefully...

Time to go drown myself in the shower...kinda...in a way...whatever...I'm done now...

Witness my love, my Love

My love, my love

With eyes like a storm

And hair shining like a raven’s wing

My love, my love

With arms so strong

And a beating heart of pure gold

My love, my love

With courage rare

And a voice filled with passion

My love, my love

With life so full

And such a jewel to behold

Wild Things, Rawr!

Okay, honesty time...


I am really getting sick of powderpuff.


We've won ONE game and it was the game I didn't play in...any other game we've been trampled in. Our teammates don't communicate, we don't know what we're doing, and most of us are tired of losing so we give up easily.


It's crap.


I thought this was supposed to be for fun...it's anything but...


And then when I hear girls down the hall (I'm not sure who) saying that it was mine and another girl's fault that we lost tonight?


Ahh hell no.



I ran my butt off for you guys, chasing after one of the fastest people on the other team because I've known her since elementary school so I knew what she'd do and then when I was open (which was most of the game), ya'll didn't even look at me to pass to?


Oh yeah, totally my fault.


My bad.


I'll just stand there next time.



Thank goodness, there's only one game left. Technically, there could be more since it's the start of the playoffs but seeing as we've totally sucked so far, I don't see us making it past the first round.



*sigh*



Add to all this the fact that it was like 40 degrees and we were in shorts, leggings, and t-shirts...yeah....COLD!!!!!! Not exactly spirit-lifting...



Bleck...



The only thing that got me through that game was the knowledge that as soon as I was done, I would get to go see my man *grins*


Mhm...I love him...so much...


It's just really hit me this week...I love him...I love him...like...not some stupid little infatuation that fades over time...but a love that will last...


I suppose that's the reason why I've felt so mushy lately...mhm...hope he doesn't mind *giggles*


*sigh*...I really need to get to bed...

I didn't get to bed until after 1 last night...and then I didn't even sleep very well because of my dreams...I have such strange dreams! Last night, a new drama unfolded full of ghosts and creatures with looks that would make the Muppets and Fraggles jealous...for some reason all these things were at war with each other and I was put in the middle of it...ach...odd....


Prehaps tonight, I will have better luck...though for some reason I doubt it...


Anyways...


I bid you adieu...gute Nacht, alle Menschen der Welt..süße Träume...

Hear Fall's tread, the crunching of scarlet leaves...

Walking outside at 8 o'clock this morning to head to class and glancing at the weather update on my phone to see it say 34 degrees...was shocking...


....brrrrrr....


While I was already bundled up in my peacoat and gloves, it wasn't quite enough...

I suppose a good scraf and maybe a hat would've been best to add to the ensemble but... *shrugs* i don't have either...well...I don't have a scarf...i have a hat...somewhere...hmm...must look for that...


Anyways...


Today was a good day...been rather busy...and am off to my powderpuff game and then to my man's to finish watching Fireproof...

I will speak with you later....

My pen is my sword...

How many stories can I write in a week's time?


So far, I'm up to three...plus an old one that I'm rewriting...and just started a new one today...



Hmm...



I'm quite enjoying this little writing spree...it's been fantastic!


One of these days, I'm going to finish my Mein Engel novel and send it in...Kara will kill me if I don't...haha...but I will finish it...and hopefully, find some way to send it in...


I want to send in my shorts too...do some sort of comp with all of the better ones like One More Round, Nightmare, Another Nightmare, Betrayal...

I'll want to add The Shadow Man and Two Colors once they're finished...oh, and Amazing Harmony too.

*sigh*

So many stories to tell...

There is a castle on a cloud...

Ahh, I love college...


Especially when you go to your least favorite class and then your professor comes in and says the class is canceled because he has a cold and wouldn't be able to speak for the whole class...


Glorious!


Heading back to my room, I remembered my roommate would still be sleeping...so I snuck in and grabbed my laptop and am now cozied up in the lobby, wasting time until chapel.



It's gray and chilly days like this that make me long for a fireplace...ahhh....

One day, in a house of my own...I hope there will be a room with a fireplace...I'll line the walls with shelves for my books and will place a rocking chair by the fire for those cold nights when I want to lose myself in another world...

Ahh...perfection...

Blow, blow, thou winter wind...

...this weather is so dreary...

just makes me want to crawl back to bed with a good book and curl up under my pile of blankets...


*sigh*



this weekend ended up being pretty awesome...yeah I got sick Friday but I recovered quickly and sure, there was a crapload of drama that I did NOT need...but hey, I got to see people I haven't seen in weeks who I've missed a lot...and had some great time with my man too *smiles* Mhm...a good weekend overall....


...and now I'm back at school...where I love the freedom but hate the fact that I don't seem to have enough time to enjoy all that I want to...hmm...


And now to hopefully retrieve my costume for the choir concert, provided the costume lady is actually there now...I hate doing things last minute...bleck...

Now I'm the girl on fire...

Either I've suddenly become terrified of fires...or my dreams now are taking on an extremely symbolic trait...


Last night was the third night in the past week that I've had that dream...


It starts out so beautiful...just me and him lying on blanket in the middle of a meadow surrounded by a gorgeous forest...it's peaceful and beautiful and I never want to leave...


And then suddenly, he's gone and the forest around me erupts into fiercely hot flames...and I can't escape...there's no where to turn...I'm calling his name, I'm calling for help, but nothing happens except that the flames find they love the taste of my skin...


I wake crying and choking on my screams...


Last night, it was the same dream...


Except this time I knew what was going to happen and I tried to tell him but he brushed me off, saying we were safe and that he'd never leave me...

And then, again, he was gone...the tears started flowing but this time I didn't try to run...I just stood there and let the fire dance up my arms...the last thought that ran through my head was that I'd rather feel this burning pain than the sinking hole his leaving had put in my heart...



Abba, what do these dreams mean, if they even mean anything? Why do I keep having them? Even when my eyes are open, the images are still burned (no pun intended) into my brain...





.....I just want it to stop.....

Can I be your Nemo?

I feel like I've been hit in the gut...

Except I'm the one who threw the punch...

That was stupid...why did I do that?

I knew you were joking but I dunno, I guess I wanted to see what you would do...

So I gathered my things and left, just like you said to...





...you didn't follow me...




I walked slowly to give you time to catch up...when I opened the outside door to leave, I expected to hear you say "Don't go!"...once outside, I waited to see if you'd follow or at least look out your window...


...you didn't...


........................that hurt...........................

So I unlocked my bike and pedaled home...the tears started once I got back to my dorm...


Not even a text message asking me where I'd gone...


I guess, in a way, I was testing you...to see if you cared enough to follow me, even if it turned out I was joking...


As a test, you failed...

I think what hurts the most is that I expected you to come after me...it just seemed like something you'd do...but I guess not...


When I did hear from you, it was on Facebook...and it didn't help really at all...every time I asked what YOU wanted, you evaded the question, turning it back to me, wanting to know what I wanted to do...I told you and asked again and you replied, saying that actually you need to head to bed soon...

...add salt to the wound...


We said goodnight...you first, then I...but you never said those three words I was waiting to hear...and promptly got off after I said goodnight, so I couldn't even tell you the words myself...

So here I am, crying, wanting to go to bed and escape into my nightmares but knowing I won't be able to sleep  because I'll be kept up, stewing over this stupid thing because it isn't resolved...


...*heavy sigh*....


My mind is agruing with me...one side says it's my fault and I'm a terrible person for doing that...but the other says that it doesn't matter, you should have followed anyway, even if it was just to let me back inside the building...

.........I hate this..........


Abba, help me...I need comfort and understanding and Your heavenly peace...please...


Please...



Since I know you'll read this eventually...the whole thing was stupid and I'd take it back in an instant...but I really did just want to know if you'd follow me...


I love you, with everything I have, and nothing is going to EVER change that...if it hasn't changed after all this time and all that we've been through, then this stupid thing isn't going to change that either....


I guess I just want to hear you say it's okay and nothing to worry about, just a big misunderstanding...


..................*sigh*.............................


That's it....


I'm going to bed now...prehaps, for once, I'll find comfort in my nightmares...doubt it...I'll wake screaming again...

Music is always playing in my head...

La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la lala lalalalalalalalalala...



Yup...that's right...I'm singing on here...haha...

All day today, random bits of VERY random songs have been popping in and out of my head...

First, it was P!ATD's "This is Halloween"...

...then "Day after day, all the prince ever does is practice, practice, practice!"

......and then "I got CHILLS! They're multiplyin'! And I'm losing control cuz the power you're supplyin'...it's ELECTRIFYIN'!!!!!!"

yup...just random songs...


though I guess they're all from movies...so maybe not so random...hmm...oh well...


I'm glad I have a soundtrack playing in my head...it's comforting...and the songs usually have something to do with what's going on in my life...though I'm not sure what the three I've mentioned do...hmm...*shrugs*

....................................................*sigh*...........................................................


I know I'm not a very patient person but...SNAIL MAIL SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!! I know I just mailed that letter yesterday...and it's only Monday....but UGH!!!!!! I want an answer and I want it now!!!! *grimaces*

This letter is going to change my life...and my mom's life...and my siblings' lives...and his life...


Him...Joshua...

*sigh*

I haven't even met him but I already love him...

He is my brother after all...half-brother, really...but who cares?

Ach...I've been dying to meet him or even just contact him for almost 8 years...and finally...


FINALLY!!!!
Finally, I can...

Now I just have to wait for him to get the letter...and reply?


*sigh*

What if he doesn't reply?

What if he hates me?

What if? What if?


What and if are two of the world's most innocent words...until they're put next to each other...and then they have the power to ruin everything...


*sigh*

I hope he at least replies...just to know that he IS actually there...and knows who I am...that's really all I can ask for...ach...

Time is just disappearing...flying away from me...

Wow...

Didn't realize it had been so long since I wrote on here...

There's been so much going on!

I started my job last week and work Monday-Friday so that's eating up some of my extra time. And then I have powderpuff on Wednesday nights. Last week, our team was trampled. But tonight we actually got a touchdown! And almost had two more. So yeah...

Tonight I got an email from two doctors that work in Cook Center (the nursing school here). They asked if I was interested in being their Harvester Worker and when i could come in to talk to them. It's not my ideal placement but I'll take anything. If I get that job, then my total hours a week will come to 15.5 which is enough to make my payments every month, provided I don't use any of it for anything else... *sigh* .....wait....I just did the math...right now, I'm due to get $524 a month...I need $369 each month for my payment...HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and if I get the Harvester job...then that should be anywhere from an extra $90-$200 a month....WHOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, Abba....
thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!!!!!!!!


I never doubted You for a second...sure, I was getting a little anxious...wondering when things would start falling into place...You sure like to keep me waiting *grins*but it's always worth it in the end...


.........*happy sigh*.......


that just took a HUGE weight off my shoulders...


This past week and a half has been so stressful...have had a pile of homework, a very sick roommate, a seriously screwed up phone, and the added stress of a new job. Plus our first choir concert is this coming Sunday so I've been pushing myself to memorize those songs...I own those songs!!!! *sigh* oh well...it will all be over soon...my pile of homework is going down, i should be getting my new phone in the next couple of days, my roommate is starting to get better, I'm getting used to my job, and after sunday, the concert will be over *sigh of relief* I feel like Tiana, from Princess and the Frog..."Oh, I'm alllllmoooooost there!!!!!!!!"


So close...


But I know You will be right beside me every step of the way, Abba...You haven't left me yet...I don't even want to think about where I would be without You here with me...


.......it would NOT be pretty....


*sigh*...


Ach...so tired...and I have my first science exam tomorrow...I do not feel prepared at all. The prof told us last week that, based on the scores from the last quiz, NONE of us are going to pass the exam. Yeah...way to instill confidence in us, Prof.....Jerk.

I really need to end this post and go study so I can at least get a C...I have to pass this class and keep my GPA up or I'll lose most of my scholarship money...and my grade has already dropped to a C just from my quiz scores...this exam is going to have a huge impact...ugh...I REALLY wish i didn't have to take this stupid class...bleck...


Goodnight...I'll try to start back up on my posting every day...or at least more often...


Goodnight, world...

Such a helpless feeling...

My sister broke her wrist last week. The doctors gave her a temporary wrist wrap to support it until she could get in to have a plaster cast put on it.

Yesterday she went in to get the plaster cast put on. The doctors had to put her under to do it. All I can picture is my little sister (she's not quite ten) being drugged so they can reset her wrist. She was probably so scared. She's not even 10! I wish I could've been there for her. I wish I could've sat next to her and held her hand and told her everything was going to be fine. Oh, my brave little girl. I wish I could be there when she wakes up and hold her. Good grief, I miss her. I miss them all.

Hello, homesickness. Long time, no see.

I have to go home this weekend. I just have to. I'm going to do whatever it takes. I'll find the money, even if I have to ask a million people for a $1 loan. I'll drive as far as I can and walk the rest of the way. It's been almost a month since I've seen my family. And I probably won't see them again until fall break at the earliest.

My mind has been sorta blank all day...but seeing you sent this song running through my head

"Tangled Up In You"
         By Staind

 You're my world
The shelter from the rain
You're the pills
That take away my pain
You're the light
That helps me find my way
You're the words
When I have nothing to say

And in this world
Where nothing else is true
Here I am
Still tangled up in you
I'm still tangled up in you
Still tangled up in you

You're the fire
That warms me when i'm cold
You're the hand
I have to hold as I grow old
You're the shore
When I am lost at sea
You're the only thing
That I like about me

And in this world
Where nothing else is true
Here I am
Still tangled up in you
I'm still tangled up in you

How long has it been
Since this storyline began
And I hope it never ends
And goes like this forever

In this world
Where nothing else is true
Here I am
Still tangled up in you
Tangled up in you
I'm still tangled up in you
Still tangled up in you

Mein Engel (aka The Runaways)

Mein Engel

Stephan:

             The night was very cold. December nights were always cold but this one seemed especially frigid. Thick clouds hung in the black sky, shutting out the moonlight. The darkness was so deep that even the shadows had shadows. A fierce wind had torn through the trees earlier but once night had settled, it ceased. Everything was quiet. The whole world seemed to be holding its breath…as if it knew what was to happen tonight.

            I knew.

            It was my fault, my doing.

            And I was going to fix it.

            I hurried to the great oak tree in the center of the grove, dashing from shadow to shadow, hiding in the deepness that filled the forest. All the home trees surrounding the great oak were quiet, filled with the sleeping bodies of my people. They didn’t matter to me anymore. Only she did…and the little one. They were why I ran in the darkness.

            The world was still silent when I reached the base of the great oak. High up in the branches sat three nests situated close together, each a separate room of a greater house. The giant globes were woven from green branches and tall meadow grass. The largest was suspended between the two thickest branches and was big enough to hold at least a platoon of soldiers. The other two nests were smaller in size and set on either side of the main nest.  Rolling my shoulders, I glanced at the smallest nest above me. It was placed in the crook of a branch about 5 spears high. No, the sound of my wings would draw attention. I would have to climb.

            As quiet as the mist covering the moor, I scaled the tree, coming to rest under the branch that supported her home. Inside I could hear voices; one was hers, etched with anxiety. The other was that of her closest friend, Alese. Good, Alese was there. She would help her…I hope.

            I whistled three short notes that told her I was there. Her answering whistle sounded and I swung myself up through the opening into the nest. There she stood, green eyes blazing as if preparing for a fight. Her prized bow and a full quiver of arrows were strapped to her back and her throwing daggers were in their holsters at her sides. With her long, dark red hair tied back at the base of her neck with a piece of leather, she looked every bit the fierce fighter I knew her to be.

            “Stephan, quit staring at me like a love struck peacock! There is no time to waste!” she snapped at me, hands on her hips. I could help but to grin at the sight, which only made things worse. “Stephan! Please tell me you’re going to take this seriously!”

            I snapped back to the situation, surprised I’d been able to push it from my mind for even a second. “Of course I’m taking this seriously, Tasha,” I said to her, “You just create quite a picture sometimes.”

            “Hmph, well, quit worrying about my picture. If we don’t hurry, there won’t be a picture left…of any of us,”

            The truth of her words hit me hard. This was it. If we don’t pull this off, our lives are over. She’ll be killed for committing treason, the worst crime in griffin society. And I’ll be killed for kidnapping the princess even though Tasha is the one who has planned our whole escape. She wants to go. Anyone in his or her right mind would see that, would understand why. Who wouldn’t if your father was König of all Griffins, a man with great power and a knack for always getting what he wants. A man who wants his only daughter to find a suitable mate so that when (if) he dies, she can ascend to his throne and lead the griffin people to victory over the other Ancient races in the battle for unbelievable power. Yeah, no pressure or anything. One can only imagine what he would say if he knew his daughter had fallen for me, a man with no parentage, considered “unfit” for warrior status, a man who had actually undergone training of the highest kind behind his back to become a great warrior. Imagine if he knew his daughter had secretly married this “unfit” man and had given birth to his child, a beautiful little girl, the future heir to the crown. And all this took place while the König was away at a conference with the leaders of the other three Ancient races. Yeah, he wasn’t going to be happy when he returned.
            “Prinzessin, if you are sure you want to live with this man and keep this child then you must hurry!” the sound of Alese’s voice brought me out of my thinking. “A messenger arrived this morning, bringing news of your father’s rapid return. If there is to be any chance of you surviving this escape, then you must leave now!” Alese whispered fervently. No argument there. Tasha glanced at me then shared a long look with her best friend, her right hand. She nodded.

            “We must hurry. The night will not last forever.” Tasha picked up her rucksack and threw it to me before turning to the bundle of fur on the bed. Stretching out a long finger, she stroked the soft cheek of our little girl, sleeping in the cocoon. “Sleep well, my angel. Soon we shall be free. Then you’ll be able to spread your wings and fly without fear.” Her eyes glistened as her voice broke on the last word. Fear was not something a griffin warrior, especially a warrior princess should feel. Squeezing her eyes shut, she breathed in and I saw her lips move as if she were praying. Then her bright green eyes found my brown and her entire stance changed. Scooping up the bundle of fur, she tied it to her so that it seemed like she was cradling our baby girl.

            Turning to Alese, she said, “You have been my best friend, my closest companion. I will miss you terribly and I pray that our ancestors will keep you safe from my father’s wrath.” She placed her fist over her heart and bowed, the customary way of acknowledging an honored warrior. “It has been my greatest honor to fly with you, Alese of Tahn,” she said, her voice thick with emotion.

            “As it has been my greatest honor to fly with you, Natasha, Prinzessin der Greife. May fair winds always find you,” Alese replied, using Tasha’s full title.

            A sad smile filled with a thousand memories spread across Tasha’s lips as her gaze locked with Alese’s. Hope hid at the corner of her eyes as Tasha wondered if she would ever see her best friend again but then reality set in and chased that hope away. By marrying me and having my child, Tasha had exiled herself from our people. She would not see Alese ever again…unless she repented of her transgressions, which she would never do.  Turning to me, she hid her pain under a smooth mask of calm.

            “Let’s go,” she said. I nodded then swung myself out of the nest, her pack and mine slung across my back. I dropped to the earth, landing on my feet. Tasha jumped down beside me. Holding a finger to her lips, she motioned towards the west. She turned and ran, so fast the shadows could not catch up to her. I followed, glancing in every direction, watching for any sign of movement. We ran in silence, not letting words distract us. Suddenly, Tasha froze.

            “What is it?” I asked.

            “My father,” she whispered, the terror evident in her voice, “He’s almost here.”

            Fear, that terrible monster, took hold of my heart with its icy claws. I didn’t even stop to think how she knew. “We must hurry then. If he catches us, it will be the end of all our lives.” I choked out. We had to survive. I could not let my Tasha or my daughter die because of me. “Come on!” I cried, grabbing her hand and pulling her after me.

            And we ran.

            We ran as fast as we could. I’m not sure for how far or how long. I only know we ran. The freezing cold didn’t bother us anymore. We were too terrified. The trees almost seemed to leap out of our way as we sprinted by. Nothing was going to get in our way. Nothing except for the man we were running from.

            After some time, the part of my brain not concentrating on moving my legs as fast as they could go noticed that the trees were thinning out. I was not sure how long it had been since we’d left the village for time had passed like seconds yet hours to me. Ahead I could see pale pinks showing through the dark browns and greens of the forest foliage. I realized we must be getting closer to the edge of the forest. Soon we’d be able to take to the skies. I glanced at Tasha and saw relief floating across her face as she realized we were almost free. Faster still we ran; how that was possible I have no idea. The trees fell away, ending in a huge span of waving golden grass that met the horizon. The sky, colored in shades of pink and lavender, stretched out over our heads. Over the edge of the earth, the yellow sun began its climb into the atmosphere.

We didn’t even bother slowing down; with a shake of our shoulders, our wings were extended and we soared into the air. The air stream whistling across the meadow caught us and tossed us higher into the clouds. Feathers rustled as we pushed our wings up and down with all our might, trying to gain as much power and speed as possible. We raced higher and higher until we broke through the cloud field. Only then did we slow down; even then, it was marginally. Still grasping Tasha’s hand, I angled us in a westerly direction. Only then did I glance at her. She returned my gaze. At first, I thought I saw regret in her eyes and I could feel my heart start to tear apart but then she smiled. Her grin was so full of peace and relief that I found myself smiling back at her.

“We’re free,” she whispered in awe, as if she couldn’t believe it was true.

I nodded. The realization finally hit me.

“Yes, we are,” I answered.

            Her smile only grew larger and she squeezed my hand tightly. I squeezed her hand in return then faced the now bright blue horizon ahead, wondering where the wind would take us yet not really caring because this was it.
            We were free.

Alese:

             I watched out the nest opening as my best friend and the warrior she loved ran for their lives. Galfridus might be the all-knowing König of all griffins but he had no idea his greatest betrayal would be committed by his own daughter. She would make a glorious Königin one day, if she survives. Even though she’s his only heir, Galfridus would not hesitate to end her life for such duplicity. Ruler first, father later. Much later.

            Gods, I hope they make it.

            I stared out into the darkness, debating the possibilities of Tasha and Stephan surviving. A pessimistic habit, I know, but when one is the captain of strategy for the König, that just can’t be helped. From what I could assess of the situation, their chances were slim but if nothing slowed them down…well then, they could be free. I sighed, a wish to follow them sneaking into my heart. But I couldn’t…

            A snap of a twig brought me out of my musings. A man I knew well appeared out of the shadows of the towering trees. His shoulder length jet black hair was pulled back into his usual ponytail. His eyes were focused on the base of the great oak but I could picture perfectly the piercing eyes the color of winter ice. He walked towards the base of the great oak and I shrunk back into Tasha’s nest, praying he didn’t see.

            “Ah, Kagan,” said a voice, the very voice I’d dreaded to hear, “I pray you brought me the traitors?”

            “I’m afraid, mein Lüttich, that they had too much of a head start. I was not able to catch them before they disappeared. All I found was this at the edge of the forest,” Kagan, Galfridus’ right hand man, replied, speaking in a low voice full of wary reverence. I peeked over the opening’s edge to see what he held in his hand. A feather

            One of Tasha’s feathers.

            Oh, no.

            Galfridus growled, “Well, they can’t fly forever. We’ll find them.”
            “Yes, mein Lüttich,” Kagan murmured as he bowed.            

            Oh, gods. Oh, no.

            “Oh, and Alese?”
            Gulp.

            “I hope you don’t know anything about Natasha’s treachery. Or you’ll die right alongside her and that filth she’s run away with,” Galfridus called up to me, his gravelly voice sending chills down my spine.

            Ah, hell.

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Author's Note: This is my short story that has been published in the actual TeenInk magazine and has now been voted #1 in the Most Recently Submitted category on TeenInk.com four times. It's actually the prologue to a more in depth story...that I have yet to have written....yeah...working on that. Anyways...the foreign words used in this story are actual German terms because I envisioned this story to be taking place in a forest much like Germany's Black Forest. So here are the translations for you non-German speakers (shame on you!)

Mein Engel - my angel
König - King
Prinzessin - Princess
Prinzessin der Greife - Princess of the Griffins
Königin - Queen
mein Lüttich - my liege

So, there you go! Yes, I am going to start working on the rest of the story and if I'm blessed enough, maybe someday this will be in print *grins* we'll see...anyways...hope you enjoyed!

The What Ifs

The human mind is almost incapable of believing what they see. Instead, a normal human being chooses to believe what they know…or at least think they know. Yet sometimes the human mind is presented with such solid proof that something unbelievable, unrealistic even, is actually completely and utterly true.  Like that story about the two girls. They both went to the restroom in a public place. One finished before the other and went outside to wait right by the door. The other girl finished and walked out of the stall to find a strange woman standing right in front of her with a dazed look upon her face. She abruptly turned around and walked out of the room. The girl outside swore no one had entered or exited the restroom since she took up her post. There were no windows and no one else was using the facilities at the time. The strange woman had literally appeared out of nowhere and then disappeared into thin air. People say that’s impossible; it could never happen.

                But what if it did? What if all that we believed to be imaginary, all that we’ve denied over time was actually real? What if that was the real world and the life that we’re living is the lie, the story?

                Guess what, my friends. The “what ifs” win.

You see…I was the girl. The girl who walked out of the bathroom stall to see a strange woman staring. She looked rather odd. Her hair was a grubby brown, twisted back into a mess of a braid. Eyes the color of a stormy sky searched my face, as if looking for some sort of proof or clue. A sharp scar cut from the certain of her hairline through the middle of her left eyebrow and stopped just before her ear. It was healed but not too old…the skin was still fairly puckered. She wore a tattered sundress over a pair of holey sweatpants. Filthy tennis shoes adorned her feet. She stood hunched over, as if the weight bearing down upon her shoulders was too much for her to handle. I was in shock. Here was this woman I’d never seen before in my life simply staring at me as if I was the one who wasn’t real. Yet I felt drawn to this woman…as if she were important, maybe not what she seemed. But before I could open my mouth and ask her any sort of question, she nodded slightly then turned and walked away. I merely blinked and she was gone. I thought maybe I’d imagined her. Reading so many fantasy and mystery novels can really make one’s imagination run wild. After probing my friend Maehen about the strange woman and hearing her tell me over and over that no one had entered or exited that restroom the entire time she had stood outside the door, I tried to convince myself that I had imagined the woman. But something in my heart wouldn’t let me forget her. A tiny voice in the back of my mind whispered that I’d understand someday.

I just didn’t realize that day was today.

Author's Note: This is my most recently accepted short story to TeenInk. It's actually an old story of mine that I updated. Turned out better than I thought! *smiles*